26/06/20
sent by Angela.
I came across this while doing some research. It has no Authors name so i don't know who wrote it but it is so very true. It would be interesting to find out who wrote it to give them the well deserved credit they are due.
Different perspectives:Do narcissists know they’ve lost “THE ONE?”Yes. The more cerebral ones, I believe they know. They are not soulless as many purport, they know right from wrong. They just think very differently , they have no morals or regards for anyone except themselves , their wants and needs and how to get it. I respectfully dissent to the former answer. They may need a new, fresh supply, but I believe they know precisely what they have done. Out of the limelight, they know. Undercover and alone they know what they have done. They would just have a very hard time explaining the goof and that is their reason for keeping up the fortress. They are just too embarrassed to admit that they made the biggest mistake of their life. Especially after they already launched the flying monkeys and have gone into the full, I AM THE REAL ABUSED VICTIM ACT. It becomes more about presentation than reality. The reality is they do realize, but are just too arrogant to admit to their own faults and missteps. To them the end justifices the means. Do narcissists know that they have lost “THE ONE?”BWAHAHAHA! That is the reaction most people who have survived a relationship with a narcissist will have to that question.Why? Because, sweetheart, every single person who gets involved with those lovers from hell, seriously believe that they are “the one.” That's what narcissists do that is so destructive to our psyches.These are things they tell you to make you believe they actually think you are what they have been searching for their entire life:1. YOU AND YOU alone are what they need to complete them.2. YOU understand them and no one else ever has.3. YOU make them want to be a better man/woman.4. Until YOU, they had never made love, only had meaningless sex.5. YOU are their soulmate.6. YOU are the first person they have ever trusted.7. They love YOUR innate intelligence because it makes you capable of having a real conversation instead of mindless babble.8. YOU must have been lovers in a past life because the connection between you is so strong.9. As long as they have YOU, their life has real meaning.10. YOU are the cure for their insomnia.11. YOU have all the traits they want in a life mate.12. If YOU ever leave, they will never be able to love again.13. Every relationship they had dims when compared to what they have with YOU.14. YOU are strong, beautiful, sexy, intelligent, kind, generous, unselfish and moral. No one in their lives has ever been so perfect.15. They have never experienced real love before YOU. Being with you has made them realize that.16. They want to spend the rest of their life trying to make YOU as happy as you make them.17. They can't understand how it's possible that someone as wonderful as YOU could actually love them.18. They believe YOU are their twin flame and unless you are with them, they will never be whole.19. YOU are the only person who can save them from themselves20. THEY LOVE YOU. TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH. WITH EVERY FIBER OF THEIR BEING. MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. MORE THAN WEALTH OR FAME. THEY LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU. THEY REALLY LOVE YOU.Bulls**t. Bulls**t. Bulls**t. The things they tell you are well used and field tested to prove they will work on even the most savvy and intelligent people alive.Narcissists are clever. They know that if they bombard you with the sweetest, most endearing things anyone has ever said to you, YOU are likely to fall under their spell.Lol, one of my favorite bulls**t lines from my ex was when he was talking about how much he loved his favorite ice cream which was “cookies and cream.” He looked up from his dish of it, reached across the table to take my hand and kissed it. Then, still holding my hand, he said:“Until you, I've never had a “cookies and cream” relationship.“Yeeech. Remembering those cloying, disgusting, over the top, tools of manipulation that regularly came out of that man's mouth, now trigger a gag reflex.How can any thinking, sensible human being actually believe the garbage a narcissist spews? It's incredible but it works on us. We believe.We are the “ONE.”But so is every other person the narcissist has been in a relationship with before you. So will be every person who comes after you.YOU are not the ONE. You are simply one more notch on their bedpost. One more mark who was taken in by a con artist. One more trusting person who was looking for an angel and ended up in bed with the devil.You are just ONE more in a long line of people who believed they were actually special to a narcissist. You weren't.
08/06/20
Alex sent the following and asked for it to be put on here because he is a bit cheesed off about what someone said to him. so here it it. thanks mate, couldnt agree more.
Conversation i had a few days ago with a female work mate set me thinking. She doesn't know either of them but has read the site.
She said, you have to feel sorry for them because you can't help who you're attracted to or fall in love with and the things on the site have probably destroyed any chance they had of a long term relationship.
I asked her if she had read and understood everything they did.
She said , yes. But still felt sorry for them and they probably could have done things differently but you can't totally blame them.
I told her to go read it again because there was no excuse for what they did and the damage it caused.
So I decided to put it in context and post it on here for her and anyone else who thinks they did nothing wrong to read and think about it.
It's too long for on here so i sent it to Jess to put on the New Page. so go there and read it .
It is an ugly story of abuse, manipulation, lies and cheating. The next person who tells me they feel sorry for them will get a mouthful from me .
Dianne met him online when she was on skype talking to her daughter who was overseas working and a long time friend who was also overseas. They talked and he told her how unhappy he was because his wife was physically abusive and took all his money off him, how he was living in one room in Qatar while looking for work there , how he had met a woman and had fallen in love with her but didnt know she was married and she would not leave her husband that it was just an affair with him, how he had tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists, even sent her photos of his bleeding wrists. She felt sorry for him and offered to help if she could by having him send his resume to her friend who was in Afghanistan working.
Christmas came and he told her he didn't want to go back to his wife so would spend it alone. As Dianne had a lot of fly by points she offered to use them and invited him to spend christmas in Australia with her family, after a lot of tooing and frowing about him not wanting to take advantage of her he agreed. So he flew to Australia and spent two weeks with her and the family. They became friends and he decided he didn't want to go back to Qatar but go home and settle his affairs with his wife and that he would stay with his mother. So Dianne changed his return ticket to the Uk. They remained friends and talked daily. He complained how his wife was making it really hard on him etc etc etc , how stressed he was etc etc etc . so eventually it was agreed he should come back to Australia on a 3 month visa and sort himself out and look for work. After a few weeks he told her he had developed a strong feeling for her more than friendship, so they took their friendship up a notch. When the 3 months were up and he had to leave they decided that he should apply for a de facto spousal visa citing the emotional bond he had formed with not just her but her 2 grandsons she cared for with accompanying letter from the school they attended and the dept of child services they were both with stating that the boys would suffer if he had to leave. Dianne paid all the costs, in the meantime his wife in the UK had filed for divorce stating desertion as the reason, he flew back to the Uk again paid for by Dianne to finalise the divorce etc, he did not work for the 3 months nor did he have any resources, he was fully supported by Dianne.
He came back to Australia and asked her to marry him when the divorce was final after which he applied for a permanent spousal visa. He was granted a temporary visa for 12 months , he had several paid jobs in that time, did a course at TAFE and changed his mechanical degree to Australian standards. Dianne paid for all his tools , equipment, bike and education fees etc. he talked her into giving up her house and moving to Russell Island so that they could spend more time together on their own, talked her into giving custody of the oldest grandson back to child safety as he felt he need more professional help then they could give him. Started staying on the mainland overnight and weekends as he had to work, she could not work because the logistics of ferry travel did not fit in with her work hours.
Then six months after his temporary visa was made permanent he pulled the, “ im confused and don't know what i want and need time alone to sort myself out''. he told her he was going to stay on the mainland with a friend but would come home on weekends and he left. He did not mention Liz Mazza or that they had been having an affair for over a year.
Dianns sisters husband hd recently passed away so he convinced her to go up north and stay with her for a few weeks , he rang her daily and arranged to come up but never arrived, during her absence he stripped the house and to this day she does not know what he did with everything in it including her personal items and many momentos, photos and antiques items she had. She was left with only what she took with her. She continued to support him both emotionally and financially.
She came back to Brisbane and moved into a unit he had rented in his name for her with the intention of eventually moving in. He spent weekends there as he was still sorting himself out. Still no mention of Liz Mazza.
Now for the rest.
By this time Dianne was an emotional and financial wreck.
He had that financial agreement drawn up knowing it was worthless.
He orchestrated the joint suicide that he never intended to go through with.
He took out a DVO on her but didn't tell her, to stop her finding out where he was and the truth about who he was with, a friend of Liz Mazza informed her of it .
Dianne had to file for bankruptcy with all the debts he left her with.
He filed for divorce when she was in hospital after the suicide attempt and lied in it stating he had no contact with her or knew her where abouts. Again he never told her and the friend of Liz Mazza told her about it. By this time she knew about Liz Mazza , who phoned her and told her to leave him alone that he was with her now. Dianne realised just how much she had been manipulated and lied to, how she had been used by him to get what he wanted and that he never cared for her in any way ever.
The divorce eventually went through and Dianne paid all the costs plus cleared her bankruptcy with the pittance he gave her from his superannuation.
This is just a quick gloss over there is more if you read the site and more not on the site because it was hacked twice and things deleted. So go to the source and ask.
So now ask yourself why the hell anyone should feel sorry for them??? They fell in love, yeah, right, pull the other one. Neither of them know what the word means. He set this up from day 1 and Liz Mazza helped him pull it off. I know who you should feel sorry for and give sympathy to, and its neither of them.
Sent by Ellie. 20/03/20 narcissisticbehaviour.net
The Typical Narcissistic Woman As A Friend: -
To the typical narcissistic woman, you are no more than an object of “secondary narcissistic supply” be it with a female or male “ friend” that provides her with whatever she wants or needs within the relationship. Typically, she mistakenly interprets her own narcissistic needs as “emotions”. These emotional needs that the narcissistic woman displays can easily be mistaken by another as vulnerability and openness on her part, and she milks this misunderstanding by constantly acting the victim. In dealing with such a relationship, you may well be forgiven for thinking that you are having a friendship with her. In her manipulation she may even fool you that she cares about you, but in reality you don’t count one bit, because she is at the center of her own make belief world where she is Queen. Her world starts and stops with herself, but she goes out of her way to disguise that fact from everyone she comes into relationship with (her husband, boyfriend, children, parents, siblings, friends and work colleagues).
I mention friends, but in reality she does not understand what it means to be a friend, not in the normal sense of the word. What she surrounds herself with are acquaintances that she refers to as friends, and they come and go in her life with great regularity. The individual may think that they are friends for a while, but soon they become aware that they are in a one sided relationship devoted only to the narcissists needs. When the friend looks for a reciprocal relationship, the narcissist female becomes bored very quickly, and the relationship comes to an abrupt and inexplicable end. The narcissistic female becomes cold, uninterested and remote, and the friendship is all but over to the bewilderment of the friend. What the friend generally fails to work out is that they have been experiencing a utilitarian relationship (an absence of mutual involvement between friends) . Each loss the narcissistic female experiences is another narcissistic wound to her, and in order to cope, she explains her deficit away by rationalizing that friends always disappoint her.
When the relationship goes wrong, the narcissists typical and much used excuse is to say that her friend was “jealous and envious of her”; therefore she had to end the relationship. The truth of the matter is that without her investment in the other person, the relationship begins to fold, and this folding is experienced by her fragile ego as rejection which fills her with dread. So at the slightest whiff of rejection (real or imagined), the narcissists gives the so called “friendship’ the chop, in this way she is spared the intolerable feelings of abandonment that she cannot tolerate in any relationship. You need to understand that it is nothing that you have done; her acts are because she responds to some events with extreme fear of abandonment – events that would have little meaning to a healthy person. However, all of this leads to a lot of confusion for those unlucky enough to be in a committed relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Once she has decided that the friendship is coming to its end, she now goes on to hunt for another source of narcissistic supply to fill the gap of the so called friend, and so the cycle continues.
When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than a narcissistic woman. Her envy is actually a rage reaction whenever she is unable to control or possess something another person has. She bares intense resentment for anybody who she thinks has any form of advantage over her (it may be their educational abilities, their social status, their physical looks, their creativity, their success, their wealth, their popularity, their partner or husband ….or anything in fact). Whatever the narcissist woman perceives another of having (that they do not possess), they are driven by an insatiable need to covet and to take it. In order to protect themselves from shameful feelings, they convince themselves that they do not have to depend on anyone but themselves. In order to feel safe, the narcissistic personality strives for superiority, and the drive for perfectionism, grandiosity, and self-entitlement begins. Unfortunately, the narcissist’s superiority is juxtaposed to an “inferiority complex” that harbors unconscious feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy. So in order to maintain her superior position, she devalues other people who she imagines may have more prestige than herself. But before she does this, she will go out of her way to become like that person, to learn what she can from them, to model them so that she feels more powerful than them, and finally she discards that person by projecting “envy” on to them. It is through these methods of projection or projective identification, that the narcissist gets rid of her own painful envious emotions so that she can maintain her feeling of superiority. There are no rules as to how she achieves this, she will do this any way she can, for example by ruining the other person’s reputation, destroying their career or breaking the person psychologically and financially or simply taking their husband to show that she is more desirable than them etc, always playing the victim and laying the blame squarely on the target. Boyfriends, partners , husbands come and go as she continuelly looks for what she percieves a better replacement, if its an intimate relationship then Children are used to hold the target for as long as she finds them useful and as a continued supply of financial support when she moves on to the next target, she is known to have children by multiple men , very rarely do all her children belong to any one man.. She then coolly moves on to the next cycle of hot pursuit, engorgement, and elimination which is endless playing the victim to all she meets.
19/12/19
12 Of The Most Common Lies Sociopaths And Narcissists Tell, Translated Into TruthBy Shahida Arabi, Bestselling Author
Last updated: 8 Sep 2018
~ 6 MIN READIt’s common knowledge that manipulative personalities tend to engage in a great deal of pathological lying and deceit. In fact, compulsive lying is associated with narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders – likely connected to the lack of empathy and propensity for exploitative behavior inherent in these disorders (Ford, King & Hollender, 1988; Baskin-Sommers, Krusemark, & Ronningstam, 2014).
How do they get away with their lies? Covert wolves in sheep’s clothing build a very convincing, charismatic false mask for society and often have a great deal of “social proof” in the form of enabling supporters who believe in their facade. They lead double lives and engage in con artistry under the radar, often going unnoticed for years.
Yet there are common lies narcissists and sociopaths tell their victims that, if translated to the truth, would expose the reality behind their actions.
Some of these phrases can be uttered by those who are not narcissists. However, when expressed by a predatory personality in the context of manipulation, the following statements carry a far different and darker meaning.
Here are twelve of the most common lies narcissists and sociopaths tell us, translated into what they actually mean:
1. I would never lie to you. I am lying as I say this. You do know that an authentic truth-teller wouldn’t have to convince you, right? The reason I constantly have to tell you I would never lie to you is because I know you will eventually find the discrepancies between what I say and what I do. When you’re struggling to understand why I am acting with such cruelty, you’ll remember how I stressed to you that I am an honest person, a person of integrity and character – a person who would never do such things. You’ll be confused because my actions speak so differently than my words. Slowly but surely, I am brainwashing you into believing that I would never lie. That will create a conflict in you – enough reasonable doubt for whenever my lies come to the surface. You’ll want to believe in the person I pretended to be, rather than who I really am.
2. He or she was obsessed with me. My past victims discovered my infidelity, my falsehoods and even gained a momentary glance behind the mask. They called me out, even tried to expose me. They tried to hold me accountable for my actions. Don’t be surprised if they reach out to warn you – but by the time they do, you’ll be convinced they’re crazy and obsessed with me. They’re just jealous of what we have – or at least that’s what I’ll tell you. They’re just stalking me because they want me back so desperately – couldn’t have anything to do with the pain I’ve inflicted upon them, right?
3. I was hanging out with friends. I am busy grooming my primary source of narcissistic supply, an old flame or a new victim. I’ve got lots of “friends” in my harem who worship me and who need my time. Rest assured, there’s always plenty of ego strokes to go around for me. Any time I disappear, you can bet I am love-bombing someone and getting the attention I am entitled to. I am just that special. Don’t worry, you can be my “friend” too!
4. I am just so busy right now.You’re my transitional target, not my primary one – something to keep me satisfied in between my two or more significant others. I am so busy sleeping with my boyfriend and girlfriend over the weekend, taking out my various affair partners out on weeknights and flirting with anything that moves in my spare moments. I simply don’t have the time to invest in you while entertaining so many others. However, I’ll be happy to keep you waiting for my attention on the sidelines so I can tap into your resources whenever I’d like. And who knows? Perhaps if one or two of my victims ‘bow out’ you’ll get to occupy a new position on my weekly rotation. How fun would that be?
5. It’s crazy how much we have in common.It’s not crazy at all, it’s perfectly calculated. I’ve studied you and I am mirroring you, just like I have done with all of my other victims. I know your deepest wounds and desires, because upon first meeting you I poked and prodded to uncover your strengths, weaknesses, interests, passions and everything you’re missing from your life. Now I’ll “morph” into what you have always wanted in a partner – at least, for the time being until I get what I want. Then, I’ll take the mask off from time to time. Soon, you won’t be able to recognize the person you first fell in love with.
6. I miss you and love you. Just checking in. I want to know that I still have control over you and your life. This is a test and I’ll often “check in” with you after I disappear for days, subject you to a hideous violation or silent treatment, or make you jealous by showing off my newest victim. I am checking in to see that I am still significant – that you still ache and long for me. I am sure you remember me. How could you possibly forget?
7. Cheating is morally wrong. Cheating is wrong if you do it. I have very different standards for myself. I expect and demand complete loyalty and transparency from you. However, I am free to carry on numerous affairs, treat you like a side piece or lie to you about the fact that I am already “committed” to someone all while stringing you along for money, sex, companionship, praise – whatever else you have to offer me.
8. They mean nothing to me. You’re my one and only.God, all this rivalry over me? Please, keep going. How absolutely exciting. I get so bored when I am in a long-term, committed relationship. It’s wonderful to create these love triangles and have so many people compete over me. I thrive on the validation and attention of so many admirers. I will never really “choose” anyone – I just enjoy the game of always choosing myself and my own needs first.
9. My ex was so dishonest and toxic.I was of course the toxic and dishonest one, but you won’t figure that out until it’s too late. I betrayed my previous partners and they found out. Of course, by then, I had to discard them because they had seen behind the mask and they were no longer willing to invest in forgetting my crimes. And now, I have to do some damage control by convincing you that I am someone you should pity and take care of – someone who’s been hurt by others in the past. Feel sorry for me. Nurse me back to emotional health. Come closer. The truth is, I prefer to be the one inflicting pain.
10. I’ve moved around a lot – I love to travel. I love leaving the places where my victims have me figured out and starting over. With each new destination comes a whole new life and identity where I don’t have to ever deal with the consequences of my actions or the people who know my true self. Once I’ve exhausted my numerous victims in each city and state, it’s time to pack my bags and go on a new “vacation.” I leave a trail of victims wherever I go.
11. I used to be a player, but now I am a changed man or woman. Now I want a meaningful relationship and a life partner.Are you buying this bullshit? I hope so, because I’d like to sleep with you soon and making you think that we may one day be in a relationship is the first step to getting in your pants. I’ll fake some shame to go along with my reformed image. I am so deeply remorseful for all those I’ve hurt in the past and I’ve really learned my lesson – not! The truth is, I’ll never change.
12. I am truly sorry, I really am. This is not who I am. This is exactly who I am and my behavioral patterns should have tipped you off by now. Sure, I’ll apologize from time to time to get these discussions over with and to make you think I really want to change or that this was a momentary lapse. I hope you’re buying it, because if you let me back into your life again, you’re in for one hell of a ride.
Here’s The TruthIf you’re dealing with a manipulative narcissist or sociopath, the only way to detach is go No Contact or limit your contact if No Contact is not possible in your particular circumstances. You must reconnect to the reality of the abuse and “translate” their words into the lived reality of their cruelty, manipulation and contempt towards you. Only then can you break free from their mind games, gaslighting and falsehoods – and live freely in the truth.
References
Baskin-Sommers, A., Krusemark, E., & Ronningstam, E. (2014). Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: From clinical and empirical perspectives. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment,5(3), 323-333. doi:10.1037/per0000061
Ford, C., King, B., & Hollender, M. (1988). Lies and liars: Psychiatric aspects of prevarication. American Journal of Psychiatry, 145(5), 554-562. doi:10.1176/ajp.145.5.554
07/12/19
Kingsley WrightCAD Design and Field Service Engineer at Process and Packaging SystemsGold Coast Australia.
I have finally called a closure to 11 years of teaching in the world of engineering. I have gone back to industry as a full time designer and service engineer in the ever busy world of food processing equipment. Engineering is fascinating but everyone has to eat, so bringing the food to the customer with interesting machines that sort, grade, clean and pack the produce will be a long term, busy and interesting career move.
CAD Design and Field Service ENgineer
Process and Packaging Systems
Jul 2019 – Present6 months
Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia
- A duel role as the CAD designer of industrial conveyor and packaging equipment as well as a field service engineer installing, commissioning and modifying to suit the customer requirements.
- A perfect job for me. Using 3D SolidWorks software and a tool box in the same job.
- A duel role as the CAD designer of industrial conveyor and packaging equipment as well as a field service engineer installing, commissioning and modifying to suit the customer requirements.
A perfect job for me. Using 3D SolidWorks software and a tool box in the same job.
Owner/Principal Engineer
Engine Developments Australia
Dec 2017 – Present2 years 1 month
Loganholme, Queensland, Australia
Owner/Design Engineer
Engine Developments Australia
Feb 2013 – Present6 years 11 months
LoganHolme, Queensland 4130
SolidWorks 3D CAD training, modeling and consulting
Engine Developments Australia
Feb 2013 – Present6 years 11 months
Loganholme, 4130
Engineering Training Program Manager
Site
Sep 2018 – Aug 20191 year
Brisbane CBD- After Helping a small and fledgling RTO find direction who are now forging ahead with increased scope, student numbers and sales staff, I have now been given the most privileged task of steering a program for young students in the year 10-12 age group to get into the world of engineering design using 3D CAD modeling with exposure to 3D printing in order to understand the fundamentals of engineering, mechanics and design principles. I am honoured to have been trusted with such a crucial task that also allows me to get back to class and interact with the students to test out if the program changes are well received by those that are our future workforce.
RTO Manager
Quality Training Group
May 2018 – Aug 20184 months
Bald Hills, Queensland, Australia
Engineering trainer
Major Training Group (RTO 6139)
Apr 2014 – Feb 20183 years 11 months
Field Service Engineer
General Kinematics Vibrating Equipment
Jul 2005 – Sep 20083 years 3 months
UK and Mainland Europe and the Americas
TafeEagle Farm, Brisbane
Advanced Diploma Mechanical EngineeringMechanical Design
Chase Technical College
City & Guild of London InstituteIndustrial Robot TechnologyDistinction
1990 – 1991
Chase Technical College
City & Guilds London InstituteElectrical and Electronics Engineeringdistinction
1985 – 1987
Skillstech eagle farm
Advanced diploma Mech engMechanical Engineering Related to industrial designs
Activities and Societies: classic motorcycle racing
sent by Julie.
26/09/19
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse usually accompanied by financial abuse inflicted by a person with character traits consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) or other related personality disorders, such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Antisocial Personality Disorder (i.e., sociopaths or psychopaths). If your spouse, partner, friend, work colleague, parent, any relative, or anyone you know exhibits these signs and keep in mind that when they first meet you they keep them at a low level until they have you hooked so your likely to tell yourself that they are a good person and have a few quirks or are determined or passionate, then you have come across a narcissist/ sociopath and if you dismiss the red flags then eventually you will suffer .
1. If they lack empathy and are extremely selfish.
If they seem to habitually disregard your needs and feelings there is a good chance they just don’t care about you, because their only true goal in life is finding out what others can do for them.
Low empathy goes hand-in-hand with the ability to use others for personal gain. If behaving in a kind and generous way toward you results in some kind of benefit for them, they will do it.
2. If they are arrogant and egotistical.
If they have the expectation that they are viewed and treated as superior — with or without accomplishments to back it up — it’s pretty likely there’s something not right there. They might exaggerate their achievements or even make their hero stories up altogether.
3. If they have an insatiable need for approval and reverence.
If you notice a pattern of them needing you to constantly stroke their ego and tell them they are genius, smoking hot, and are, of course, more talented than everyone else at everything, it is quite likely you have wondered, could you remember this ego boost for longer than twenty minutes before you need another compliment?
It is quite likely that they are also fixated on illusions of power, status, authority, intellect and other externally focused qualities because they need to feed their hollow need for significance.
4. If they assert power and dominance.
Narcissists have a fragile sense of self and because of these deep-rooted feelings of weakness, they overcompensate by being power/control freaks.
They often seek jobs and relationships in their life where they are in a position of power, where they can justifiably force others to do things their way, or have influence over situations, as a way to reinforce their continual need for proving their self-importance.
5. If they have an overinflated sense of entitlement.
Do they demand and expect they deserve immediate, unquestioning and automatic compliance? Do they feel slighted if they perceive life as difficult, as if they were owed something special? Do they feel entitled to respect, love and compassion but don’t feel responsible to extend the same courtesy to others?
If this is the case, it’s not just a bad attitude, it’s an attitude that has turned malignant
6.if they feel resentment and envy at the success of other people.
This follows along with their entitled outlook on life. They may see another person’s accomplishment as a threat to their superiority and feel competitive toward them. They are often petty, childish and jealous because they see other people as competition.
Due to this faulty mindset, they also believe others are jealous of them.
7. If they are vindictive, aggressive, and moody.
When individuals are resentful and entitled and have a corresponding immature emotional development, they tend to behave in predictable patterns of unpredictability. Like Jekyll and Hyde, their behavior fluctuates widely (and often quickly) between normal and outright reprehensible.
They’re often passive-aggressive, moody, whiny, see themselves as the victim, and busy themselves with plotting and exacting revenge on others, and enjoy lashing out. All of these traits lead back to your inner voice screaming in your head, what in the world is wrong with this person?
8. If they are defensive and hypersensitive.
Narcissists are unable to accept criticism and they tend to view any feedback as threatening and insulting.
If you notice they are overly upset when you offer the slightest suggestion contrary to what they have said, are overly annoyed if you give them feedback, or even fly into a rage if you outright disagree with them, you know you are dealing with someone who is undeniably toxic.
9.if they have a shifting personality.
This is the basis of a poorly formed sense of self and is usually displayed in behavior such as kindness followed by cruelty and shifting opinions.
If you’ve experienced the utter frustration of being with someone who presents themselves as having solid (even over-inflated) opinions that are presented as true convictions one minute, but then present a contradicting opinion hours or minutes later, you know this character deficit is truly extraordinary.
Their chosen persona is often based on the situation, in terms of the company they are in, what their goal is (admiration, stirring the pot, or sounding educated) and how they are going to benefit from the character they take on at that given moment.
If anyone you know possesses any of these nine traits, warning bells should be going off in your head.
You're in a toxic relationship and a victim of narcissistic abuse.”
11/07/19
12 Things Narcissists Say And What They REALLY MeanBy Shahida Arabi
Shahida is the author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse .
She is a staff writer at Thought Catalog. Follow Shahida on Instagram or read more articles from Shahida on Thought Catalog.
Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a malignant narcissist or otherwise manipulative, toxic person is well acquainted with how they use language differently.
The phrases that most people use in everyday conversations bear a far different meaning in the context of an abusive relationship with a narcissist. As Carrie Barron M.D. notes, “Current thought challenges the notion that narcissists secretly suffer from low self-esteem or insecurity. Or that they suffer as much as we thought in the ways that we thought. Recent findings indicate they take pleasure in successful manipulations. Putting down unsuspecting, soft-hearted souls in their midst is a sport. They truly believe in their superiority even if objective evidence does not back it up.”
When you’re dealing with an empathy-deficient individual with a high sense of entitlement and a sadistic need to bring others down, conversations become crazymaking minefields meant to psychologically terrorize and divert you. In fact, to decode a narcissist’s language requires listening more to their actions than their words.
When a narcissist’s words are translated into their actual meaning, the results are frankly disturbing. Here are twelve common phrases narcissists use and what they actually mean:
1. I love you. Translation: I love owning you. I love controlling you. I love using you. It feels so good to love-bomb you, to sweet-talk you, to pull you in and to discard you whenever I please. When I flatter you, I can have anything I want. You trust me. You open up so easily, even after you’ve already been mistreated. Once you’re hooked and invested, I’ll pull the rug beneath your feet just to watch you fall.
2. I am sorry you feel that way.Translation: Sorry, not sorry. Let’s get this argument over with already so I can continue my abusive behavior in peace. I am not sorry that I did what I did, I am sorry I got caught. I am sorry you’re calling me out. I am sorry that I am being held accountable. I am sorry you have the emotions that you do. To me, they’re not valid because I am entitled to have everything I want – regardless of how you feel about it.
3. You’re oversensitive/overreacting.Translation: You’re having a perfectly normal reaction to an immense amount of bullshit, but all I see is that you’re catching on. Let me gaslight you some more so you second-guess yourself. Emotionally invalidating you is the key to keeping you compliant. So long as you don’t trust yourself, you’ll work that much harder to rationalize, minimize and deny my abuse. While you’re working so hard to please me, I am reaping all the benefits without any consequences for my behavior.
4. You’re crazy.Translation: I am a master of creating chaos to provoke you. I love it when you react. That way, I can point the finger and say you’re the crazy one. After all, no one would listen to what you say about me if they thought you were just bitter or unstable. Forget the fact that I am the one who’s truly rageful and irrational, lashing out anything that threatens my sense of superiority.
5. My exes are crazy.Translation: I made my exes crazy. It was so fun! All I had to do was provoke, poke and prod until I got a reaction. Finally when I did, I used those reactions against them to show everyone how unhingedthey are. Soon, you’ll be the “crazy ex” too.
6. She/he is just a friend.Translation: I keep this person as a backup for whenever I get bored. They may replace you if you leave. In fact, they may already be acting as a valuable side piece. If you complain about my shady behavior with this person, I’ll make sure you seem like the controlling one.
7. You’re so jealous and insecure.Translation: God, this love triangle is fun. I love the way you compete for my attention. Makes me feel so desirable and powerful when I flirt with others in front of you. Gets you riled up. It’s especially entertaining to manufacture insecurities in you by pointing out flaws that don’t exist or to pick at the wounds that already do. The more diminished you feel, the less likely you’ll try to escape my grasp. The truth is, everything you suspect about my flirtations and affairs is grounded in reality. But let me remind you: I am entitled to everything. That includes the attention of other romantic prospects.
8. You have trust issues.Translation: I am an untrustworthy person, which I’ve shown time and time again by betraying you. Your gut is right, but it’ll be a cold day in hell if I ever admit it. The best thing you could probably do is trust yourself and run in the other direction – but of course, that would be far less fun for me.
9. It’s not all about you.Translation: It’s really all about me, me, me. If you ever turn the attention back to your own needs, I’ll make sure to project my own self-centeredness onto you. I’ll make you feel guilty and ashamed of having these needs in the first place, because I’ll never be able to fulfill them. I just don’t have the emotional equipment to do so – nor do I want to, because it takes the focus away from the person who’s really important. Me!
10. Why can’t we remain friends?Translation: I really don’t like losing members of my personal harem. I’d prefer to keep you on the back burner in case I need to use you in the future. Plus, collecting exes is a hobby of mine. It’s so convenient to be able to reach out to one whenever I am feeling especially bored. Who knew being friends could be such a great way to prevent losing valuable sources of supply so easily?
11. No one would believe you.Translation: I’ve isolated you to the point where you feel you have no support. I’ve smeared your name to others ahead of time so people already suspect the lies I’ve told about you. So yes, some people may not believe you – especially the ones who still think I am an amazing person. Especially the people who continue to enable me.
There are still others who might believe you, though, and I can’t risk being caught. Making you feel alienated and alone is the best way for me to protect my image. It’s the best way to convince you to remain silent and never speak the truth about who I really am.
12. You’ll never find someone else like me.Translation: If you never find someone else like me, that’s a good thing. There are empathic people out there who will treat you far better than I ever did. But I’d never want you to find them or discover your true worth. I’d prefer you to keep pining after me.
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16/06/19 Sent by Julie who stated that the website she found the following article on is recommended reading for anyone who is or has been subjected to narcissistic abuse or who thinks they may be dealing with a narcissist.
REACTIVE ABUSEWritten by Anne McCrea
Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon
January 6, 2019 Even good people have their limits. Narcissists overstep boundaries time and time again. They will push and push until you respond and then they’ll blame you for overreacting or for being abusive. The real abuser now has all the evidence they need. Unfortunately, their constant needling, provocative words or acts that have led to a reaction from you, are often not seen or heard by anyone else but your response is often witnessed by every Tom, Dick and Harry.
The aim of an abuser is often to make you look bad and themselves look good. They have achieved what they set out to do. You have been manipulated into reacting to their abuse. That’s what people witnessed, not their endless baiting and goading. When the narcissist tells everyone their tales of woe in their premeditated smear campaign, it is you who will look like the guilty party and not them. You’ve played into their hands and they now have everyone’s sympathy because they are the true victim of your abuse and instability not the reverse.
Regrettably, the real victim in these scenarios, often believes that they have acted badly and blames themselves for over-reacting. They are often told that they overreact, they’re too sensitive and in time, they start to believe it.
Sadly, once these seeds have been sown in the minds of by-standers, their mind-sets are very difficult, if not impossible to shift. They saw your behaviour with their own eyes and there’s very little you can do to swing their train of thought in your favour. People are very quick to judge without knowing the full facts.
The true casualty is regularly wracked with guilt at their own behaviour. However, the narcissistic personality, never admits their faults, will feel no remorse for pushing you over the edge.
If someone in your life a spouse, a friend, a family member or a coworker continuously pushes your buttons to hurt you and get some sort of reaction from you, reassess your reasons for keeping this person in your circle. Don’t waste your life trying to fix someone else. There are some people who just can’t be fixed. Who don’t want to be fixed. Who don’t think they need to be fixed. Don’t waste your life waiting for change that will never come. All you will accomplish is to wear yourself down emotionally and physically and all others will see is your decline, your reactions and not the reason for it. Remove toxic people from your life and never, ever feel guilty for doing so. If it is in the workplace and no other employee , supervisor or boss can see the truth the only choice you have is to remove yourself from their influence because you will never get a fair hearing and the stress you will be subjected to is not worth it, for your own sanity, walk away and get another job and let those who supported and aided the narcissistic bully discover the truth when they become the next victim.
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Sent by Mitch 10/06/19
https://www.higherperspectives.com/narcissist-empath-The Brutal Truth Behind The Toxic Relationship Between A Narcissist And An EmpathI'm an empath, and I think narcissists are special. It may seem kind of silly, but the narcissist, the one so focused on how great they are, is actually profoundly wounded.
Something in childhood got to them. It unraveled them. It damaged them. And so now they seek validation. But here I am. I'm an empath.
I'm a healer. I absorb what other people are feeling it and feel it as if it were my own. My own pain, my own anguish, my own hurt.
Narcissists rarely know an empath's boundaries. It makes us easy to bond with. We eat their pain like breakfast lunch and dinner.
What I always forget when I love a narcissist is that they're takers. They don't give much back. They look to you to fix them. They're never fixed though.
This leaves the empath now shattered and losing touch with their empathy. It's how narcissists are born. It's hard to escape from.
At the end of the day, the narcissist is going to be manipulative. They desire deeply to be in a position of control. All an empath really wants is love and to be loved. I want to heal people. I want to care for people.
But narcissists grow stronger from love like mine. Their damage is never healed, but they feel better about themselves. But a narcissist never makes a true connection to their authentic selves.
They will walk away from every relationship once they realize they can't control their partner anymore or they have obtained everything they had to give. It's no longer a fun game. It’s starting to be hard work.
It's just not possible for the two to bond. As an empath you will likely attract several different types of narcissists to your life.
Below we have compiled a list of the five most popular types of narcissists you will encounter:
1. The VictimA narcissist isn't always confident by nature. They can be quiet, reserved, and sensitive too. They may engage in self-hatred and act like they aren't worthy.
They are often motivated by their fears and don't truly have the capacity to fully be themselves or loved. Their narcissism is fueled by inferiority complexes.
2. The SuperheroOn the opposite end of the spectrum is the superhero. The one who thinks they're smart, sexy, perfect, and just kick ass all the way around.
They act like nothing can possibly hurt them and that your duty in life is to make them feel super great about themselves because they are, after all, the best.
3. The Perfect LoverThis narcissist seems lovely at first because they display incredible care, affection, and perfection to you in the beginning.
They flatter you, give you gifts, and make you love them. As soon as they have you, they use you until they are no longer interested.
They eventually cast you aside as boring. These people are often "gold diggers" as well.
4. The ElitistThis is a type of narcissist that probably came from money and wants to stay that way. They grew up in the lap of luxury and as a result look down on everyone else.
They may seem pragmatic, successful, intelligent, and driven at first, but eventually they demonstrate a desire to one up, brag, and self-promote.
5. The SchemerThis type of narcissist seems like they have good intentions from the start. They do good for people and their community, but there's always something to their kindness.
They expect something in return. And if they don't naturally get it, they'll demand it. If you don't give it to them, get ready for a serious conflict.
How Can An Empath Stop The Damage And Put An End To This Toxic Relationship?Every attempt to communicate your feelings to a narcissist is a lost cause. Narcissists are very charismatic and manipulative.
They will constantly try to blame the empath for the pain of both parties. They will make the empath feel as though they are responsible for all the problems at hand.
The Empath Has A Simple ChoiceYou can either remain as a victim of the narcissist's cruel game, or you can find the needed strength to walk away and put an end to the relationship once and for all.
Empaths needs to accept the fact that a narcissist will never change. Waiting around for a narcissist to become a better person is a waste of precious time.
In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that we let others treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated.
If an empath willing stays in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, they end up thinking that they do not deserve better than that.
This couldn't be farther from the truth. As an empath, you need to understand that is not your job to fix others, especially those who do not want to be fixed.
You cannot fix someone who doesn't think there is anything wrong.
Empaths need to realize that the way they were treated from the different types of narcissists listed above is not a treatment they deserved.
Find the courage to leave the relationship and utterly walk away from the narcissist.
Sent by Elise. 17/05/19
Avoid all 6 types of narcissists - But mental health pros say one type is especially damaging.
By KORIN MILLER, MAY 16, 2019
The term “narcissist” gets thrown around pretty often and haphazardly to describe actions that reflect someone’s self-interest. But at its core, narcissism goes beyond your friend monopolizing the dinner conversation last weekend to talk about her recent hot fling or awful boss. Rather, it’s a straight-up personality disorder that causes someone to have an inflated sense of self-importance. While narcissists are often charming at first (or second or third) blush, it’s best to avoid dating them or befriending or otherwise inviting them into your life for obvious reasons. But—since the disorder isn’t one-size-fits-all and there are several different types of narcissists, steering clear is often easier said than done.
“Many times, people can’t believe a person is that self-centered and lacking in empathy,” says therapist Lesli Doares, LMFT. “They are given the benefit of the doubt because they can act in ways that seem generous, but it’s only a ploy to keep someone connected to them or to get something specific in return.” It’s easy to latch on to those moments as “proof” that the narcissist actually cared, she explains—but this false earnestness doesn’t last.
Add up all this confusion, and it’s easy to see how simple unknowingly letting a narcissist into your life can be—which is precisely why it’s so important to know about the different types of narcissists, and their defining characteristics.
Learn about the 6 types of narcissists below—and which you should absolutely avoid.1. The toxic narcissistThere’s a range of toxic narcissism, and none of it is good. A toxic narcissist “continually causes drama in others’ lives at the very least and causes pain and destruction at the very worst,” says clinical psychologist John Mayer, PhD. So, if you happen to have a friend who constantly demands all of your time and attention—and doesn’t respond well when you don’t meet those demands—you may be dealing with a toxic narcissist. Likewise, if someone in your life has caused more extreme issues, like gotten you fired from your job, physically abused you, or led to the end of a relationship, they may be a toxic narcissist as well.
2. The psychopathic narcissistA psychopath is an unstable, aggressive person, and these traits also show up in the psychopathic narcissist. A psychopathic narcissist, which is a type of toxic narcissist, will often be violent and show no remorse for their behavior. “Serial killers largely make up this type of narcissist,” Dr. Mayer says.
3. The closet narcissistThis one can be trickier to spot than other types of narcissists because the person isn’t always obvious about their disorder. “A closet narcissist is one who doesn’t inflict their personality upon others or society but firmly believes in the characteristics of narcissism,” says Dr. Mayer. That can mean a host of things, including feeling entitled, constantly needing other people to admire them, being preoccupied with success, being jealous of other people, and lacking empathy for others.
“They’re a bit more codependent,” says psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT. “They often try to pretend that they’re really selfless, but like to associate themselves with someone that they admire and ride their coattails.”
4. The exhibitionist narcissistThe exhibitionist narcissist is on the opposite end of the narcissism spectrum from the closet narcissist. “This is the narcissist who lets everyone around them know that they are narcissistic,” says Dr. Mayer, adding that this person takes advantage of other people and is often haughty and arrogant. They’re also blatant about their self-centered behavior. “They need to be in the spotlight and get uncomfortable when they’re not,” Dr. Bash says.
5. The bullying narcissistThis person combines two terrible traits: bullying and self-absorption. Bullying narcissists build themselves up by trashing other people, Dr. Mayer says. They’re often fixated on winning and will mock or threaten others to get their way. They ultimately get joy from making other people feel bad, small, or unworthy. This is different from a “regular” bully who tends to put people down for social gain, where a bullying narcissist does it for personal motivation.
6. The seducer narcissistThis is a particularly tricky type of narcissist: The seducer will “make you feel great about yourself just to ‘win’ you over as a sexual or love conquest,” Dr. Mayer says. They will often seem to admire or fawn over you, only to write you off once they no longer have a use for you. Think: Regina George.
Ultimately, it’s not great to have any kind of narcissist in your life if you can help it, Doares says. But since the toxic narcissist is actually dangerous to be around, this is the one to avoid at all costs. “They can become abusive,” Dr. Bash says. “Other kinds of narcissists aren’t going to go out of their way to hurt somebody—they’re just obsessed with themselves. But a toxic narcissist may actually hurt someone.”
13/05/19
Sent by Diane Leroyd.
By Mohawk Mamii Benedict
Dear Victim,
I have lied to you about nearly everything. I am not sorry for this behavior because I cannot empathize with you. I chose narcissism so early in my life that I never had the chance to develop a conscience or the capacity to feel remorse or empathy for the way I hurt you. Still. I know it’s wrong on an intellectual level. I just cannot feel your pain. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can’t.
I became a narcissist because as a child I felt too vulnerable. I was sensitive. I felt too much and most of it was painful. I was made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody. I was hurt, betrayed, abused, just like you. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t loved, or why I was treated with contempt and like I didn’t matter. I was also was never given a good example of how to become a good person. I never had anyone to model in a positive way.
Life was so painful for me I had to do something about it. Something drastic. I had to become strong and never show weakness again, because my weakness was killing me. I was trained that being a sensitive person who feels compassion and remorse, a person who can love others, is a weak person. I know that isn’t really the case, but it was how I was trained. I was so young that I couldn’t see how wrong that might have been.
I reached a point where I had to make a choice. In order to survive, I had to sacrifice my humanity. I didn’t want to do it, but I felt like I had to. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I had to sell my soul.
In order to sell my soul, I had to shut you and everyone else out. I couldn’t allow myself to feel too much. I couldn’t allow myself to be sensitive anymore, and that meant I could no longer allow myself to love anyone, feel anyone else’s pain or joy, or feel sorry if I did something wrong.
I had to don this mask that I wear, which is a lie. In order to keep that lie intact, I had to treat others badly. I had to diminish you to prop my false self up. I had to hate you in order to “love” the mask that I show the world, because if I didn’t continually prop myself up by making you feel bad, my mask of lies might fall off and expose the real me, a powerless and vulnerable child which I had to protect at all costs, even if it meant destroying everyone else around me. I am a bully but inside I know I am nothing. I act like I love myself but I really hate myself. I only love the mask I wear. I abuse you to protect that mask.
You can never get through to my true self because the lies I tell are nearly impenetrable. I have lied so often and for so long that I myself have come to believe my own lies. I am a walking lie. That is the truth.
I will never let you get close to what I really feel. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Most of the time I feel nothing, because a lie has no feelings. But try to destroy my protective armor, and I will try to destroy you. If I must go down in flames, I am going to take you with me. I will rage and abuse you. I will gaslight you and tell you the most horrific lies about yourself.
I may seem nice at first or when I feel like the supply you give me is threatened or you may leave. I know how to get others to trust me–by acting like a nice person. I am good at acting like a nice person but I can’t feel a nice person’s emotions. It’s hard work to act nice, because that’s a lie too.
When you begin to trust me, I will start abusing you, because I must keep you at arm’s length and keep my mask of lies intact at all costs. Both the niceness I show you and the asshole I become are both lies. I cannot even access who I really am. I have forgotten. I just know that my true self is there, somewhere, and I can never, ever, let you meet them.
If you mirror back to me too much of the truth about me–if I become aware that you KNOW this mask I always wear is a fake–I will attempt to destroy you or cut you out of my life. I cannot afford to have the truth about myself revealed to me. Nothing terrifies me more than facing the truth about myself so I have dissociated myself from it. It scares me so much to realize how evil I have become. It hurts me so much that I had to choose this fake self because of what was done to me. I hate being evil. I really don’t want to be this way but I will never, ever admit that. I cannot ever show you or anyone in the world how weak and vulnerable I really am. But deep inside, I know I am.
I am still an infant. I never grew up. My emotional and moral development was arrested when I was just a very young child, so I only have the emotional maturity of a child that age. That’s why I can’t care about you. It’s why I must always have my way. Can a two or three year old care about YOUR feelings? Of course they can’t, and like a toddler, I can’t either. I am like a mentally challenged person, only my retardation isn’t mental, it’s emotional and moral. I’m emotionally retarded.
It’s hard work keeping up my false self. I am paranoid and defensive all the time that I will be discovered and exposed. It’s enormously stressful to be a narcissist. It’s stressful and often painful, and I know I have sacrificed the ability to ever feel real happiness in order to never be hurt again.
But still, I hurt all the time. You can hurt me very easily. The only way I dare show my hurt is by projecting it back onto you through my abuse and through my rages. I’m a bully because I always hurt so much. But I can’t hurt FOR you, only for myself. I cannot afford to hurt for you. I’m too busy always licking my own wounds and trying to keep the lie going. I will hurt YOU if I must to keep the lie intact.
As I age, I may soften a little but most likely I won’t. I could even become worse. Don’t wait for me to change because I most likely never will. Once I chose this life, there was no going back. I chose darkness and once that’s done, there is no going back to the light. I sold my soul and there’s no way to buy it back, but through the grace of God himself.
If you care about yourself (because I can never care about you), you must leave now. Don’t play my games. Ignore me and act like I don’t exist. Being treated like I don’t exist is the worst thing I can imagine, but if you care about your own survival it’s what you must do. I will destroy you if you don’t. Heed my warning.
There’s even a small–a very small–chance that your abandoning me and taking away the supply I get from you could make me take a look in the mirror for the first time at the lost child I left behind so long ago. If that happens, I will be in so much pain I may seek the help I need. Don’t count on it though. Even if I ever seek help, once I start feeling too much pain I will probably leave counseling. Feeling that pain is too terrifying. It’s easier to abuse my own mind (and yours) by keeping up the masks and lies.
Don’t wait for me to change. I won’t. Don’t play my games. Even if I rage, hold your ground. You’re stronger than I am. I will never let you know I know this. Don’t fall for my lies.
Better yet, leave now. Keep your soul intact. Don’t allow me to turn you into a shell of what you used to be or worse, a person like me, even though it’s what I want.
Sincerely,
Your Narcissist
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08/05/19
sent by Marian.
https://auniqueandportablemagic.blogspot.com/2014/08/5-warning-signs-to-avoid-getting.html?fbclid=IwAR3YA1nVmj93ZGYObR5yoHCgpmDLDikFvQsK2-m3qBfcIz_CoIJHtAKvteA
5 Warning Signs to Avoid Getting Involved with an Altruistic NarcissistWhen you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is highly likely that you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. One minute your partner is loving – praising you for all of your positive attributes, announcing how they will support you until the end of time and moving heaven and earth – just to be there for you. The next minute however, when you question their opinions, offer constructive criticism, or dare to set boundaries with them…watch out.
Most narcissists are exceptionally skilled at appearing especially giving, caring, loving, and supportive. In fact, their “generosity” or “selflessness” (as they like to put it) can be considered by many to be over-the-top. They don’t just love you – they ADORE you. They don’t just want to offer you advice on your business, they want to be involved in EVERY step of it so they can “guide or mentor” you with their wisdom. They don’t just support you – they want to SAVE you…from what? Who knows?
There are several different types of narcissists, but for this blog post, I will focus on Altruistic Narcissists because of all the subtypes, these individuals are sometimes difficult to spot. Their display of generosity and charitable behaviors often fool people into thinking that they are genuinely giving or supportive without needing to take credit. Here in lies the difference between individuals who do altruistic acts over Altruistic Narcissists: Altruistic narcissists do all that they do for others, in order to be able to proclaim it to others or to feel self-important.
When involved with an altruistic narcissist, many people often feel confused and anxious. They wonder how it’s possible for someone so attentive and loving to have narcissistic tendencies. How is it possible that the same person who is selfless in every single way, can at the same time make verbal jabs towards their partners, undermining their opinions or feelings and even become emotionally abusive when they feel that their expertise is being called into question?
The act of giving enhances the narcissist's sense of omnipotence, his/ her amazing generosity, and the secret contempt he holds for others. It is easy to feel superior to the recipients of one's generosity. Narcissistic altruism is about exerting control and maintaining it by fostering dependence in the beneficiaries.
The altruistic narcissist flaunts his charitable nature as bait. He impresses others with his kindness and then manipulates them into thinking that they need him. He will brainwash his partner into subservient collaboration. The altruistic narcissist often acts with deep empathy for others, shedding tears at how emotionally moved they are by your suffering. That is, until you decide that you no longer need their help. Then the verbal attacks or emotional jabs begin.
To a narcissist, you aren't supposed to be independent - not really. They claim to admire and appreciate autonomy in a person; however, in their mind, you're not supposed to be independent or self-sufficient…because how will they be able to take credit for helping you?
People are often initially attracted to their theatrical, larger than life personality, or giving nature - only to later discover their true personality traits when it's too late. This does not prevent the altruistic narcissist from assuming the role of the exploited victim when others do not meet his expectations or try to set boundaries with them.
The help offered by an altruistic narcissist is strategic. They keep mental track of everything they have done for others. This way they can call old friends or ex-partners for favors, ask for financial support, or expect to be catered to emotionally when they're feeling vulnerable. They’re also very good at convincing people that they have your best interest in mind and manipulate ex-partners into believing how much they’ve changed after the relationship ended. Once they’ve rekindled a romance , friendship or business contact however, it will not be long before their partner realizes that their need for attention and admiration is beyond any one person’s capacity.
The altruistic narcissist is exhausting to be around. One minute they praise you, and the next they add Narcissists need almost constant admiration and cannot tolerate even perceived criticism because they need what psychologists call mirroring. They will often place themselves last and putting everyone first in order to receive attention and praise for their actions. They need almost constant energy or validation from external sources. They need you to tell them how wonderful, caring, empathic, attractive or intelligent they are
little critiques or jabs masked as “helpful advice” to help you “improve” some aspect of your life. They like to think of themselves as gurus who will guide and enlighten those around them. They pretend to be someone they can never be as a way to mask their emotional needy nature.
It’s important to know that the altruistic narcissist performs such acts knowing that he feels false, and their acts of generosity have agendas attached to them. The narcissist is a master at faking concern, interest, or compassion. These agendas involve getting what they want out of you. Ultimately, the altruistic narcissist is capable of the malicious pathology and declaring undying commitment to friends and partners, while simultaneously declaring identical scripts to other people in order to secure favors, attention, sex or praise.
Altruistic narcissists are never accountable, even when they pretend to be. If they proclaim to take ownership for their actions, deep inside they dismiss your critiques by thinking that YOU are the one who is insecure, crazy or jealous. They like to project their insecurities onto others. Although they often mention their intelligence, they do not possess the emotional intelligence necessary in order to maintain a long-term relationship. Sooner or later, their partners will run for the hills and when they do, they can expect to be socially slandered. It's never their fault.
More than any other personality disorder, the narcissist is fixated on punishing you – “How dare you do this to me after everything that I’ve done for you!” Such emotional attacks occur due to the slightest invalidating critique. If you try to set boundaries, or state your rights, you will be accused of everything the narcissist is doing, gas lighted and punished with manipulations and then smeared to anyone who will listen to the narcissist.
Here are some warning signs to avoid getting involved with an altruistic narcissist:
1) Self-promotion of being giving, caring, or emotionally evolved. Generous and caring people simply are generous and caring without having to declare this to you. They do not have to sell how incredible they are or how they have helped others. Male altruistic narcissists, in particular, act as if they are supporters and protectors of strong and independent women. They appear to honor, revere, and promote women. However, like all narcissists they are actually demanding the emotional approval and worthiness from women, and will slander these women when their expectations are inevitably unmet. At the very least you will be dismissed as "not good enough" or "crazy" and your thoughts, decisions or behaviors will be critiqued.
2) Any extreme statement pertaining to love, especially if done too soon. You know you are dealing with a narcissist when they declare that you are “the love of his/her life”, that he or she would always “be there” for you, or would drop everything for keep you safe. These are extreme statements and acts designed to bring the attention back to their acts of generosity or heroism. The “giving” is never really about YOU – it’s about feeding their fragile ego.
3) Anyone who asks too many personal questions, excessively offers their guidance when it’s not needed or wanted, and gets easily offended when you set boundaries. These are not acts of caring, rather and expression of entitlement and need for power and control over your decisions. Many altruistic narcissists push you into providing them with as much personal information as they can get from you, so they can later take credit for helping you, inspiring you, or guiding you in your pursuits or accomplishments.
4) An ex-partner who appears out of nowhere and becomes jealous of your relationship with the narcissist, or tries to warn you against the narcissist. There is a high probability that they are either still maintaining a sexual relationship with your new partner or sincerely trying to warn you against getting involved with them. Although an ex-partner reaching out to you is considered inappropriate as well, do NOT accept your partner’s excuses to discredit their ex. When it comes to altruistic narcissists, very often the ex's are right. Also beware of meeting anyone who states all the reasons why his previous partners were "crazy.” No matter how wonderful and “different” he professes you are, you will eventually fall short of the idealized demands. Sooner or later he will discredit you to others.
5) A verbally abusive and/or unavailable relationship with either of his or her parents. Especially if the abuse or abandonment occurred before the age of 10. They often declare that they respect and honor their parent; however, they way they speak to them proves otherwise.
At the core of narcissist pathology is entitlement. When they want it, they feel entitled to your attention, money, services, or admiration. More than other types of narcissists, the altruistic narcissist, in particular, compulsively displays over-the-top behavior in terms of giving - whether it be gifts, attention, praise or advice. They believe that because they gave you so much, that you in turn should give them what they want, or behave in the manner they wish, without question. When you suggest that their demands are inappropriate, they turn into either ‘the wounded child’ or a ‘callous bully’ at the drop of a hat. When the altruistic narcissist feel slighted, they can even turn vengeful, spiteful and vindictive, often leaving their partners feeling blind-sighted.
Dr. Suzana E. Flores is the resident clinical psychologist to The Book Stops Here
Dr. Flores is a clinical psychologist, TEDx and Keynote Speaker specializing in pop culture and social media expression. Dr. Flores has appeared on national and international newscasts, podcasts, radio and talk shows. Dr. Flores has been quoted in The Chicago Tribune, The Wall Street Journal, The Huffington Post, Time.com, CNBC.com, ABC.com, CBS.com, Esquire.com, and Men's Health Magazine.
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Jesse Franklin
19/02/19
12 Things Narcissists Say And What They REALLY Mean
Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a malignant narcissist or otherwise manipulative, toxic person is well acquainted with how they use language differently.
The phrases that most people use in everyday conversations bear a far different meaning in the context of an abusive relationship with a narcissist. As Carrie Barron M.D. notes, “Current thought challenges the notion that narcissists secretly suffer from low self-esteem or insecurity. Or that they suffer as much as we thought in the ways that we thought. Recent findings indicate they take pleasure in successful manipulations. Putting down unsuspecting, soft-hearted souls in their midst is a sport. They truly believe in their superiority even if objective evidence does not back it up.”
When you’re dealing with an empathy-deficient individual with a high sense of entitlement and a sadistic need to bring others down, conversations become crazymaking minefields meant to psychologically terrorize and divert you. In fact, to decode a narcissist’s language requires listening more to their actions than their words.
When a narcissist’s words are translated into their actual meaning, the results are frankly disturbing. Here are twelve common phrases narcissists use and what they actually mean:
1. I love you. Translation: I love owning you. I love controlling you. I love using you. It feels so good to love-bomb you, to sweet-talk you, to pull you in and to discard you whenever I please. When I flatter you, I can have anything I want. You trust me. You open up so easily, even after you’ve already been mistreated. Once you’re hooked and invested, I’ll pull the rug beneath your feet just to watch you fall.
2. I am sorry you feel that way.Translation: Sorry, not sorry. Let’s get this argument over with already so I can continue my abusive behavior in peace. I am not sorry that I did what I did, I am sorry I got caught. I am sorry you’re calling me out. I am sorry that I am being held accountable. I am sorry you have the emotions that you do. To me, they’re not valid because I am entitled to have everything I want – regardless of how you feel about it.
3. You’re oversensitive/overreacting.Translation: You’re having a perfectly normal reaction to an immense amount of bullshit, but all I see is that you’re catching on. Let me gaslight you some more so you second-guess yourself. Emotionally invalidating you is the key to keeping you compliant. So long as you don’t trust yourself, you’ll work that much harder to rationalize, minimize and deny my abuse. While you’re working so hard to please me, I am reaping all the benefits without any consequences for my behavior.
4. You’re crazy.Translation: I am a master of creating chaos to provoke you. I love it when you react. That way, I can point the finger and say you’re the crazy one. After all, no one would listen to what you say about me if they thought you were just bitter or unstable. Forget the fact that I am the one who’s truly rageful and irrational, lashing out anything that threatens my sense of superiority.
5. My exes are crazy.Translation: I made my exes crazy. It was so fun! All I had to do was provoke, poke and prod until I got a reaction. Finally when I did, I used those reactions against them to show everyone how unhingedthey are. Soon, you’ll be the “crazy ex” too.
6. She/he is just a friend.Translation: I keep this person as a backup for whenever I get bored. They may replace you if you leave. In fact, they may already be acting as a valuable side piece. If you complain about my shady behavior with this person, I’ll make sure you seem like the controlling one.
7. You’re so jealous and insecure.Translation: God, this love triangle is fun. I love the way you compete for my attention. Makes me feel so desirable and powerful when I flirt with others in front of you. Gets you riled up. It’s especially entertaining to manufacture insecurities in you by pointing out flaws that don’t exist or to pick at the wounds that already do. The more diminished you feel, the less likely you’ll try to escape my grasp. The truth is, everything you suspect about my flirtations and affairs is grounded in reality. But let me remind you: I am entitled to everything. That includes the attention of other romantic prospects.
8. You have trust issues.Translation: I am an untrustworthy person, which I’ve shown time and time again by betraying you. Your gut is right, but it’ll be a cold day in hell if I ever admit it. The best thing you could probably do is trust yourself and run in the other direction – but of course, that would be far less fun for me.
9. It’s not all about you.Translation: It’s really all about me, me, me. If you ever turn the attention back to your own needs, I’ll make sure to project my own self-centeredness onto you. I’ll make you feel guilty and ashamed of having these needs in the first place, because I’ll never be able to fulfill them. I just don’t have the emotional equipment to do so – nor do I want to, because it takes the focus away from the person who’s really important. Me!
10. Why can’t we remain friends?Translation: I really don’t like losing members of my personal harem. I’d prefer to keep you on the back burner in case I need to use you in the future. Plus, collecting exes is a hobby of mine. It’s so convenient to be able to reach out to one whenever I am feeling especially bored. Who knew being friends could be such a great way to prevent losing valuable sources of supply so easily?
11. No one would believe you.Translation: I’ve isolated you to the point where you feel you have no support. I’ve smeared your name to others ahead of time so people already suspect the lies I’ve told about you. So yes, some people may not believe you – especially the ones who still think I am an amazing person. Especially the people who continue to enable me.
There are still others who might believe you, though, and I can’t risk being caught. Making you feel alienated and alone is the best way for me to protect my image. It’s the best way to convince you to remain silent and never speak the truth about who I really am.
12. You’ll never find someone else like me.Translation: If you never find someone else like me, that’s a good thing. There are empathic people out there who will treat you far better than I ever did. But I’d never want you to find them or discover your true worth. I’d prefer you to keep pining after me.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/12/12-things-narcissists-say-and-what-they-really-mean/?
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13/02/19
sent by Pam Mitchell.
This really opens things up.
Sent By Pam Mitchell
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2017/08/psychopathy-and-feelings/
People often speculate whether persons with strong narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic tendencies feel normal human emotions such as sadness, joy, love, remorse, and empathy. It is definitely interesting to look at such people’s emotional life, or lack thereof.
All three can learn to mimic a wide range of emotions and exhibit socially desirable, acceptable, and rewardable behaviors to get what they want or to blend in. That’s why a lot of people like that are called high-functioning. They can be extremely manipulative, and are often motivated by a sense of power and control.
Many perpetrators go unidentified, however, because they have learned to socially camouflage themselves or because they are in a secure enough situation. Many who fit here are described by others as charming, or normal, or respectable, or family-oriented, or hard working, or intelligent, or kind, or successful, or amazing people. People like that learn how they should feel and act to get what they want without negative consequences. It’s all about personal gain, at the expense of hurting others.
There are those who cry when they are caught. Not necessarily because they feel remorse for their victims but because they are forced to face the reality of the consequences of their actions. They feel bad because bad things are happening to them, not because they hurt others.
The most commonly suggested characteristics for all three, most of which are antisocial, are as follows:
- Lying and deceiving
- A lack of care and concern for others.
- A severely limited emotional intelligence
- A lack of remorse or guilt
- Aggressiveness (active or passive)
- Narcissistic tendencies: charm, grandiosity, exaggeration of one’s own good qualities and achievements, seeing others as objects, a sense of entitlement and feeling special, exploiting and hurting others, black and white thinking, heavy projection, and a few others.
- Narcissism is the mildest dysfunction out of those three. A narcissist’s dominating emotional states are shame and insecurity (which is often followed by anger, fear, loneliness, and emptiness), and this causes them to be preoccupied with other people’s perception of them. Their identity is defined by other people’s perception of them. As a result, they feel a need to constantly regulate their fragile sense of self-esteem.
- Sociopathy is sometimes defined as a milder form of psychopathy, where the person’s tendencies are much stronger and the emotional life is poorer compared to narcissism.
- Psychopathy can be seen as the most severe condition. Here, the person is callous and emotionless in their hurtful and destructive behavior. A sociopath might still care about hurting those they have a bond with and they may still experience various emotional reactions (irritation, anger, nervousness) which makes their abusive behavior more erratic, whereas a psychopath is more collected and organized in their thought and behavior and usually doesn’t feel any interpersonal attachment.
But first, let’s quickly define the terms used here.
The concepts of narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathyIt is worth noting that, oftentimes, there is no clear distinction between all three terms--narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy. The classification depends on the people who use these terms. Sometimes they even contradict each other. It is widely agreed, however, that all three share many similarities, and can even be used interchangeably (especially sociopathy and psychopathy).
If we agree that there are some differences among all three, then a suggested model could be the following. People with strong narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic tendencies can be seen as being on a spectrum, based on the severity of their dysfunctional behavior and emotional incapability: narcissism <—> sociopathy <—> psychopathy.
All three can learn to mimic a wide range of emotions and exhibit socially desirable, acceptable, and rewardable behaviors to get what they want or to blend in. That’s why a lot of people like that are called high-functioning. They can be extremely manipulative, and are often motivated by a sense of power and control.
Many perpetrators go unidentified, however, because they have learned to socially camouflage themselves or because they are in a secure enough situation. Many who fit here are described by others as charming, or normal, or respectable, or family-oriented, or hard working, or intelligent, or kind, or successful, or amazing people. People like that learn how they should feel and act to get what they want without negative consequences. It’s all about personal gain, at the expense of hurting others.
Empathy and hurting othersEmpathy is a fundamental factor to consider and evaluate when trying to understanding how these conditions manifest, because empathy is the ability to understand how the other person feels and thinks, and why. The ability to feel empathy and to act compassionately is usually underdeveloped or even completely lacking among people with narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic traits.
A healthier person doesn’t aggress against others because they empathize with the other person’s pain and don’t like it. People with stronger narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic traits either don’t care if they hurt others, or they actually want to hurt others. The fact that they hurt others is not a bother to them (either because of denial, delusion, or a lack of consideration).
Some justify it by saying, “they deserve it,” or “they asked for it,” or “it’s their fault,” et cetera, but that is just blaming the victim. There are many documented cases of, for example, rapists or extreme child abusers stating that the person they had clearly abused wanted it or deserved it. Others simply respond with, “Yes, I did hurt them, so what?” or “It’s not that bad.”
Since one of the tendencies here is black and white thinking, it is easy for such a person to behave so unempathetically because they see the world as I or us versus them, or good (me) versus evil (the victim), or right (me) versus wrong (the victim). And so if it’s “them” that they aggress against, then it’s not an issue—and sometimes it’s even a “noble” goal.
Compassion? Bonding? Remorse? Sadness?It is often speculated how much emotion, or even what kinds of emotions, a highly narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic person may feel, and how wide of an emotional spectrum they have.
Again, empathy and capacity for attachment play a vital role here. While some perpetrators, especially on the milder side of the spectrum, can feel various degrees of remorse, generally if a person severely lacks empathy, then they don’t feel compassion necessary to feel remorse. Especially if they are experts of rationalizing their dysfunctional behavior (“they deserve it,” “I’m right and they’re wrong,” “social rules don’t apply to me”).
A person feels empathy to the degree that they see others as people. And most narcissists, sociopaths, and especially psychopaths have severe problems perceiving others as people, empathizing with them, or feeling attachment. Such a person is severely detached from their inner world, so a lack of self-empathy results in a lack of empathy for others. This is one of the main reasons why they are unable to build or sustain real, healthy relationships outside of self-benefit.
However, sometimes people like that can feel emotionally bonded with a specific person. It’s not a healthy bond but a bond nonetheless, whether because they need them for something or they look up to them or share similar values. Consequently, they can feel some remorse and saddness when hurting them or losing them. However, usually there is no remorse for hurting a regular person because they see them as objects that only exist to serve their needs, not as people and sometimes not even as human.
Interestingly, severe abusers with strong narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic tendencies can feel empathy for their victims… if you consider empathy as registering that the other person is feeling emotional pain (e.g., fear). In other words, they can recognize certain emotions in others and use them for personal gain.
That’s why some abuse others in the first place: to see the fear in another person’s eyes and feel in power (therefore safe and mighty versus weak, inadequate, disrespected, or hurt). It has been documented that crimes like rape are not always about sex but rather about power. People like that are capable of recognizing emotions in others, but they interpret these reactions in relation to themselves instead of the other person (“What does this experience of another mean in relation to me?”).
Sadness is also an interesting emotion in context of these conditions. Some people with severe narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic tendencies can feel sadness or grief and can even cry. For example, if someone with whom they had a bond with dies. For others, an exposure to trauma can elicit certain emotions that were otherwise deeply repressed. Some are protective of the weak, like animals or children, and then have no problem severely hurting those who hurt the weak.
There are also those who cry when they are caught. Not necessarily because they feel remorse for their victims but because they are forced to face the reality of the consequences of their actions. They feel bad because bad things are happening to them, not because they hurt others.
Sources and references:
- Cikanavicius, D. (2017). Narcissism (Part 1): What It Is and Isn’t. Self-Archeology. Retrieved August 7, 2017, from http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2017/05/narcissism-what-it-is-and-isnt.html
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05/01/19
sent by Karen
Malignant Narcissism is DangerousThis term "malignant narcissist" was first created in 1964 by Erich Fromm. Dr. Otto Kernberg expounded upon this in the 1980s. By his definition, a malignant narcissist is someone who is grandiose and self-absorbed, and has the other characteristics of the clinically defined narcissistic personality disorder.
However, a malignant narcissist also has a sadistic side. He or she enjoys playing cruel games, and watching people suffer. The disorder is also characterized by an appalling lack of empathy.
If you've ever had your life turned upside down by a malignant narcissist, then this article is just for you.
No doubt, it's been a horrendous experience. If only you could have seen it coming. Then you might have avoided the pain, drama, suffering and self doubt.
People who work above board naturally assume others do the same. But a significant minority do not. They toy with targets much like a cat plays with a mouse before killing it. They are devious and manipulative. They are insanely jealous. They want whatever you possess, and will stop at nothing to get it.
It's estimated 1 out of every 25 people is a malignant narcissist. This means they are deeply disturbed and thoroughly miserable. In order to ease their internal strife, and to boost their self esteem, they feel a need to bring others down. Unfortunately, this is where you entered the picture.
Going forward, it helps to understand how narcissists work.
Why were you chosen as a target? Basically, because you had something the narcissist wanted. Or, she noticed a vulnerability in your life and seized upon it.
Malignant narcissists are good at reading social situations. Before striking, she calculated the risk. (In order not to get caught, and called out on her behavior.) She decided she could get away with it. That's because she sensed a weak link in your armor.
For instance, if you're new to a job, you haven't had a chance to build relationships. This leaves you virtually defenseless.The narcissist knows this.
So she gathers information to disable you. Often, this occurs during the "sizing up" stage when she pretends to be your friend. (Be aware of pushy people you don't know well pumping you for highly personal information.)
Armed with these details, she destroys your reputation. She does this by throwing in a few real facts, combined with outrageous lies. This is very effective.
A narcissist also looks for cracks in an existing support system. Here is another example.
You live in a neighborhood filled with young families. You enjoy your neighbors, whom have children the same age as yours.
Then, a new couple moves in.
You like to welcome people. So you introduce them to everyone else. They fit right in.
Soon, they're part of the crowd. Within a month, they have parties at their house. You're invited, but it's uncomfortable. You can't put your finger on it, but the group dynamics have shifted.
Fast forward six months. The newcomers organize all neighborhood events. Everyone is included, except for your family.
It bothers you that your children are hurt. Now, it's Christmas vacation. Just this morning, your eight-year-old daughter watched all her friends pile into two mini-vans parked across the street. Everybody was headed to a skating rink, followed by a pizza party.
This, unfortunately, has become a pattern. Right now, your daughter is upstairs in her room, wailing because she can't go skating.
Your neighborhood support system was weak. It was based upon geographical proximity, as well as the fact everyone had young children. These friendships often don't run deep.
Also, you are your neighbors share a common goal. You want your children to grow into decent human beings. You want them to have good companions. That's why you moved into this nice neighborhood in the first place.
When a situation arose, in which the children could attend a fun event, organized by a neighbor, everybody jumped at the chance, despite the fact everyone wasn't invited. Maybe they didn't see it this way. Perhaps they didn't know.
But, even if they did, very few people have the gumption risk their own social standing, and, more importantly, their children's, to insist one family isn't marginalized.
In this case, the new female on your block has strong narcissistic tendencies. She wants to dominate the social scene. But, first, she needs to push you out of the way. This was accomplished by taking control of all activities.
Female bullies employ something known as relational aggression, as a way of excluding a target. Everyone else wanted their children to participate, so they went along with it. Very few people have the integrity to do the right thing, when a master manipulator is in their orbit.
Overt narcissists are easy characters to spot. However, some people with this disorder are incredibly good at hiding behind a mask. What you see on the outside are learned behaviors, designed to mimic real emotions. Underneath lurks an emotional vampire.
However, a dead giveaway is poor emotional regulation. You might just see passing glimpses of this. An individual may show inappropriate rage, or blow up over trial matters. Even if this is short-lived, and it's quickly followed by an apology, proceed cautiously.
One of the best ways to protect yourself from being hurt by a narcissist is to learn about this condition. That way, you can spot the signs. (Forewarned is forearmed.)
The keyword is boundaries. For instance, if you ask somebody over for coffee, they may stay six hours rather than for two. Or, they might ask you to watch their children for a weekend, right after meeting you. (Narcissistic mothers aren't noted for their maternal skills.)
If you sense something is off, go with that feeling. Give this new relationship some distance and perspective, before becoming entangled.
It's always a good idea to slowly get to know people. At work, don't readily divulge personal details. In the wrong hands, this information can derail your career goals.
Narcissists have long memories. If you've ever offended one, watch your back. Never engage in a head-to-head battle with a character disordered person. They will retaliate, even if it takes a year or more.
Some experts believe narcissists are drawn toward highly empathetic types, who don't mind helping others. This meshes will with the narcissist's goals.
Here is an example.
Narcissistic mothers need someone to watch their children. Despite a carefully crafted appearance of being a "supermom," they don't like the work it involves.
So they need someone to shuttle their children to soccer practice and piano lessons. They'll show up for the games and the recitals.
Since the day-to-day routine of raising a family bores the heck out of them, they depend upon others to do the heavy lifting.
That's why she chose you, her nice non-complaining "friend." But if you step back and take a look, this is a very one-side "friendship." Cut the cord. You deserve much better.
Some people are raised in a family where one or both parents, or perhaps an older sibling, had strong narcissistic tendencies. Disordered behaviors were considered normal. So, as they mature, they don't readily recognize the warning signs. They have too much patience with inappropriate behavior. And they dismiss bizarre actions as personality quirks.
We're all drawn to what is familiar. Unfortunately, for many targets, bad behavior is what feels comfortable.
So learn all you can about malignant narcissism. Then, when you see it, run fast in the other direction.
24/12/18
Sent by Marian and acknowledged as written by Anne McCrea
NarcissisticandEmotionalAbuse.com
December 23, 2018During these past few years I have been in touch with thousands of people whose lives have been shattered by emotional abuse. Some of this abuse has come from within the family unit, from people who should have had their back but instead were the ones holding the knife. Others have experienced abuse from ‘friends’ (I use that term lightly) or within the workplace. Regardless of where this abuse comes from, the effects can be absolutely devastating. To add to the pain that each and every one has suffered, these people often reach out to friends, family or professionals only to find that they are not believed or that the abuse they endured, is played down and considered trivial because there are no visible marks or scars. This invalidation adds further pain to the individual who has suffered more than enough.
Unfortunately, people who have not experienced emotional abuse, have little understanding of the devastation caused by this form of maltreatment. Sadly, this applies to many psychologists and therapists whose knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is somewhat limited. These counsellors can do more harm than good. In the cases of couples counselling, the therapist is often taken in by the narcissist and blames the target, not the perpetrator. Narcissists are pathological liars who show no emotion when lying which is why they are so often believed. They will also tell the truth in misleading ways giving the therapist an incorrect perspective, for example, telling part of a story where they talk about your behaviour, leaving out their provocation that made you react to their abuse.
‘In order for couples counselling to be successful, both partners must be willing to take responsibility for their actions and make adjustments to their behaviour. Abusive people want all the power and control in the relationship and will focus on maintaining that imbalance, even if it means continuing unhealthy and hurtful behaviour patterns. Many callers to the Hotline have related stories of trying and ‘failing’ at couples counselling because of an abusive partner’s focus on manipulating the sessions to place blame, minimize the abuse and attempt to win over the therapist to their side.’ (The National Domestic Violence Hotline). It is imperative, when searching for a therapist or counsellor, that you ascertain they understand this dynamic and are up to speed on the subject of NPD. There are many excellent counsellors out there. Make sure you engage the help of the right one.
It is estimated that one in three targets of abuse will develop PTSD as a result of what was done to them. This is treatable with the correct help and support. Please click here for more information on PTSD.
Society in general needs to be educated about narcissism, including therapists, law enforcement officers, judges, attorneys, and barristers. Sometimes their lack of knowledge and understanding of malignant narcissism results in a target of such abuse being further abused by the judicial system or counsellors who are supposed to help them. The uneducated tend to think that a narcissist is someone who loves themselves and have no insight into the long term psychological damage these people often cause. This disorder goes way beyond selfishness and self-love, in fact, narcissists are often plagued with self-loathing and self-doubt. Although this type of personality frequently displays an air of grandiosity and arrogance, behind the false exterior there often lies a vulnerability and such a very fragile ego. Their overreaction to some perceived slight can be absolutely devastating to those they target.
Professionals and the general public need to educate themselves on terms such as:
GASLIGHTING which is an insidious process which occurs over a period of time resulting in the person being gaslighted questioning their own reality and/or sanity. Please click here for more information on Gaslighting.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR such as the silent treatment which is a favourite tactic of an abuser where all attempts at communication are met with deadly silence. Please click here more information on The Silent Treatment.
Experts throughout the world use criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) which is published by the American Psychiatric Association, to diagnose mental health conditions such as NPD.
The Mayo Clinic sets out the criteria from the DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder:
- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
- Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it.
- Exaggerating your achievements and talents.
- Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
- Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people.
- Requiring constant admiration.
- Having a sense of entitlement.
- Expecting special favours and unquestioning compliance with your expectations.
- Taking advantage of others to get what you want.
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
- Being envious of others and believing others envy you.
- Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner.
Many people have no understanding of why someone would remain in a relationship with someone who is abusive either emotionally or physically. Some well-intentioned individuals will ask questions like, ‘Why did you not just leave?’ If only it was a simple as that. Targets of abuse may be beaten down over time with neither the desire nor strength to fight. They may be tied to their abuser by a psychological phenomenon known Trauma Bonding. Please click here for more information on Trauma Bonding.
People need to understand that recovering from narcissistic abuse is a lengthy process. Never put a time limit on your recovery. For some, this will take two or three years but sadly for many, much longer. Give time, plenty of time. Education is a key part in recovery. No blame should be placed on a target of abuse. There is light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. We just need to know how to switch it on.
Written by Anne McCrea
20/11/18
Sent by Marian Lightfoote
I came across this article quite awhile ago and for some reason decided to print it out. I cant remember who wrote it only that it was in a medical publication. If anyone really needs to find the author im sure it should be easy enough. With the comments on here once again turning to narcissistic behaviour i think it's a good example to share.
In this article I will share some of the observations I have made over the years while thoroughly studying people with narcissistic tendencies and their behavior in various environments and situations. And while the commenter asked specifically about covert, malignant narcissists, I’ll give a more general overview and talk about various types of reactions to information on narcissism. We will explore the narcissistic person’s psychological, emotional, and behavioral reactions to the situation.
Indifference. Some narcissistic people live in their bubble where they are all-knowing and experts at everything, even though they have never really studied human behavior nor, in many cases, have the capacity to accurately understand it (false superiority, Dunning-Kruger effect). So they see no point in learning about it. They choose to spend their time doing something else instead of trying to understand their life better.
Denial. One of the hallmark traits of highly narcissistic people is that they have little to no self-awareness. As a result, they don’t see themselves as having these traits and acting wrongly. Or if they do see it to some degree, they invent various justifications to feel righteous in their how they feel and act. As a result, they are in denial about it or normalize it.
Delusion. Delusional thinking is closely related to denial and one’s defense mechanisms. People with strong narcissistic tendencies tend to create all sorts of stories, “observations,” “connections,” and “insights.” To anybody who is familiar with the actual situation or who has more knowledge and experience in narcissism and dark personality traits, it is quickly evident that these narratives are not based in reality and are only made up to justify their bizarre tendencies.
Many narcissists don’t see themselves as actual narcissists, even though they clearly are, but rather as a “misunderstood, underappreciated, special person,” which is a part of their grandiose delusion.
Projection. Narcissistic people project incredibly often (narcissistic projection). They may read an article or watch a video on narcissism and think that it’s about everyone else in their life and not them. Meanwhile in reality, it’s more likely than not that the information describes them and not others in their life, unless they surround themselves with other narcissistic people, too. (More on projection later.)
Malignant curiosity. I’ve mentioned it before in a different article, but it’s worth noting that there is a subset of people with strong narcissistic tendencies who like learning about psychology and human behavior. Not because they want to get better or genuinely help others but for two main reasons. One, for status, where they hope to be perceived as smart. And two, in order to use this information to get more efficient at being narcissistic, manipulative, cunning, and get away with it.
Narcissistic people are incredibly fragile and sensitive, even though they like posturing as if they are without weaknesses, strong, and definitely stronger than you. This is a mask they wear to compensate for all the fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and self-loathing they feel deep down.
So when they encounter a piece of information about narcissism they immediately might feel exposed, ashamed, betrayed, or attacked. Moreover, they often take things very personally and think that everything is about them. So they might feel that the author is talking about them personally or calling them out. Especially if it’s by someone they know. In other words, here, they perceive it as a personal attack.
Feelings of deep shame are often followed by strong anger or rage. In psychology, it is sometimes referred to as narcissistic rage because of a narcissistic injury, which is a perceived threat to a narcissistic person’s self-esteem that now they need to regulate.
Here, they also sometimes project by claiming that people talking about narcissism are just “triggered,” overly sensitive, “complaint,” and reactionary, or that “they are the real narcissists.” Meanwhile, they themselves are incredibly easily triggered and automatically act out to manage those overwhelming emotions, and are trying to justify and normalize it while shifting attention elsewhere.
There are two primary categories of behavioral narcissistic reactions: aggressive and non-aggressive. Sometimes there’s an overlap between their subsets, too.
Aggressive reactions involve antisocial behaviors and can be directed towards the author, the audience, or even someone else who has nothing to do with the information at hand (significant other, coworker, child, animal, inanimate objects).
Sometimes aggressive reactions are one-time occurrences, like a nasty comment, hate mail, or threat. Some use anonymous or fake accounts, numbers, and addresses, while others aim for a direct confrontation and intimidation.
Other times aggressive reactions are continuous, where the narcissistic person continues attacking and stalking their target. It becomes their perceived personal vendetta. It can include other people that the narcissist has turned against you, which in pop psychology is referred to as flying monkeys. Sometimes all of it escalates so much that the legal authorities have to be notified and the perpetrator is forced to stop.
Non-aggressive reactions usually result in the narcissist falling into a depressive state and validation-seeking behavior, where they try to get false validation and narcissistic supply from those around them in order to feel better about themselves and manage their feelings of shame, self-loathing, and inferiority.
Whatever the highly narcissistic person’s reactions to information about narcissism are, they are very rarely healthy. Usually they are destructive, chaotic, dramatic, delusional, and antisocial. Sadly, most highly narcissistic people don’t really change. Actually in many cases they only get worse as they become older and others become more aware and less tolerant of their unhealthy tendencies.
Sent by Kerry Goodall
27/10/18
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2018/07/6-dark-traits-of-the-female-sociopath/?l
6 Dark Traits of The Female SociopathBy Shahida Arabi, Bestselling Author
~ 6 min read
Female sociopaths and narcissists are dangerous precisely because their manipulation often flies under the radar. Although there is an ongoing debate about the definition of “sociopath” versus “narcissist,” it’s safe to say that both types exhibit the following:
- A callous lack of empathy.
- A tendency to manipulate and con others for their own gain.
- A sense of egocentrism and excessive entitlement along with blatant disregard for the rights, needs and feelings of others.
The reality of their malice becomes darker when we consider that females are socialized by our society to be covertly aggressive. As a result, they are more likely to bully others through underhanded methods such as relational aggression – abuse through sabotage of someone’s social relationships and reputation – all while mastering the guise of a sweet exterior.
Here are six signs you are dealing with a female sociopath or narcissist on the high end of the spectrum:
1. They mirror and love-bomb you in order to get information.When a female narcissist or sociopath first meets you, they are on a mission to collect as much information about you as possible. The female sociopath is assessing whether you’d make a good target. As her unsuspecting victim, she ‘zooms in’ on you with an excessive amount of attention. Her warm and nurturing façade helps to facilitate her covert machinations. On the outside, she is friendly and inviting, but within, she is vindictive, ruthless and cunning. Yet in the beginning, it’ll appear as if you both have so much in common.
She’ll play to your sympathy and pity by pretending she has similar life experiences as you. She’ll claim she has similar interests, hobbies, passions, life goals and values. Little do you know, this is a cold and calculating gesture used to find out as much as possible about your strengths and weaknesses so she can exploit both to her advantage. Under her hawk-like gaze, the female sociopath mirrors you to win your trust and to make you disclose personal information that she plans to use against you.
In the initial stage, she will build for you a beautiful pedestal so that you’re tempted to buy into her con. Once you’ve sufficiently invested in her false mask, she has no problem using you and your resources for her own gain. Whether it’s sex, money, a place to live, status, reputation, fame, or even just the duping delight of one-upping someone – it is all about power.
2. They are superficially charming and demonstrate exaggerated speech or gestures which lack authenticity.Much like a male narcissist or sociopath, a female narcissist or sociopath projected kindness rarely meets her eyes. She is reptilian in her demeanor and you might notice a flash of her envy, anger or greed from time to time when the mask slips. Otherwise, she is eerily calm and lacks a startle response even in situations that warrant fear or anxiety (Lykken, 1957). She might exaggerate her speech patterns, expressing more enthusiasm and joy than she actually feels. She may slip up and into a condescending and contemptuous tone of voice which may reveal her true intentions.
Yet her charm, while superficial and glib, can be just as convincing, if not more, as a male sociopath’s. This is because as a society we are conditioned to see females as the “gentler sex,” incapable of violence. Yet the violence a female sociopath can inflict can be just as psychologically destructive and dangerous as her male counterpart.
3. They sabotage you covertly.The aggression of a female narcissist or sociopath is unprecedented, yet it is carefully hidden beneath multiple layers of constructed traits that one can mistake for sincerity. Remember that narcissists and sociopaths are chameleons, adapting to social situations based on what they suspect will bode well and will best suit their hunt for victims. So, they present a very alluring and charitable image, especially to those who can benefit them. However, to those they have no use for or those who evoke their narcissistic rage and envy, they reveal more of their true selves.
Much of the female narcissists or sociopath’s manipulation is channeled through relational aggression, which involves damaging someone’s social relationships or reputation to destroy one’s sense of self. In the realm of female friendships, female narcissists especially are always looking to protect themselves against outside threats that may overtake their “Queen Bee” status in the cliques they create.
That is why they underhandedly bully their chosen victims (usually those they perceive to have something they covet) by excluding them from social groups, pitting people against them, accusing them of things they did not do, spreading rumors or gossip, slandering or smearing them and also creating rivalries among people. That way, their victims are unable to gain validation or support for the abuse they’re experiencing.
4. They demonstrate little to no remorse in harming others to get what they want – and they exhibit internalized misogyny. Whoever is in a female narcissist or sociopath’s way will pay dearly – even the ones who pose the slightest threat. The female sociopath harbors a sense of entitlement to everything and anything. They are especially threatened by other women who possess what they cannot.
Female narcissists and sociopaths exhibit internalized misogyny: they despise other women getting ahead or posing a threat to their grandiose ego.
To see another woman achieving in a way that she is unable to do, or to get the attention she feels she must have, is a threat to her very sense of self and sense of entitlement. That is why the female sociopath is notorious for belittling her more successful or attractive female friends, covertly sabotaging and bullying those she is jealous of and having affairs with men who are already in committed relationships (with their friends nonetheless!). Her life motto is “It is all about me, and if it isn’t, I must make it so.”
5. They are sadistic and enjoy inflicting pain.Female sociopaths and narcissists enjoy seeing people squirm, just for the hell of it. There is nothing they love more than to take down an innocent, good-natured person who was “naïve” enough to believe in them. That’s why they make lofty, false promises they fail to carry through – just to delight in another’s sense of disappointment and depletion. That’s why they deprive their most threatening victims of attention and affection, just to lather other, more loyal cronies with excessive praise.
That’s why they set up scenarios where they know their victims are bound to fail. That’s why they manufacture chaos out of thin air, to create a blend of crazymaking and love-bombing that leaves onlookers confused, on edge and constantly walking on eggshells.
6. They thrive off of male attention (or female attention, depending on their sexual orientation).Female sociopaths and narcissists enjoy being the center of attention because it gives them power and a harem from which they can derive endless amounts of “narcissistic supply” in the form of praise, sex, and resources. Sociopaths enjoy this because it gives them a power trip, the ability to control others at a whim and play everyone like puppets. Narcissists enjoy it because it feeds their inflated ego and gives them validation.
Female predators are not opposed to using their bodies to get what they want; they have no qualms using their appearance and sexuality to climb the corporate ladder, to take advantage of a doting boyfriend or to seduce a stranger, so long as it benefits them. They get off on the power and control – and their thirst for new victims is insatiable. They are notorious for having extramarital affairs, engaging in numerous flirtations and indiscretions and constantly surrounding themselves with admirers (everything from exes to potential replacements).
They can lie, manipulate and con their way into people’s hearts and lives, pulling the wool over your eyes quite easily while they pursue their own agenda. Yet once they are done with you and you are no longer useful, they will rarely give you the same amount of attention, respect or affection you’ve grown accustomed to. They will discard you without blinking twice. To them, you are merely an object to suit their purposes, nothing more.
The Big PictureIf you have encountered a female malignant narcissist or sociopath, take heart in the fact that their behavior is not your fault. Many have been bamboozled by these toxic types because of how convincing they are. Rather than blaming yourself, examine the ways in which you’ve been manipulated to resolve the cognitive dissonance that might arise. You may still be reeling from the discrepancy between their true self and their false self.
It’s common for survivors of narcissists or sociopaths to doubt themselves and their experiences. It’s important to close that gap by documenting what you’ve experienced, seeking validating professional support and engaging in self-care healing modalities which will enable you to rise above their malice and move forward into a future without their toxicity.
Sent by Sean Jones
23/10/18
https://blogs.psychcentral.com
with Darius Cikanavicius
Narcissists can’t deal with reality because it contradicts what they want to be true, and this creates painful emotions. As a coping mechanism, they learn to delude themselves that what is real is actually not real, and however they see the situation is real, even though it isn’t.
Sometimes they truly see it that way. Other times it’s just a story they tell themselves and others. And often the longer you tell a story, the more you believe it, even if initially you know it’s not true. And so eventually they may start truly believing it.
Either way, the first step is to create a version of events that is an alternative to what actually happened or what’s going on.
LyingWhile delusion is more of an internal process, lying and denial is often in the context of other people.
Regular people deal with their problems by themselves, internally. Or they discuss it in a very private setting: in therapy or among very close, healthy people. Narcissists don’t have people like that in their life and are not really interested in actually resolving anything or being introspective.
Narcissists simply want to know that they are in the right. For that, they need other people’s false validation to regulate their shaky self-esteem. They need to find people who would agree with them. And in order for others to agree with them, these other people either need to be terribly unhealthy and unable to recognize their toxic tendencies, or the narcissist needs to lie and present a different story than what is actually true.
Here, they tend to flip the roles where they are good, noble, caring, virtuous and the other person is evil, cruel, selfish, and immoral. Which brings us to the next point….
ProjectionThe most common way narcissists create alternative narratives is by projecting. We’ve talked about narcissistic projection in a separate article but to extract the main point, narcissists love to project.
If they say that the other person is jealous of them, then you know that the narcissist is jealous. If they say that the other person was cruel to them, then you know that the narcissist was cruel to the other person. If they say that the other person was lying and cheating, then you know they were the one lying and cheating.
Yes, sometimes it’s not as simple and there could be unhealthy behavior on both sides, but more often than not whatever the narcissist is presenting the other person as is a much more accurate description of the narcissist.
Whatever the case may be, the mechanism here is that in the narcissist’s mind they try to attribute their own unhealthy behavior, perspective, and character traits to the other person because it shifts attention and responsibility from them. And if the other person “is” all these bad things then it can’t be that I am these things—thinks the narcissist—I’m the good guy here.
Framing the storyNarcissists also like to truncate the story and present only the bit where the aggrieved party reacted to their toxic behavior, framing it as if that’s where the story started (see picture).
Or they twist it by using euphemisms and deceiving language (“I’m not controlling, I just want what’s best for you.”).
For example, if a narcissist dislikes you and tries to bully you but you stand up for yourself, they will frame it as if they are the ones being a victim of bullying. In their narrative they were just doing their thing or joking around and you started being mean to them. Meanwhile, they simply left out what happened beforehand when they bullied you, so actually you “being mean” to them is a normal response to toxic behavior.
Here, by leaving out or downplaying their aggression they simply frame you engaging in self-defense as vile aggression against them. And then they think: “How dare you react or challenge me! You’re so sensitive and unfair! That’s why you deserve everything that’s coming!”
Slander, triangulation, character assassinationThere are several ways how the narcissist employs their lies and projections, and the goal is always to turn others against you in hope that they won’t try to figure out the truth.
One of the ways to do that is triangulation. In psychology, it means controlling and manipulating communication between two parties. It is related to gossiping, smearing, and slandering, where the narcissist spreads false information around. A more extreme version of all of that is character assassination, where the lies are much more severe and damaging.
Closer analysisIf you actually examine the narcissist’s narrative, you quickly notice that they are full of crap.
For instance if you examine a narcissistic parent who tells others how you hurt them and say mean things, you quickly notice that they are the one who constantly demeans, disrespects, and manipulates the adult-child. And when the child becomes more assertive and stops giving them resources (time, money, attention), they see it as aggression because they feel entitled to those resources.
If you examine further, you notice that not only the narcissistic parent was initially disrespecting the adult-child’s boundaries, but is also retaliating further now by manipulating others into siding with them.
The same is the case in professional environments or personal relationships. The narcissistic party does something toxic, the aggrieved party reacts and stops the perpetrator or distances from them, and then the narcissist retaliates by trying to shape the social opinion into a narrative where they are the good, righteous party. Sometimes they even convince others to bully and intimidate the victim further.
These methods often rely on the victim not having a support system or being isolated. This increases the narcissist’s chances of others siding with them and not with the victim.
Summary and closing wordsNarcissists can’t accept that they may not be wonderful people. They are also incredibly fragile when facing an idea that perhaps they did something wrong, especially if others can see it. Therefore if there’s a conflict they will do anything and everything to maintain a fantasy that they are always good, all while perceiving the other party as evil.
Not only that, they need other people’s validation that their delusion is true. To achieve that, they create preposterous, slanderous, manipulative narratives where all of that is true and try to convince others of it. And since many people are unwilling and unable to look into the truth behind it, the narcissist can find that validation they so desperately crave and even act out their revenge fantasies. Often the reason is as simple as hating to see others doing well because they themselves are miserable.
As a result, sometimes people get seriously hurt: socially, financially, emotionally, or even physically. But the narcissist doesn’t care about that. In fact they are often glad, because in their narrative the victim deserves it by being “evil,” so whatever happens is justified.
Of course not everyone can see the truth when listening to the narcissist but it’s quite evident looking from the outside or if you have enough psychological insight and experience. And if you are wise and educated enough on it, you can avoid getting into these situation, minimize the damage, sever your ties with them more quickly, and protect yourself better.
Remember the following: People don’t abandon those they love, they abandon those they were using…
08/08/18
Why do narcissists discard people? Narcissists get bored very easily. Initially, they are intoxicated by the chase and the conquest of a new partner, and they are prone to magical thinking and idealization, which means they often believe all of their problems can be solved by "the right person." It has nothing to do with you or how great you are, though. Their goals are all selfish. They aren't looking for a partnership or trying to build a life with someone or anything of the sort. They are looking for a person who will do things - solely for them. This is, of course, not reasonable, or possible, or realistic in any way. No one can fix another person. Dating or marrying someone does not make a psychological disorder go away. It does not magically erase the past or turn a person into someone else. Of course, the narcissist is in total denial of any of these problems in the first place. They simply believe that the problem has always been the other person or people in their lives. Indeed, the "line" they often use to hook a new victim is baited with story after story of themselves as victims of horrible cruelty, indifference and malice at the hands of previous significant others.
When narcissists meet this "new soulmate," their hopes are very high that this new person is "The One." This is the person who will be the perfect accessory, the perfect glue to hold the narcissist together, the perfect soft place to fall, the perfect servant, the perfect reflection of how wonderful the narcissist is, the perfect fit for the narcissist's yawning empty space inside... whatever the narcissist is looking for. This person is themselves seen, at first, as perfect.
Unfortunately, no one actually is perfect, and the narcissist's expectations and goals are totally irrational and completely unreasonable, besides. When this new soulmate reveals that they are nothing more than a regular person with flaws and problems and shortcomings and -- worst of all -- needs, the narcissist often becomes disillusioned and disappointed. This person is not the perfect soulmate the narcissist thought they were, and obviously, that's because the person is a failure and a liar and a fraud. How dare you misrepresent yourself as perfect?! You tricked the narcissist! This is where the devaluation starts.
You've betrayed the narcissist by not being perfect, by being nothing but a regular human being and make no mistake about it, that is exactly how they feel: betrayed. As far as they can see it, you lied and manipulated and tricked them, so they are within their rights to tear you down about that - and everything else. And they will. You were supposed to tend and cater to every one of the narcissist's needs and wants but you didn't because you are obviously an evil, selfish, inconsiderate monster who does not care about others.
Narcissists see other people's needs -- even basic needs, as a direct threat to their own. How can such a self-centered, scheming individual be their perfect partner? Worse, you actually expect things from them!? How selfish can you possibly be?? This is not the relationship the narcissist thought it was, you are not who they thought you were, and rather than realizing that their perception of people as well as their ideas about what relationships are all totally wrong and warped beyond recognition, they blame you. You lied. You tricked them. You are a fake and a manipulator. On and on and on. Until of course, you do something that suddenly wins their admiration again (like winning an award they can vicariously receive some praise or recognition for by being associated with you). Or until they want something from you. Then the seduction campaign begins anew, until they again tire of it and decide you're a lying evil manipulator once more.
This idealization/devaluation cycle can go on for a very long time; in some instances, it goes on for years. Empaths in particular have a seemingly inexhaustible well of emotion the narcissist can sponge off of, thus keeping the narcissist engaged for quite a while. It's a match made in hell.
Narcissists don't actually want a relationship. They don't want to build anything with anybody and they do not desire to share anything. They don't want a partner. It is not a relationship when one person exists solely to cater to the other person with no needs, wants or expectations of their own. It's slavery. That's not a partner. It's a slave. More correctly, it's an object. We do not have a reciprocal relationship with objects. We use objects and we discard then replace them when they are no longer useful. This is how narcissists deal with other human beings, except that generally when we use an object, the object is not harmed by the usage. The narcissistic relationship would therefore be more parasitic than anything, because the narcissist uses other human beings to that human being's detriment. They cause harm, in other words. Like a tapeworm. No matter how much you eat when you have a tapeworm, you are still always depleted because the tapeworm is getting most of it. When the tapeworm becomes too powerful, you begin literally to starve. This is the relationship with a narcissist. They take everything and there is nothing left for you.
Some say that narcissists are intimidated by commitment, but this is really a sugar-coating of how they feel. They have a pathological phobia about it. It's life and death for them. Their existence literally depends on their needs being not just first but only. In their minds, caring about someone else's needs would be the same thing as saying their own don't matter. It would be emotional suicide. This can even lead to actual suicide. Narcissists are not just "selfish people." Their entire existence is predicated upon this point. This is why they are unable to understand that in a relationship, there are two equal partners: because to them, the only thing that matters is their own needs. The other person is simply seen as a way to get these needs met. There is really nothing more to it.
This cannot be changed and it cannot be fixed, because in order for the narcissist to change this, they would first have to understand and acknowledge that the other person's needs are equally as important as their own needs. Again, this would be the same as committing emotional suicide. They cannot do it. Their pathology initially formed out of a need to protect the narcissist against this exactthing, and it has grown to take over their entire life. Therefore, this realization is not happening.
After devaluing the partner, which can take many forms such as gaslighting, insulting, demeaning, humiliating, smear campaigning, disappearing and cutting off contact, cheating, physical abuse and much more, the narcissist will often simply discard their victim and walk away. This is usually because either:
A. The cycles (and the victim) have ultimately become so boring or pathetic or weak to the narcissist that they don't care to engage anymore
B. The victim is so burned out and emotionally bankrupt that they no longer react to the narcissist's endless provocations, which causes the narcissist to lose interest
c. The narcissist has found a new partner that isn't wise to their scam yet
Whatever the reason, victims are often left shattered and unable to understand what went wrong. Not only have they been put through the emotional wringer for no reason, they've been blamed and told that they are wrong, selfish and evil for just having feelings, needs and flaws. This can be very damaging. Narcissists put a negative connotation on everything the victim says, thinks and does, so consequently victims are left with the idea that even having normal feelings or engaging in normal, every-day activities is selfish and somehow abusive or wrong. Add to this the fact that the narcissist simply up and left, essentially abandoning the victim, and this leaves people in a very fragile state.
Which is of course, exactly where the narcissist wants them.
People who are in this state will be receptive should the narcissist need to come back if their new perfect victim does not work out. People often feel they've "won" in this situation if the narcissist returns, but in reality, the narcissist has come back only because they know their manipulations and fraudulent claims will be successful. This is not a prize you want to win.
People who are discarded feel very hurt and abandoned. You can help yourself by really trying to understand and realize that truthfully, you've have lost nothing but your own illusions. The person you fell in love with literally -- literally -- does not exist. They are not real, like being in love with a character from a TV show or a movie. This is painful but it should also be liberating, because it means you did nothing wrong, and because nothing was truly lost except for possibly time. There's nothing wrong with you. There's something very, very wrong with them. No matter what, narcissists are stuck with the person they truly hate the most: themselves. That is the worst punishment possible. This sounds trite and unsatisfying, but rest assured, it is not. These people are absolutely eaten up with pathological, delusional self-hatred. It's a painful cancer within them. They are not getting away with anything. They are miserable, envious people who will never know peace or happiness on any scale. This is not just lip service, either. It is the absolute truth. These are not happy people and they never will be. In many ways, narcissists suffer more than any person even should, to be perfectly honest. They're not suffering on their victims' behalf, but does that really matter if you've gotten away?
There are cases where the narcissist does not leave. These are usually relationships that seem to stay in the devaluation (abusive) part of the cycle most of the time, and the narcissist's reason for staying often seems to be to have a person to blame and/or abuse. It often seems to be either a constant power struggle, where the narcissist does not get bored because they have not conquered and defeated the partner yet, or a situation where the narcissist has so completely dominated and conquered the partner that they can now do whatever they want and the partner will put up with it with no question or comment. This person has usually ceased to be a person at all, for all intents and purposes, and is simply an accessory in the narcissist's life that does not cause trouble or problems in the narcissist's wholehearted pursuit of any- and everything they want.
https://pairedlife.com/problems/Discarded-by-The-Narcissist
29/05/2018
From Dianne
Posted for her.
I actually prefer not to comment on here but after getting sent a copy of his experience and accomplishments as touted on the website of the company he is now employed by i got so bloody angry i am going to.
It states, “ he is experienced in working with young people who have emotional and learning disabilities”. What a load of crap!!. The only experience he has in that field is that when he moved in with me and the family in Jan 2009, i was carer for my grandsons who were 9 and 10 at the time. They had been in my care for 3 years, both had suffered physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of their mother and her family, my oldest son was their father but had no contact with then since they were born, thats the way their mother and her family wanted it, i was asked if i would take them when they were removed from her and i agreed, resigned my job in Melbourne and came back to Brisbane , it didnt take long to find a position where they knew about the boys and were supportive, they both attended school classes for children with learning disabilities, i worked full time, they went to before and after school care with the pcyc, i took them into work with me if i had to work weekends where they helped out and loved it, the manager even put them on the payroll and actually gave them a small pay packet every month, i took them to their sessions with their therapists, meetings with child safety, family helped out , we had a good life with a working system backed up by the dept child safety. Then he comes in, both the boys took to him straight away, they came to love him and damn near worshiped the ground he walked on, they called him “ Dad. When he started working in 2010 he would take them with him on weekend jobs sometimes , let them help him out at home in the workshop. He would go to the therapy sessions with us and to the meetings at the school and family services, was so supportive and came across as really caring about them, so much so that the dept family services, the school head master, their teachers and even their therapist gave glowing letters of recommendation to the immigration dept when he applied for a bridging spousal visa, stating that if he had to leave the country the boys would suffer emotionally, i still have copies of them all, so on that basis he was granted a temporary visa, then after we got married, suddenly it all changed , he stopped being the supportive father figure, said it was to emotionally draining for him, that they needed professional trained help that he could not give and the oldest one at 12 years old was given back to the care of the child services with us having him home on some weekends, then after he was given his PERMANENT spousal visa in Jan 2012 he stated he could not control the second grandson who was then also 12, that it was so stressful it was affecting our relationship? and he was given back to the care of child safety, he kept running away from the foster home and lived on the streets or came home to us and we would have to take him back.
So that is the EXPERIENCE he has had with young people with emotional and learning disabilities, no official qualifications, no degrees, and no bloody constructive experience at all other than what he has made up and i am stunned that no one has even bothered to check it out but takes his word for it. I know first hand the damage people like him can do to those young people and am still living with the fallout. A 19 year old who is on a disability pension and lives on the streets who drops in to see me every couple of months to get a decent meal and clean clothes and a 18 year old who is in jail for armed robbery. All the social workers, therapists and psychiatrists i have spoken to agree that yes there were problems with them when they were younger, problems that were made worse by the emotional manipulation and lies that Kingsley used on them to get what he wanted.
As for the rest of his so called qualifications and experience?, .
Just finished reading his rap sheet of achievements on the website of the company he is working for. What a load of BS, he seems to have omitted several companies he has worked for and left under not very amicable circumstances. Also that Roton in the UK went bankrupt and left a lot of people in debt and not just because Rover was having problems. Has anyone actually bothered to check out all his so called references from overseas? He has none on his CV from here in Australia. .
“ With over 25 years as a multi-disciplined engineer and over 6 years as a trainer , assessor and course material .Kingsley has extensive experience working with learning and behavioral issues, especially in the mechanical engineering and steel fabrication space. “ .
“ his educational bias leans on this industrial base as a commissioning engineer as well as large multi million dollar projects manager. “
Anyone bother to check this out with the overseas companies??. The only project he managed was in Qatar and it went bankrupt caused by his incompetence .Still have the paperwork and documents on it on file.
“ He also owned and ran Roton Engine Developments, a company in the UK that developed high performance race parts directly to the car manufacturers for their domestic race programs.”
Really??? Roton never got to the point of actually making and selling parts.
“ With engine development work undertaken for Sam Warren of SR Off Road. Who subsequently won the 2006 Super-Motard UK championship. “
From what i was told it was the other way around, Sam Warren helped him with his designs and only ONE engine was built and tested on a dyno, it was NEVER produced or used commercially and he had no part in his winning the 2006 championship..
“ He has had a patent granted worldwide for a novel rotary valve cylinder head “
True enough but he left out the part that says when Roton went bust the rights to the patent and the company were given to an american who had invested in it. Kingsley has no rights to any of it. As for Roton going broke because Rover pulled out as they were having financial problems, , nice cover story but not true. Rover pulled out because it was not viable or profitable.
And he has also left out his company here in Aust , Engine Developments Australia where he is trying to resurrect the same rotary engine but with a few minor differences so as not to infringe on the original patents and he conned someone into doing all the design work for him.
You have to wonder if anyone has actually checked out his past employment history… I know of 6 companies he has worked for in Australia between 2010 and 2017 for periods of a few months to over a year that he has made no mention of in his CV and has no references from any of them and from what they told me they wouldn’t give him a reference. , Its all old overseas employment with companies that he has written references from, has anyone actually personally contacted these referees to verify them. Taking his word and some old written references is asking for trouble.
What a load of bollocks. I have spoken to people involved in all the so called experience and qualifications in the various places he worked overseas, GK,the staff from the company in Qatar, Roton, the company in Ireland, different people who know all about the mechanical workshop he set up in Wales that went bankrupt and strangely they all have a different story to him and a different opinion of him that he states. Don’t forget i had and still have all his contacts and the documents from these companies , most of whom i got to know through emails, talking on skype , phone calls etc and met in person as i was the one doing all the computer and office work for him and most of them contacted me with different stories when all this kicked off , they were shocked at what he had done but not surprised , this included members of his own family and other people who knew him in the UK, because they knew what he was really like and felt he was just using me as he has used people all his life. As for the photo of him, ?? Jeesus, he looks old, going bald and his hair is grey, a bit wrinkled, not the good looking happy caring loving man i fell in love with , believed in and was so proud of. No confidence at all shows on that face. Just looks pathetic and beaten. I guess what they say about narcissists is true, when they get old, lose their looks and charm they have have nothing to manipulate people with, the truth shows through as to who and what they really are. If he is still with that fat cow then she is welcome to that hollow excuse for a man she got and he is welcome to her from what i have found out. The funny thing is, if he had been real and not the fake manipulating lying user he was i would have continued to love and support him regardless of how old and pathetic he got or if he accomplished anything or not with his engine. .
11/05/18
Sent by Marian, well worth reading.
Jess.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A NARCISSIST DISCARDS YOU??
https://pairedlife.com/problems/Discarded-by-The-Narcissist
We talk a lot about leaving the narcissist before they can discard you, and this should be done if at all possible. Sometimes it isn't possible though, and discarded partners are often left devastated, both financially and emotionally.
The WhyWhy do narcissists discard people? Narcissists get bored very easily. Initially, they are intoxicated by the chase and the conquest of a new partner, and they are prone to magical thinking and idealization, which means they often believe all of their problems can be solved by "the right person." It has nothing to do with you or how great you are, though. Their goals are all selfish. They aren't looking for a partnership or trying to build a life with someone or anything of the sort. They are looking for a person who will do things - solely for them. This is, of course, not reasonable, or possible, or realistic in any way. No one can fix another person. Dating or marrying someone does not make a psychological disorder go away. It does not magically erase the past or turn a person into someone else. Of course, the narcissist is in total denial of any of these problems in the first place. They simply believe that the problem has always been the other person or people in their lives. Indeed, the "line" they often use to hook a new victim is baited with story after story of themselves as victims of horrible cruelty, indifference and malice at the hands of previous significant others.
Idealization & DevaluationWhen narcissists meet this "new soulmate," their hopes are very high that this new person is "The One." This is the person who will be the perfect accessory, the perfect glue to hold the narcissist together, the perfect soft place to fall, the perfect servant, the perfect reflection of how wonderful the narcissist is, the perfect fit for the narcissist's yawning empty space inside... whatever the narcissist is looking for. This person is themselves seen, at first, as perfect.
Unfortunately, no one actually is perfect, and the narcissist's expectations and goals are totally irrational and completely unreasonable, besides. When this new soulmate reveals that they are nothing more than a regular person with flaws and problems and shortcomings and -- worst of all -- needs, the narcissist often becomes disillusioned and disappointed. This person is not the perfect soulmate the narcissist thought they were, and obviously, that's because the person is a failure and a liar and a fraud. How dare you misrepresent yourself as perfect?! You tricked the narcissist! This is where the devaluation starts.
You've betrayed the narcissist by not being perfect, by being nothing but a regular human being and make no mistake about it, that is exactly how they feel: betrayed. As far as they can see it, you lied and manipulated and tricked them, so they are within their rights to tear you down about that - and everything else. And they will. You were supposed to tend and cater to every one of the narcissist's needs and wants but you didn't because you are obviously an evil, selfish, inconsiderate monster who does not care about others.
Narcissists see other people's needs -- even basic needs, as a direct threat to their own. How can such a self-centered, scheming individual be their perfect partner? Worse, you actually expect things from them!? How selfish can you possibly be?? This is not the relationship the narcissist thought it was, you are not who they thought you were, and rather than realizing that their perception of people as well as their ideas about what relationships are all totally wrong and warped beyond recognition, they blame you. You lied. You tricked them. You are a fake and a manipulator. On and on and on. Until of course, you do something that suddenly wins their admiration again (like winning an award they can vicariously receive some praise or recognition for by being associated with you). Or until they want something from you. Then the seduction campaign begins anew, until they again tire of it and decide you're a lying evil manipulator once more.
This idealization/devaluation cycle can go on for a very long time; in some instances, it goes on for years. Empaths in particular have a seemingly inexhaustible well of emotion the narcissist can sponge off of, thus keeping the narcissist engaged for quite a while. It's a match made in hell.
The TruthNarcissists don't actually want a relationship. They don't want to build anything with anybody and they do not desire to share anything. They don't want a partner. It is not a relationship when one person exists solely to cater to the other person with no needs, wants or expectations of their own. It's slavery. That's not a partner. It's a slave. More correctly, it's an object. We do not have a reciprocal relationship with objects. We use objects and we discard then replace them when they are no longer useful. This is how narcissists deal with other human beings, except that generally when we use an object, the object is not harmed by the usage. The narcissistic relationship would therefore be more parasitic than anything, because the narcissist uses other human beings to that human being's detriment. They cause harm, in other words. Like a tapeworm. No matter how much you eat when you have a tapeworm, you are still always depleted because the tapeworm is getting most of it. When the tapeworm becomes too powerful, you begin literally to starve. This is the relationship with a narcissist. They take everything and there is nothing left for you.
Some say that narcissists are intimidated by commitment, but this is really a sugar-coating of how they feel. They have a pathological phobia about it. It's life and death for them. Their existence literally depends on their needs being not just first but only. In their minds, caring about someone else's needs would be the same thing as saying their own don't matter. It would be emotional suicide. This can even lead to actual suicide. Narcissists are not just "selfish people." Their entire existence is predicated upon this point. This is why they are unable to understand that in a relationship, there are two equal partners: because to them, the only thing that matters is their own needs. The other person is simply seen as a way to get these needs met. There is really nothing more to it.
This cannot be changed and it cannot be fixed, because in order for the narcissist to change this, they would first have to understand and acknowledge that the other person's needs are equally as important as their own needs. Again, this would be the same as committing emotional suicide. They cannot do it. Their pathology initially formed out of a need to protect the narcissist against this exactthing, and it has grown to take over their entire life. Therefore, this realization is not happening.
DiscardingAfter devaluing the partner, which can take many forms such as gaslighting, insulting, demeaning, humiliating, smear campaigning, disappearing and cutting off contact, cheating, physical abuse and much more, the narcissist will often simply discard their victim and walk away. This is usually because either:
A. The cycles (and the victim) have ultimately become so boring or pathetic or weak to the narcissist that they don't care to engage anymore
B. The victim is so burned out and emotionally bankrupt that they no longer react to the narcissist's endless provocations, which causes the narcissist to lose interest
c. The narcissist has found a new partner that isn't wise to their scam yet
Whatever the reason, victims are often left shattered and unable to understand what went wrong. Not only have they been put through the emotional wringer for no reason, they've been blamed and told that they are wrong, selfish and evil for just having feelings, needs and flaws. This can be very damaging. Narcissists put a negative connotation on everything the victim says, thinks and does, so consequently victims are left with the idea that even having normal feelings or engaging in normal, every-day activities is selfish and somehow abusive or wrong. Add to this the fact that the narcissist simply up and left, essentially abandoning the victim, and this leaves people in a very fragile state.
Which is of course, exactly where the narcissist wants them.
People who are in this state will be receptive should the narcissist need to come back if their new perfect victim does not work out. People often feel they've "won" in this situation if the narcissist returns, but in reality, the narcissist has come back only because they know their manipulations and fraudulent claims will be successful. This is not a prize you want to win.
ConclusionPeople who are discarded feel very hurt and abandoned. You can help yourself by really trying to understand and realize that truthfully, you've have lost nothing but your own illusions. The person you fell in love with literally -- literally -- does not exist. They are not real, like being in love with a character from a TV show or a movie. This is painful but it should also be liberating, because it means you did nothing wrong, and because nothing was truly lost except for possibly time. There's nothing wrong with you. There's something very, very wrong with them. No matter what, narcissists are stuck with the person they truly hate the most: themselves. That is the worst punishment possible. This sounds trite and unsatisfying, but rest assured, it is not. These people are absolutely eaten up with pathological, delusional self-hatred. It's a painful cancer within them. They are not getting away with anything. They are miserable, envious people who will never know peace or happiness on any scale. This is not just lip service, either. It is the absolute truth. These are not happy people and they never will be. In many ways, narcissists suffer more than any person even should, to be perfectly honest. They're not suffering on their victims' behalf, but does that really matter if you've gotten away?
When The Narcissist Doesn't DiscardThere are cases where the narcissist does not leave. These are usually relationships that seem to stay in the devaluation (abusive) part of the cycle most of the time, and the narcissist's reason for staying often seems to be to have a person to blame and/or abuse. It often seems to be either a constant power struggle, where the narcissist does not get bored because they have not conquered and defeated the partner yet, or a situation where the narcissist has socompletely dominated and conquered the partner that they can now do whatever they want and the partner will put up with it with no question or comment. This person has usually ceased to be a person at all, for all intents and purposes, and is simply an accessory in the narcissist's life that does not cause trouble or problems in the narcissist's wholehearted pursuit of any- and everything they want.
From Marian. 16/02/18
16/ 01/ 15
I just got so tired and confused. Tired of the same pointless conversations that went around and around in circles. There was never any resolutions or meaningful discussions really. Just the same words rearranged in different ways. Yes, i love you and only you and will forever, yes, it's killing me that i'm hurting you, yes, i need you to trust me and wait for me, if i don't have that to hang on to then i won't survive, No, you can't stay with me on the weekends, i need my solitude where i can sit and think alone, and my own place where nothing reminds me of what i'm doing to you, it's better if i come to you. No, i still can't help you out financially, i'm barely making ends meet, it will get better soon. Yes, i'm going to a shrink to get help . No, i can't tell you who, it's my problem, i need to sort this out myself. No, marriage counselling wont help, its not our marriage , it's just me. I was left feeling more confused when i tried to get him to talk about his problems or tried to help him. I was left feeling empty and useless and full of guilt that this man i loved was suffering and i didnt know how to help him. The only thing that ever came out of those confusing word merry-go-rounds was that i was somehow at fault , was making it worse, because i was pushing him. For over a year this went on, me being there for him, giving him emotional support and helping him financially, him saying how sorry he was for putting me through this, how much he loved me, asking for forgiveness, asking me to trust him . Then came the most heartbreaking cry of all. I can't live without you, i need you, i can't go on, i want to die, die with me and we will be together forever. So i agreed to stop the torment we were both in, i survived and found out he had no intention of dying then or in the future, but he wanted me to so that his future did not include me but someone else. That he lied about everything, and the worst lie was the lie of omission , that he was living with that fat , pathetic cow, had been for months, was very well off financially ,had been cheating and screwing her for months before he left and lying about all the nights and weekends he had to work. Then to find out from a stranger that he had filed for divorce when i was in the hospital and kept it a secret by lying that he did not know where i was to have the papers served on me, hoping it would be granted in my absence before i found out. I realised that the only emotional problem he had, the only thing that he was confused about, was how to get rid of me the quickest and easiest way possible. Then i thought about what he told me when i asked why he let his first wife divorce him for desertion after he told me all the cruel terrible things she did to him and his reason ? He walked away and left everything to her because he just wanted out without any more drama and he was scared of her because of the physical violence she subjected him to.
So i checked it out and found out that he was working in Qatar when we met but still going back to the Uk and living with her. So he was cheating on her , having an affair with a married woman in Qatar ,a woman in the Uk who owned a pet store ,and lying to his wife , and he was having a relationship with me. What you find out by asking the right people was a bit of a shock. He sure did leave her with everything, house, car etc but what he forgot to mention was that they were in such a financial mess because of him, he went to Qatar looking for work because he couldn't get a job in the UK because of his reputation. He left her with the financial mess to sort out, the bank foreclosed on the house and the bailiffs took everything else. She legally changed her name, first, middle and last to distance herself from the stigma of being associated with him and to try to forget he ever existed.
That the reason he gave for putting off getting married was not as he said, “ to give me time to make sure it was what i wanted” was really because he was still married. It was easy for him to get away with all the lies , she was in the Uk, he was in Qatar and i was in Australia.. Then when i paid his air fares to come here why he refused to give her his address here when she emailed him, not because as he said , he wanted nothing to do with her and was scared she would come here looking for him but because he didn't want the truth to come out. . Then the trip we took to the UK, that i paid for, was not for the business reasons he said but to sign the papers agreeing to the divorce. Suddenly it all became clear, i was well and truly set up ,played and disposed of, he got everything he wanted, his permanent spousal visa, his TAFE courses paid for, his bikes, 10s of thousands of dollars in tools and equipment, The money to start up his own company to develop that bloody engine of his and a year after we got married he starts screwing that bitch and then a few months later he was gone with his “ im confused” excuse..
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30/01/18
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
dmason@gmail.com
Hello,
I have some information i would like to share. I have found it very useful and hope you do as well. I have read your site and so much of it true . Please keep it going as im sure it has been of benefit to many people and will be for many more. Showing the world what a person is really like underneath all the lies is not a vindictive thing to do but a warning for them to be careful around that person.
Thank you
Delma Mason
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2017/03/10-unbelievable-behaviors-of-the-narcissist/
Do you know what narcissistic personality disorder is? Would you be able to spot it if you had to? For most people, their belief is that narcissism is “easy” to spot because laymen and pop psychology characterize narcissism as selfish ambition, arrogance, cockiness, inconsiderate of others, and a strong desire to be at the “top of the game.”
But narcissism is truly difficult to spot in everyday life because some of the kindest and nicest people could be a narcissist hiding under a facade. Narcissism doesn’t always shine through the moment you meet someone. In fact, narcissism may not fully bloom until you’ve married the person, accepted a job from a company led by a narcissist, or after many years of knowing the person. In reality, narcissistic personality traits are often hidden by the person’s ability to “act” ways they know other people like.
Although you are probably familiar with the millions of articles already written on this topic, this article will highlight the most dangerous narcissistic traits you should avoid in your life.
Did you know that narcissistic personality disorder could co-occur with other disorders?
For example, someone diagnosed with a personality disorder (narcissistic personality disorder) could also be diagnosed with depression and anxiety (because of incorrect perceptions of self, lack of confidence, incompetence, or a fear of being found out). In other words, the narcissistic person could very well become depressed and anxious in the event their competence or knowledge (or social charm and astuteness) is challenged by someone else. Many narcissists set out to harass, compete, or defeat others when they believe others may show them up, do better than them, or receive more attention than them.
The narcissist is often an adult with an inability to maturely share their ideas, talents, or strengths with other people. Their main goal is to be the center of attention, to be better, to compete, and to achieve, even if that means the truly talented or competent person is destroyed. Sadly, because of this incorrect perception of self and life in general, the narcissist will go to any length to ensure they are not overshadowed or forgotten which can result in trouble for an innocent person on the other end. A loss of employment, stolen ideas, stolen property or funds, belittlement, destruction, etc. are the consequences of being in the life of a narcissist.
As a result of the narcissist’s weak ego, incompetence, and skewed perception of self, you’ll want to know how to spot them and cope with them. Below I have listed a few traits of the narcissist. I have seen my fair share of narcissists so my best advice to you (if you come across a narcissist), is to avoid them at all costs because they:
- Will try to compete with you in any form: Narcissists are well known for their fragile egos, self-centered worldview, and lack of perspective. The moment you try to be yourself, improve yourself, or advance in some form the narcissist will try to belittle you, reduce you, or minimize you. Why? Because the best defense for the fragile person is to make others appear smaller than them, less than them, or unintelligent. My experience with narcissists is that they lack the ability to show empathy (i.e., the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes) which creates a variety of challenges in multiple relationships. If you have a supervisor like this, they will likely belittle you, use you, or manipulate you. If this is your parent, you will likely be treated poorly and possibly worse than your siblings. If it is your spouse, you may find your significant other trying to control you.
- Will see their interactions with you as a game: Narcissists are weak. They have no real substance and because of this, they are more likely to play the social game much more than other people or people who are genuine and confident. You most likely have seen this type of narcissist. They appear so very friendly to everyone and may use their unfortunate circumstances to gain social prestige, attention, or compassion. Once they receive this and have everyone fooled, they turn on those who truly know them and would rather stay miles away from them. What has always disturbed me about a narcissist who plays the social game is that they are skilled at tricking people and deceiving them. They may even go so far as to target your positive reputation to cause others to look to them in some fashion.
- Will be passive-aggressive or aggressive in communication: Narcissists are immature and often behave as if they have the mental age of a teenager. In some cases, you may meet some narcissists who truly seem empathetic, compassionate, friendly, and honest only to later find out that they were “playing the social game.” It is very likely that a narcissist will engage in passive-aggressive behavior which often includes: pouting or having an attitude over something minor, taking stabs at you or picking a fight, ignoring you and acting like a “mean girl” from high-school, creating tension when there doesn’t need to be tension, and attempting to control your emotions by switching up on you in their behaviors.
- Will never give you peace: Some narcissists are so vulnerable and weak psychologically and emotionally that they will keep a disagreement or argument going for days, months, and maybe even years. They are incapable of interacting with others in a mature fashion. Their age, job title, degree or certification, family-life, etc. doesn’t mean a thing to them and doesn’t have the slightest bit of influence on their behaviors once they are triggered. The narcissist, once they are angered, is very difficult to apologize to or ask for forgiveness from. They hold grudges, create tension and anxiety, and struggle to let things go.
- Will express their 5-year-old ego when they are challenged: Again, the narcissist is emotionally and psychologically immature. Your best line of defense with a narcissist who presents to everyone as a 5-year-old child is to ignore it as much as you can. Try your best to placate their ego by complimenting them or staying out of the way.
- Will cause unnecessary drama: The narcissist almost thrives on drama. Drama gets attention off of them and allows them to express their “immature social skills.” For example, a narcissist may get involved in gossip or a situation that doesn’t involve them at all and will seem to make things worse. Narcissists are rarely peacemakers.
- Will form cliques all around you: Narcissists need to feel powerful and empowered. The best way for them to feel empowered or powerful is to create a group of people who believe in them, are afraid of them, or look up to them in some way. Their cliques allow them to maintain some kind of positive reputation and when things go wrong in the narcissist’s life, those in the clique will run to the rescue. These people should not be called “cliques” but rather “blind servants.”
- Will use their social and emotional intelligence to gain notoriety: Although we all use social media to reach out to those we want to help, support, or learn from, the narcissist will find some way of making themselves look better than anymore else. This narcissist may embellish their accomplishments, brag, or seem very unauthentic.
- Will behave immaturely: Narcissistic individuals struggle to be mature, especially when maturity is necessary. For example, the narcissistic personality will struggle, in the workplace or in public, to let things “slide” or leave things alone. Most narcissistic personalities go the extra mile to make trouble, get revenge, or be vindictive. It is almost as if the narcissist feels empowered by the effort they put into making life miserable, unbearable, or uncomfortable for everyone else. Don’t be deceived. If you go wrong with the narcissist, you will be next.
- Will pull in other people who are vulnerable to them to conquer and divide: Have you ever seen cliques where if one person is angry with someone, everyone else involved in the clique will be angry with the person too? You will likely see this kind of behavior in office settings, very small neighborhoods or rural areas, and in certain professions.
Consider the synonyms for pervert…
Distort.
Corrupt.
Subvert.
Twist.
Bend.
Abuse.
Misapply.
Misuse.
Misrepresent.
Misinterpret.
Falsify.
The Narcissist does everyone of these things and more..
They have played so loosely with the truth and reality for so long that there is no going back for them.
Everything and everyone who is good and honest is bad …..
And everything and everyone that is bad is good in their twisted world.
Good and honest people are to be used, abused and manipulated .
Bad and dishonest people are to be played to feed their greed and then set up to take the fall.
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22/01/18
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
marian.lfoote.nav@aol.com
Good morning Jess.
As the conversation appears to be concentrating on Narcissist behaviour this article might be of help in answering some of the questions.
Best to you and yours.
Marian.
To blend in with society the narcissist needs to look good from the outside. The need to portray the appearance of being a decent person. Many people are fooled on first encountering a narcissist, being seduced by their charm and caring attitude. But the longer you know a narcissist the more apparent their unacceptable behaviour, lies and manipulating becomes.
Narcissists can be difficult people to deal with. Their minds are limited in a way that prevents them from truly looking outside themselves, and their worlds are limited entirely to the internal while excluding the external. There are many circumstances that could have caused someone to develop into a narcissistic personality, and many forms of narcissism, but there are also a few basic practices that you can implement when dealing with just about any narcissist.
Before you start tossing the word around, you need to remember that a lot of people have some narcissistic tendencies but aren't necessarily narcissists. By learning what makes a narcissist you'll be able to better avoid them and deal with the ones already in your life.
A narcissist lacks empathy. This is the big indicator that someone is more than simply self-obsessed. A narcissist simply cannot understand another person's point of view and cannot feel what other people feel, which means that they act only to help themselves. For example: someone at work gets a big promotion; instead of congratulating that person, the narcissist has to turn the spotlight back onto themselves, by talking about why they should have gotten the promotion instead, or simply about something really good that happened to them.[1]
A narcissist also has little or no insight into their own actions. They need to be constantly admired and feel entitled to the best treatment and to unquestioning compliance from everyone in their life.
To know whether or not you are dealing with a narcissist, ask yourself a series of questions. Does the suspected narcissist behave as though the world revolves around them? Do they need to be complimented before giving you their attention? If you disagree with them, do they attempt to shut you down? Are your own feelings minimized? Are your conversations always redirected so they become about the narcissist? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," you are dealing with a narcissist.
If you are in need of someone who can provide mutual support and understanding, it is best to limit the time you spend with the narcissist in favor of others who can provide you with more of what you need. You need to make sure that you're not harming yourself by staying in contact with the narcissist. This is especially true if you have a close relationship with them (such as that of spouse, or parent), because your time will be more taken up by them.
If you find yourself exhausted by their neediness (they need constant validation, praise, attention, and unwavering patience), then you need to rethink your relationship with them. If you are being abused by them (manipulated, constantly talked down to, treated like you have no value) you need to get out immediately, because they are dangerous for your health.
If this person is truly important to you you will need to accept his or her narcissism. Stop asking or demanding support or attention from the narcissist that he or she is unable to provide. For example, if you know that someone you think of as a friend is a narcissist, don't keep trying to bring up your own troubles with them , because they simply will not be able to empathize and will quickly turn the conversation back to themself. Which is why the narcissist cannot keep friends. We need friends who empathise with us not belittle our feelings.
Ideally, self-worth is built from the inside rather than being dependent on outside support, but for many, self-worth grows stronger when others affirm their existence by valuing them as individuals. Do not go to a narcissist when looking for this type of support, though, since a narcissist will not be able to provide it.
Understand that even if you confide in that person, he or she will be unable to truly value the weight of what you've shared. They may, in fact, use this knowledge as means to manipulate you, so be careful what you tell a narcissist.
Remember that the narcissist's motto is "Me first." When dealing with them you will have to operate under their motto.
Having compassion for them might be easier said than done, but remember: in spite of all the supposed self-confidence the narcissist displays, deep down, there is a severe lack of true confidence that requires the constant approval of others to subdue. Moreover, the narcissist does not have a full life because he or she shuts down a wide range of emotion.
This doesn't mean letting them do whatever they want with you, the narcissist is a human being who has been turned into somebody who can't connect with other people. This often happens as a result of narcissistic parents.
Also remember that narcissists have no understanding of unconditional love. Everything they do comes under the purpose of how it best serves them, which is a terribly lonely way to live, these negative behaviors are projections of their own self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. You cant change them, trying to do so will only cause more damage to you. If you have to be in constant contact with a narcissist, then accept them as they are but never give in to their demands or totally sever all contact.
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franklin_jess@yahoo.com
liz.norwood64@hotmail.com
15/01/18
Hi,
I thought this might be of interest.
Thanks Liz.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) affects both males and females alike, it is a fallacy to think that narcissistic traits belong only to the male population of society. Such an error in thinking is dangerous in that it denies the harm that women can do to their victims; female narcissists render their victims to just as much pain, humiliation, chaos and destruction as that wielded out by their male counterparts.
American statistics would show that more men present with narcissistic traits then women, however the most up-to-date
research also shows that there is a marked shift in the numbers of women presenting with narcissistic behaviors. In my own practice, working with victims of narcissistic abuse, I have found the ratio of male and female narcissistic abuse to be more in the region of about 50/50. What I have also found when listening to the victims is that narcissistic men and narcissistic women often employ different behaviours in order to achieve the same aim.
According to most experts, narcissism would seem to be related to a failure in empathic responding, usually by a mother, towards her child, and this seems to result equally in both males and females developing a deficient internalized structure of self as adults, which is acted out in different ways of behaviour (which seem to be related to gender differences).
I suspect that the reason for the difference between male and female behaviours may well be related to social structuring between the genders, and this creates a need for male and female narcissists to develop different psychological strategies to compensate for their deficiencies. For example, social western norms tend to accept dominance in males as
“macho”, and therefore very acceptable, while dominance in female behaviour is decisively regarded as a “no no”, and therefore unacceptable by society at large. For that reason, narcissistic females (when in the public eye) are inclined to conform to the pressures of social constraints. Society likes to think that all women are sweet, caring, kind, nurturing good-mother’s etc, unfortunately they are not, at least not when they suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder. For that reason I believe that narcissistic women are more likely to behave in a more subtle and indirect fashion than male narcissists do because society expect them to be “nice”, and they conform to cultural stereotypes, gender roles and social expectations. For that reason alone they are less likely to be recognized as narcissists by society at large. In short, you could say that females are forced to hide their less appealing narcissistic aspects because of gender expectations within society.
It is a common misperception that male narcissists are more aggressive in general than female narcissists. In fact, both sexes are equally narcissistically aggressive, but it is displayed differently. From a descriptive analyses approach,
the male narcissist is seen to be “overtly aggressive”. That means that he acts out physically violent interactions, (such as hitting, yelling, threatening body shaping etc), whereas, the female narcissists are more likely to use “relational aggression” (RA). Distinct from male physical aggression (where acts are meant to harm another person’s physical well being), female relational aggression is a covert means of harming others through damage of social relationships. This is likely to be acted out through emotional violence, (i.e. manipulation, threats, purposefully silent treatment, spreading rumors, telling others not to engage with someone, talking about their victims to others etc). This behaviour harms others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion.
This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere. Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships. This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school,
workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.
Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression. Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain. Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing. The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.
Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end.
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
marian.lfoote.nav@aol.com
10/01/18
Hi Jess,
After reading your post in reply to mine i thought this article might be worth sharing. Does it remind you of anyone.? I don't think many people realise that you were in touch with him for several months so saw this unfold on both sides and i am sure he hasn't said anything about it, so it's good that you finally filled in that piece of the puzzle. I can understand how you felt when you realised that your efforts to help and support them in trying to sort things out was nothing more than him manipulation and lying to you. You were doing the right thing for the right reason at the time, it's not your fault that he wasn't..
I realise that your on the way back home and to work and will be snowed under so no great hurry. Drop me a line when you get time.
Best wishes to you and family.
Marian.
SEPARATING THE NARCISSISTS DELUSIONS FROM REALITY
By Sarah Newman, MA
If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you’ve probably experienced the sharp shock when you noticed the world wasn’t exactly the way the narcissist wanted you to think it is.
A narcissist can be a great storyteller. They captivate you with tales of personal triumphs, heroism, even selflessness. But it’s when you look behind the curtain that you discover they’ve rewritten history. Not only are they living in a fantasy, you believed all their self-mythology.
Narcissists are overly occupied with themselves. They exaggerate their achievements and use clever tactics to make themselves feel superior. Ever entitled, they manipulate and exploit others, then rationalize their actions to shirk responsibility or blame. If a narcissist isn’t currently being praised, they are planning or waiting for the next moment when they will be praised.
You may imagine a person like that wouldn’t have anything good to say about themselves. What could they possibly regale you with if they spend the vast majority of their time treating other people like chess pieces? That’s where storytelling comes in. They tell you about how they helped a coworker in need, leaving out the part where they made that coworker pay for it time and again.
The narcissist has to be adept at recognizing right and wrong. If they played the bad role in a situation, they have to tweak it to make it seem as though they were in the right. When someone hangs up on them because they criticized that person’s parenting ability, the narcissist tells that story differently to others. “I offered her some advice and she went off on me. That’s the thanks I get for always helping her out? She’s too sensitive.”
In this rewritten version of history, the narcissist is the one waiting for an apology — not the other way around. This is why in the case of extreme narcissism, the narcissist may be very isolated.
We have to imagine the other perspective, if we want to grasp reality. Here are a few examples:
- THE NARCISSIST WHO ADORES THEIR CHILDREN.
- The other side of this is that their offspring never received any praise. What you believe to be parental pride is actually just bragging. They’ve got the best kids. Meanwhile their children have no idea that their parent tells anyone anything about their achievements. In fact, the narcissist may show disinterest or downright disrespect for their children.
- It’s important to note here whether the narcissist’s adult children are in his or her life. If they’re nowhere to be seen, something is fishy with the narrative you’ve been told.
- THE NARCISSIST WHO HAS BEEN BURNED BY OTHERS.
- They may tell you tales of rejection and heartache, but their ex may be someone who was pushed to the brink. For instance, a narcissist who cheated on his wife for a decade divorces her. He remains friendly with her, accepting her persisting praise and devotion while she hopes they will reconcile, until she begins dating again, at which point the narcissist feels abandoned. He wanted the ex to remain hung up on him and certainly didn’t want her to find someone new first.
- Obviously, when you look at the whole story, it’s the ex who has every right to hard feelings. So the narcissist does some editing: “I wanted her back. Anyone could see that. In the end she actually left me!”
- THE BENEFACTOR NARCISSIST.
- This one gives a lot of money and time to others, whether that means to charity or personal acquaintances. But they’ve never given anything without the whole world knowing about it. They aren’t altruistic, so they can’t accept making a sacrifice without praise. If they gave to charity, everyone in their social circle would know exactly how much and when.
- If they gave money to a friend or family member, the part of the story you’ll never hear is how that person become beholden to them. They may have taken on the role of personal assistant, doing every little task the narcissist asked of them. The narcissist may make the other person agree with everything they say, bolstering the narcissist’s confidence and belittling the recipient. If the recipient fails to praise the narcissist, they will be cut off.
- THE VICTIMIZED EMPLOYEE
- They will regale you with tales of how great, experienced and innovative they are in their chosen profession. That the reason that they have had so many positions of short duration is because other employees were jealous of them, took credit for their work, blamed them for mistakes and told lies about them, so they had to leave. What they leave out is that all that did happen, but in reverse. They come into a new position/ company with guns blazing, make promises of all the great things they will do, and deliver nothing but chaos and confusion. It doesn't take long for these discrepancies to be noticed and that's when they resign citing being victimized. This victimisation carries over into every sphere of their life. They were victimised ,bullied and neglected by their parents, siblings other family members, they were victimised and bullied at school,they were victimised and bullied by partners in every relationship they had. They were in fact victimised, bullied and used by every single person they have ever known. They never did anything wrong, they were never responsible for anything that happened, they are what we call, The Eternal Victim.
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franklin_jess@yahoo.com 05/01/18
jackson.aj73@yahoo.com
Hi Jess,
Thought this might be of interest. The further you dig into this the worse it gets.
No wonder the Poms sent their convicts here, looks like we have one that got out of the UK before he was thrown out. Put him together with a home grown narcissist and you get double the trouble and destruction. From what i have recently been told, they both still deny ever having done anything wrong in their lives to anybody, it was always someone else's fault , they were the victims not the perpetrators. Self denial seems to be the only way they can live with themselves.
Can you identify the psychopaths in your life? There are over 300,000 identified and documented in Britain alone, on different levels of the personality disorder spectrum, from mild to severe.
Not all psychopaths are serial killers as depicted in movies, only a very small percentage of them ever go that far.
They live among us – but even the experts struggle to see through their lies. As ‘Horizon’ investigates what makes a narcissist/ sociopath/ psychopath, Rob Hastings learns the giveaway signs There’s no shame in being fooled by them. They can even con the experts sometimes. During her early days as a researcher into the most disturbing people in society, Essi Viding was reminded of their deceitful traits – superficially charming but manipulative and willing to lie about anything – when she conducted an interview assessment with a prisoner. “He was so convincing and I came away feeling as sorry for him as I could be,” she recalls. “He gave a heart-wrenching story about how his life had gone wrong, and he was now in prison and his was heart was breaking because he couldn’t look after his little boy, and he was really worried how he was doing, constantly calling the boy’s mum to try and make sure he was fine.” Later, she reviewed his file with a colleague. “He had five children with four different women, none of whom he had ever looked after.” They then went through the Hare checklist, which scores people between 0 and 40, based on different antisocial personality faults. Their criminal was well into the ‘psycho’ territory of 30 and above. Now an award-winning professor working at UCL – studying how genes and childhood environments together lead some people to become this way – Viding is one of the most qualified people to answer the question that forms the title of tonight’s BBC Two Horizon documentary: What Makes a Psychopath? The Hare checklist of the key traits that define psychopaths 1. Superficial charm 2. Grandiose sense of self-worth 3. Excess need for stimulation 4. Pathological lying 5. Manipulative 6. Lack of guilt or remorse 7. Shallow emotional responses 8. Lack of empathy 9. Parasitic lifestyle 10. Poor behavioural control 11. Promiscuous sexual behaviour 12. Childhood behavioural problems 13. Lack of realistic long-term goals 14. Overly impulsive 15. High level of irresponsibility 16. Failure to accept responsibility 17. Lots of relationships 18. Juvenile delinquency 19. Not taking the chance to reform 20. Criminal versatility.
The narcissist/ sociopath/ psychopaths we encounter in everyday life .
As previously stated there are an estimated 300,000 of them living in Britain, that are on different scales on the NPD spectrum and they are not all convicted criminals – many walk among us in ordinary life, even if their condition makes them extraordinary. It’s thought those capable of holding down jobs tend to be drawn disproportionately to business careers, where they can be cut-throat about their work. “I would be very surprised if people haven’t met at least one person in their lifetime who fulfils the criteria,” says Viding. She sums up a typical example as “somebody who lacks empathy, lacks remorse, always blames other people, manipulates people to their own ends, is only interested in somebody as long as they can be useful to them but then readily drops them if they’re not, gets very frustrated if they don’t get what they want”. They often like to target vulnerable individuals who may be less likely to report any criminality to authorities. “You may be antisocial in ways that don’t get you convicted but are still very nasty,” she says. “You may threaten people, you may engage in domestic violence, you may control and coerce people, you may steal money from people you live with, you will actually live off them, you will scam them, you will lie to them, you will make promises you never intend to keep.” The psychopathology professor says “we know nowhere near enough” about the behaviour of these people in general society, where so many of them operate under the radar. “Because these individuals often end up being hurtful ,dangerous and destructive to other people, there is a strong impetus to try and understand them better.”
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franklin_jess@yahoo.com
jones.s83@gmail.com
December 10th 2017
Hi
This is an interesting article and one i hope is worth posting. I have included the website for anyone interested to read and the start of it to give an idea of the contents.
Your doing a great job on exposing these people and stopping them from continuing to destroy lives. Every little bit of information helps.
Sheryl Jones.
https://lovesagame.com/my-life-with-a-narcissist-part-1-is-your-ex-one/
Preface from Eddie Corbano: Narcissists are out there and they need to be recognized and exposed. I knew they existed, but never had an idea of the devastation they could create in other people's lives. Until I read Marce's post about her personal experiences with a narcissist.
It was in fact so helpful, that I asked her to write a whole article on the topic to educate people what narcissists are and what they do… and most of all – to help you identify if your Ex or your currant partner was one of them.
This is an article in two parts, starting with Marce's story – her suffering, her attempts to fix things and ultimately… how she got out.
You will find that the following is written from a very subjective, personal point of view, and this is exactly what makes it so helpful and valuable.
Please read this. This is a MUST for everyone.
My life with a Narcissist – A Personal Story
In the beginning, he was considerate, understanding, charming, suave, loving, and this is what “sucked” me in.
I WAS IN LOVE – hook, line and sinker.
The relationship was intense and romantic, and he wanted to spend most of his free time with me. He called me pet names like “Princess” and “gorgeous.”
He told me that I was beautiful and “just perfect.” He made me feel secure in the relationship and said things like, “he would ALWAYS be there for me” – he was going nowhere.
He kept telling me how much he loved me, and needed me, and that he had never met, (or found), anyone like me.
However, this was short-lived because, after the “honeymoon” or “sucking in” stage, the tables turned.
Why?
Well, Narcissists love the “honeymoon” stage where they can just have fun and not be responsible or accountable for anything. Nor do they have to deal with any REAL issues that are necessary to take the relationship to a deeper emotional level.
He loved the romance, adoration, admiration, and uplifting that I gave to him… and I think he thought he had found THE ONE who would tolerate his weirdness without questioning it.
In the beginning stages of our relationship, I NEVER questioned anything because I loved him and completely trusted him. What I did not know at the time is that he did not have the ability, or willingness, to move past this stage of the relationship and that soon he would get bored.
He groomed me and trained me up to be the perfect source of his narcissistic supply – in fact, he even told others in my presence “she is in training.”
He also told me on occasion that I continued to “pass” all the tests he'd set for me. When asked what he meant, he changed the subject and said, “I just can't fault you in any way.”
I would laugh coyly, but little did I know that he actually meant it – he was training me up and he was testing me ALL the time to see if I fitted in with his plans.
Getting his attention and love made me very happy – so in reply, being his constant source of attention, sex, affection and nurturing was absolutely no problem for me at all, and in fact was very easy for me to do naturally.
I loved him, and I wanted him to be as happy as I was.
The DevaluingSo what happened after the “honeymoon” stage?
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04/01/18
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
mpjames64@gmail.com
20/12/17
5.45 pm
Morning Jess,
Came across this article, it just might help a few more understand just how destructive a narc is. There are hundreds of websites about NPD and more people need to read them. It might help those who know them or others like them realise that it is real and not to judge anyone who stands up to them until they know what really happened not what they say did. Hopefully they will be a bit more understanding and compassionate in their views. Hope you see fit to publish this.
Regards
Mal James.
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/07/why-those-who-havent-visited-narcissism-hell-should-remain-silent/
Sometimes, those who don’t understand what it’s like to encounter narcissism close up think talking about it is judgmental and unnecessary.They try to say things like, “People are all just trying their best from whatever capacity they have or level of consciousness they’re working with.”
I understand this, and it is quite true.
There are also humans out there who are trying their goddamn best to destroy other people’s lives, to cause everlasting and ingrained pain in the hearts of others, and to tear down the strong and brilliant hearts that shine brightly and highlight a narcissist’s perceived imperfections.
There are also people who are doing their best to manipulate others for their own egotistical, materialistic, and financial gain.
Hurt people hurt people. Angry, self-centered, twisted people also hurt people.
This is why it is absolutely imperative that those who have been through the storm keep marching, so that they can let those who are still in it know that the light at the end of the tunnel is nearby—if they can just keep moving through. And also to let them know that they are not alone and to never, ever give up—because, believe me, I, and thousands or possibly even millions of others, have wanted to. Some, tragically, do.
Please, if you are one of those people who haven’t experienced what it’s like to look into the treacherous eyes of narcissism day after agonizing day, do not try to tell those who have what it’s like or what they should be feeling, thinking, saying, or doing.
Good, genuine people, strong and incredibly beautiful-on-the-inside people who are compassionate, caring, loving, and trusting of others are currently in the midst of relationships of all kinds with people who are narcissistic.
Those who have no idea what it’s like to be lied to, manipulated, deceived, and emotionally, mentally, financially and sometimes physically abused, often try to tell those who are either entangled in these dynamics or those who have escaped it, “If it’s that bad why don’t/didn’t you just leave?”
If it was so simple to “just leave,” there would be no abuse of this kind happening anywhere in the world.
Stockholm Syndrome explains this well, though there is an infinite amount of reasons that people remain in these dynamics. Each situation is unique, but what I can say with great certainty is that no one who is involved with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder consciously chooses to experience persistent, malignant, overt, or covert abuse.
No one would willingly choose these relationships if they knew the suffering that lies ahead.
Some people have been subjected to the onslaught of narcissism since childhood, therefore, narcissistic behavior feels familiar and is not easily recognized. Sometimes the torment is so insidiously drip fed by the narcissist that the harsh reality does not become apparent until the toxicity has seeped in and temporarily poisoned and intravenously overwhelmed the other person’s mind.
Narcissists notoriously hide their narcissism well. They are incredibly skilled at masking their intentions, and they play such convincing characters that even the most highly intuitive, aware, alert, and attentive person can be fooled.
Part of the narcissist’s masterful plan is to convey such a convincing angelic-like image that no one would outright suspect that their inner motivations are in huge contrast to what they choose to outwardly display.
Those who have never been entwined with a narcissist may say that they know without a doubt that someone with this disorder would never manage to lure them in. However, believe me, at one time, I thought this too, and the hundreds of men and women I have spoken to thought this exact same thing too.
No one knows, so those who haven’t been there really cannot credibly tell anyone else what it’s like to be intimately involved with a narcissist, or tell those who are that narcissism is imagined, or that they are willing victims if they choose to enter a relationship or stay.
It takes knowledge, experience, and a whole heap of courage and conviction to figure out a narcissist’s game and tear it to pieces.
It is not weakness that keeps people in these situations—it takes immense strength and willpower just to survive each day.
In my opinion, the only people who get to tell others what it’s like to experience life at the hands of someone with narcissism are those who have lived, breathed, and walked through the fire and felt every painful moment of each turbulent day.
So, when those who have been to this hell try to warn, guide, support, or prevent others from going or staying there, it would be beneficial if those who haven’t ever been there don’t trivialize and underestimate their experiences by trying to tell them they are blowing it out of proportion, or that it’s probably just a bad relationship, or worse still, that everyone is narcissistic to some degree.
There is a great difference between having a few traits and triggers that are similar to those categorized as narcissists and someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I believe it is harmful for people to pretend to know about this mental disorder and to offer, what they believe, is expert advice without actually having a balanced and rational clue about what’s actually happening.
Those who don’t fully understand can still be an imperative part of other people’s healing journey by compassionately listening without believing they know, or would do, better—or by belittling the whole situation by saying things like, “There’s no such thing as narcissism,” or sarcastically, “Nowadays everyone seems to be a narcissist,” or, “If I was in that situation, I would/wouldn’t do x/y/z.”
Some people even suggest that narcissism talk should be swept under the rug and kept behind closed doors, because talking about it is “negative,” and not everyone wants to accept what is actually going on and would rather believe that the world is all love, light, and unicorns.
When people talk about narcissism to share their experience or to raise awareness, it is not because they hate all narcissists, or that they think they are above or better than those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder; it is because they hate the disorder and how destructive it is to those who become involved with it.
Sweeping the reality of narcissism away serves to protect those who are narcissistic and thus allows them to continue their perpetual cycles of abuse. It also causes the person affected by narcissism to believe that what they are experiencing must all be in their head, which may lead them to feel alone, or as though it is all their fault, which results in feeling isolated and too ashamed to talk openly about it.
Regardless of how much anyone thinks they know, the only ones who actually know what it is like are the people currently walking through narcissism hell and those who have already walked through it. No one else can possibly accurately judge what it’s like.
Author: Alex Myles
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01/01/18.
I will start off with this from Marian. It mirrors almost word for word, action for action, lie for lie what he did to Dianne. When they both read this they will see themselves as they really are and will show the truth to those around them..Jesse.
Franklin_jess@yahoo.com
marian.lfoote.nav@aol.com
http://narcissist-sociopath-awareness.com/
This is something everyone should read regardless of knowing them or not. The above site link can answer just about every question you have.
The Script
This article, penned by a guest writer, breaks down the narcopath’s Script, and details three parts of four. The author’s purpose for writing the Script is to bring awareness to a certain subset of the population that is dangerous to our mental & physical health. These relationships always end & they end badly.
My goal writing “The Script” is to bring awareness that a certain subset of our population is dangerous to our mental and physical well being. These relationships always end and they end badly.
Throwing Out The Line
Dating is challenging whether you meet through friends, on-line match sites or at church. One of the most disturbing things about a narcopath is the charming ease with which he/she will slide into your life. Narcopaths are excellent researchers and will prepare themselves to shapeshift into your perfect mate without you ever suspecting anything.
The first thing you need to know is this: the narcopath is leaving someone through discard, either now or sometime in the future once you are hooked. (Hooked is the next section of The Script). The narcopath may tell you about this relationship to invoke sympathy or they could be completely silent about being in a relationship at all. Narcopaths are always in situ in a relationship, always. They may be in several relationships at a time, unbeknownst to the others or they may be pole vaulting from one to the next; but, they are always throwing out the line for a better deal. One of the most disturbing things about a narcopath on the hunt is they will find out what you want in a relationship and shapeshift to become your perfect match.
A narcopath is an excellent listener and will mold themselves into what you impart as a need or wish. In the beginning, this person will astound you at how completely perfect their actions match your needs. The following actions and phrases are used by a narcopath during the ‘throwing out the line’ stage:
- I have never felt like this before with anyone.
- We have so much in common.
- You are the most beautiful man/woman I have ever seen.
- Can you do anything wrong?
- Don’t worry about ________________, I will take care of it.
- My last relationship was so hard because he/she was crazy.
- Your eyes reflect your beautiful soul.
- I have never wanted anyone as much as I want you.
- All I want is to make you happy.
- As long as you are with me, I don’t care where we go.
- I sent you ___________, because I just wanted you to remember me when you aren’t with me.
- I love your children, cat, dog, house, apartment, car, etc.
- You are my good luck charm, since I met you everything is falling in to place for me.
- I am so glad you participate in _____________, so do I. It is my favorite thing to do.
- I was always missing something until I met you.
- You make me feel so special, young, perfect, handsome, pretty.
- I have prayed for you every day of my life.
- I always knew I had a twin-flame, soulmate out in the world and now I’ve found her/him.
The emptiness they harbor inside can not be filled with a person who does not offer what they need. Armed with knowledge, new supply can be swept off their feet by the attention, the immediate attraction, the simple perfection of a newcomer to your life. Unfortunately, the narcopath has come to the table with ulterior motives. This person has researched you, carefully listened to you and is actively trying to pull you into their void. Using your personality, they have morphed into a version of you. Mirroring your qualities makes you feel very comfortable, dropping your guard as you start this unhealthy dance with a predator.
If you recognize your new relationship in any of the above or feel rushed to be a couple, please tread carefully. Google this person, ask to meet friends, ask questions about former relationships, review the answers as you would when forming a new friendship. Once ensnared by a narcopath, it is painful and you will be discarded without thought to your welfare. We will discuss how a narcopath sets the Hook in the next installment.
The Seduction
In the first section of the Script, we talked about the manipulative behavior that goes into throwing our the line to find the “new supply” for the narcopath. Their insatiable need for supply ensures their ability to trawl for decades. One of their calling cards is their ability to charm people quickly and try to set the hook before the new partner begins to realize the many inconsistencies of their stories. The focus in this stage is generally on you.
Narcissistic sociopaths are among the most charming people who inhabit the earth…until they are not. During the seduction stage, they will want to meet your coworkers, friends and family, and they will be willing to accommodate you in any way necessary. At this point, your brain is in “love endorphin” mode and you will feel invincible. You have bought into the charm and have been drawn into their web of deceit.
You will start to believe that this person meets all of your criteria for a perfect mate, and having ignored all of the red flags, you will enter into a relationship with a broken human being that you believe is your soulmate. The narcopath lovebombed you while throwing out the line, and now you have been caught.
This moment in time will haunt you in the future. You will have known this person for a short time and even witnessed several inconsistencies. There will be a defining moment in which you decide to be in a relationship with this person. Perhaps they brought you soup when you were sick or took flowers to your mother in the hospital. There will be a defining point in which your brain clicks over from “dating” to “in a relationship.”
Let’s take a moment to do a forgiveness exercise because this moment is such a trigger for many of us:
I forgive myself for having a soft heart, for trusting someone who was not worthy of trust. I forgive myself for choosing to subject myself (and my children) to what will come. Had I known better, I would have protected myself better.
Once the relationship is established, you may hear some of the following lines from the Script:
- I changed my status to “in a relationship” on social media.
- I only want to be with you. (Please know that they are most likely seeing multiple people at this point.)
- I need to warn you about my crazy ex who calls me constantly. They are very jealous that I am now with you.
- I want everyone to know that we are a couple. I am so proud to be with you.
- Let’s plan a trip, etc. months or years into the future. (This insures that you have bought into the relationship and also invokes a sense of stability.)
- All I can think about is you. All I want to do is spend time with you.
- I love those jeans on you. I can’t wait to get you out of them.
- I think of you whenever I hear this song.
Please remember: the person that you love is NOT a real person. That person is just mirroring back to you the best parts of yourself. Incapable of real love, they mirror back your wants, needs and behaviors, and you believe that this is the real person. However, it is not. They are cold, calculating people without the ability to love.
This time is a reward for a job well done. They set the hook, have you on the line, and soon you will be reeled in. Once you begin a relationship with a narcopath, your honeymoon period will end, and you will slowly but surely begin to see the real person you’re involved with. Once the mask is off, the discard phase will begin.
The Discard
The end of a relationship is a painful process. Being in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath adds a tenth level of hell to Dante’s “Divine Comedy.” Often, the narcopath has been planning the end of the relationship for a long time, and you were not included in the plans. When finally informed the relationship is over, the discarded one is awash with feelings of confusion and abandonment. Unbeknownst to the discarded, the narcopath moved on from the relationship months or even years before clueing in their partner.
When abruptly ending a relationship, narcopaths use a collective of certain phrases and actions. The narcopath may become more attentive to your activities while being less forth coming about their own. They may take trips, work late and be generally unavailable; however, they bombard you with texts and phone calls when convenient for them. This insures that you will not call or text them at a time when they are busy preparing the exit from your life. Another form of manipulation is proclaiming their undying devotion at a time when you know your relationship is suffering. A narcopath takes great pleasure in manipulating you, and they are rewarded by watching their partner turn themselves inside out to save the relationship.
Manipulative behaviors in the pre-discard script include, but are not limited to:
- Threatening abandonment
- Withholding attention to you or children
- Threatening violence
- Violence
- Threatening suicide
- Rewriting history casting themselves as the victim & you as the villain
- Creating drama & chaos causing mental fog & allowing them to plan the exit
- Making plans with you & then disregarding them
- Accelerated work schedule
- Increase or decrease in sexual appetite
- Excessive computer and/or phone usage
The discard will be swift and even quite boring to the narcopath. They may listen to your shock, feelings of betrayal and outrage but, they are incapable of having true
feelings of empathy. The narcopath will not be engaged in your reaction, because they have already moved on to the next stage in their plan. As part of The Script, some phrases used to complete the planned discard are:
- I don’t want to be in a relationship.
- I need some time by myself to reflect on my needs and wants. (Be assured, a narcopath has already figured out his/ her needs & wants & they do not include you.)
- I am not in love with you anymore.
- Sadly, our relationship ended and although I will always love you, I am in love with “new supply.”
- I want a divorce & I am not interested in counseling or doing anything to save our marriage.
- I do not want to be a husband / wife anymore.
- I feel so trapped with you. I need my freedom & you make me feel so tied down.
- Things are not working between us, & we just are not compatible.
- Two years ago, you did “this benign & imagined misdeed” and I just can’t get over it.
- You know how important sex is to me and you don’t turn me on anymore.
As awful as this time is, your greatest growth will come from the Discard. You will learn that what you thought was true love, was actually love of themself. You will learn to rely on your intuition and to honor yourself by validating your own feelings. You will find freedom inspiring and will have appreciation for simplicity. You will become a warrior and proud of whom you have become. You will come to know you are strong and can help others who experience the Script. These are hard fought honors and the path to recovery of self is not always easy to find. The promise is that this pain will end and you will be an even better version of yourself.
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21/12/ 17
This i felt was worth breaking my rule of leaving things till the new year, even my wife agreed after reading it. . The person who sent it said that after reading it , everything fell into place and they understood everything. I have to agree, not sure who actually wrote it but it's honest and powerful and worth reading. Basically it’s a reflection of who they are.
Jesse.
Did He or She Ever Love Me?
The unique grief experienced by discarded spouses of psychopaths and narcissists.
By [NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH]
However long you test out the relationship before you convince yourself the love is mutual and enduring, if you marry a narcissistic sociopath either male or female ,you will find that everything changes the day after the wedding.
For a start, his or her natural predatory instincts have assessed you as the thing he or she most wants next. For whatever reason. First up, he or she likes your house, your car or bike, your cooking, your income, the lifestyle you can provide for him or her . Or because your with someone else and he or she wants what you give to them. The reasons might include your deep inner qualities but only because he or she wants to possess them for themselves. He or she wants your kindness, generosity, sweetness, humour, honesty, competence, whatever. He or she also wants your constant adoration, worship, adulation and praise.
What they doesn't want is your illness, your sadness, your anger (especially not your anger), your exhaustion, or any other normal human baggage. They stick with you until they have you hooked - reflecting back at you and promising to partner you in all the things you most hope for, crave, or aspire to. Morphing themselves into everything you ever wanted in a partner. Easy. Especially if you give them a list of the things you are looking for.
From that moment forth, when he or she has your total trust, love and commitment, it'll feel like you're drowning. You are suddenly trapped in a revolving door of episodic kindness and praise like they used to hook you, and covert cruel devaluation, ending in dehumanisation and destruction of your life. Just like any old parasite slowly starves and kills its host. Like a frog slowly coming to the boil, you'll fail to notice the rising temperature until you're already cooked. You'll wake up dead.
A narcissistic sociopath’s love is more a combination of greed and contempt than any kind of love.There love is just obsession. A passing fancy. He or she wants you like they want a new Ferrari or a holiday on a Greek Isle. Once they get it, the novelty quickly wears off.
What makes the sociopath different from plain old womanisers or in the case of a female sociopath, a man hunter, is that they'll stick around, taking everything they can get, and plotting ways to make it look like you are the reason he or she was forced to leave. They need to destroy the evidence rather than risk tarnishing their spotless reputation.
Discredit and disempower their victims. He or she IS the red Ferrari, out of control, without brakes, careening from one reinvention to the next, ploughing remorselessly through lives, leaving a trail of destruction.
The Narcissistic Sociopath is addicted to continual excitement, and nobody can remain exciting for the duration of a marriage. Or excited about their mate. Nobody. In a normal relationship or marriage the love is still there but its a comfortable love of commitment and sharing all that comes along. But you will find that, from the moment he or she has you hooked, they become suddenly and inexplicably bored with you. The excitement was all in the chase.
The drive to WIN at any cost is huge in the narcissistic ego. Once he or she takes home the prize - the giant stuffed panda toy (that's you), it gets sat in a corner of the bedroom and thereafter neglected. Taken out when there's an audience and shown off with pride.
Your achievements are claimed as his or her own, at the same time as he or she privately belittles them and holds them in contempt. They will charm the pants off your friends and family. When there are witnesses. They'll tell you how lucky you are to have such an attentive husband or wife. And when they leave, back in the corner you go.
The thing you imagine you see in him or her as love is not love. It's excitement. It's gratification at tricking you into loving them. At winning the game. That suspicion you have that his or her lovemaking is just lust is not an illusion. For them , it is simply fulfilling a human need for sex, and no vow or moral boundary is going to prevent him or her from satisfying that need whenever and with whomever is convenient.
The hypersexuality is not about their love for you, it's just about convenience. The reason he or she keeps marrying and discarding women or men is because he or she likes to have their basic needs for food, shelter and sex met all the time, and without too much effort. He or she is always on the lookout for the next thing that might take his or her fancy.
If they sense your imminent withdrawal of any of the things that satisfy their appetites, they will easily switch to the attentive adoring man or woman they were before they hooked you. They will smirk as he or she sees you take the bait again. Then they will do exactly the opposite of what they just promised you.
Their sense of entitlement is massive. It precludes the possibility of love. Since love requires humility. Opening up the heart and allowing another to witness our flaws and trusting them to treat our hearts with respect. Many Narcissistic Sociopaths develop very sophisticated stories and word salads to imply that they are humble.
They might go to great lengths to prove just how humble they are. People love humility. It garners praise. Anything that garners praise is a worthwhile game. Charity is another. Real charity, real humility don't advertise themselves, but the Narcissistic Sociopath can't resist advertising theirs. He or she can't resist telling complete strangers what a humble, charitable person they are, impressing them. His or her flying monkeys (enablers) will lobby for them , and he or she will be showered with accolades or prizes for charitable works that should really go to the little guy out the back who's devoted his life to genuinely helping others.
The love thing is just another tiny part of his or her sophisticated 'personality strategy'. If one deems oneself naturally superior to others, one must at least develop the ability to appear normal. To fit in. One must climb the social ladder wearing a mask of normalcy, burying the bodies one steps over to advance, to survive.
With fame or a title appended to one's name, even the red Ferrari starts to morph into a Rolls Royce - the very model of established power and decency perhaps. Unquestionable. Now that is success. That is winning. Climbing so far up that one is no longer held to account for one’s actions. Beyond reproach. That's the goal. Because there is nothing a narcissistic sociopath hates more than being challenged in any way.
Challenges, queries, being held to account don't fit in with the image he or she has of them self as Mr or Mrs Perfect. Most challenges can be swiftly dealt with by using the humble act anyway. Word salads of remorse or regret that flip the blame onto his accuser. He or she is sorry he or she couldn’t deal with the fact that the accuser a crazy lying bitch or psycho bastard, he or she will play the long suffering victim who tried so hard to make things work..
The victim then, experiences a more difficult and wily form of grief. Disenfranchised grief. Genuine grief for something that never existed. Not solid tangible death-type grief. But a grief that belongs nowhere in the psyche. A grief that, in a sense, can never heal. Precisely because it belongs nowhere. There is grief at losing a home, a future, connection to family and friends, and all the broken promises. Like the death of any relationship. But then, there is the disenfranchised grief of loving a person who never existed. Believing oneself loved by a liar who lied about loving us.
It's grief for the death of a loved one who was nothing more than an imaginary friend. That type of grief is crazy making. And I'm sure that many victims cannot escape their cognitive dissonance in this regard by continuing to struggle for years to understand how such a dream love could result in such a nightmare.
Facing the fact that we were never loved, despite investing everything we had. Facing the fact that the love we gave was to an imaginary friend. A ghost. It is this that can make recovery from narcissistic and psychopathic relationships take so very long. We trusted the sheep and were devoured by the wolf.
We married Dr Jekyll and were destroyed by Mr Hyde. We grieve the loss of a false persona. While the predator , parasite skips off into the sunshine with his or her latest conquest followed by a hoard of admiring fans, enablers, “ flying monkeys”
Just a quick post in reply to my email to Di to satisfy those who have asked. Still dont have time to sit down and reply to them all but will after Christmas. I know most you you will read this.
Jess.
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
diannefrost49@gmail.com 18/12/17
Hey you, :)
Stop bitching about the weather, your a Melbourne boy and know what it's like in summer. Just get on with it. I am really looking forward to seeing you and yours in a couple of weeks.
Thanks for passing on the emails you got from those who are concerned that i am spending Christmas day alone , the offers to keep me company or spend Xmas with them and the concern over my mental state. So can you pass on the following to them.
My mental state is fine, never better, i still have a little bit of a problem trusting people as i can now pick out a lie as soon as people open their mouths. But that's a good thing i am told.
Why am i spending Christmas alone?. So, ok.
It has been a rather rough year for family members and friends with a death, work problems, new babies, legal dramas, nothing to bad just stressful, illnesses, a really sick baby, but mainly my medical problems and they have all been there for me. What a lot forget is that families have other halves, other parents, other grandparents, sisters, brothers etc. So this year my Christmas present to them was for them all to wander off and go see them, to catch up and relax. One lot flew off overseas, one lot went up to the far north and one lot out west. I am spending the next three weeks looking after their dogs, cats, guinea pigs and houses. I zoom around every day to feed them, check the house and stay one night at the last one i visit. Then home the next day after feeding them all again and spend one night at home to feed my cat. So i am virtually home every second day and night. Christmas to me does not mean much, after the one in 2012 when i was left isolated and alone on that bloody island because he had to “work” and had to stay at his bosses place. As he had technically run off in November but kept coming back the family and friends left us alone to sort things out so they didn't know i was alone . First Xmas in my life i was alone. Then 2013 i came out of hospital with nothing but the clothes on my back and had to stay with family who cancelled their plans to go away. Then 2014 after all his lies and promises and the shock of the divorce out of the blue, finding out about that piece of trash he was with, i was not interested in Xmas. 2015 was better. Last Christmas all the family came to my place and it was great, a bit chaotic but good. So this year i am giving back to them all. My next door neighbour and friends asked me to have Xmas lunch with them but i declined am staying at xxxx and xxxx house Xmas eve with the dog and will be home late in the afternoon on Xmas day i told them. So its all under control. I will see all the little ones in the new year. Christmas is just for kids these days as they are the only ones who dont lie and pretend.
Some people still think i am interested in what that lying, manipulating, pathetic little man and his chipmunk faced fat cow of a harlot are up to. I know about the overseas trip and why, still not interested. All about his fake engine, not interested and neither is anyone else. So i'm sure they will do all the christmassy things, give expensive gifts to buy those around them, smile those fake smiles, pretend to be what they are not and continue to lie to everyone and themselves, another reason why i am not interested in Christmas, it's just so bloody fake for most people. I do feel sorry for her family, but nothing i can do about it. They have to see the truth for themselves. I know that what they have done and continue to do will eventually catch up with them, that's good enough for me and i have it on good authority that it's getting closer. Am i worried that he will suddenly pop up over Xmas when i am on my own ? Not a chance, cowards hide from the truth. . So my friend tell them it's all good and my mental state is fine. Lol.lol.
Love to you and the family.
Di.
xxxx
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Coming home to Melbourne from a cold climate is like walking into a blast furnace. Lots to do, so little time and the heat just sucks the energy right out of you.
Have quite a lot of emails to read and post but unfortunately wont get to them until the new year. Will be popping up to Brissy to see Di after Christmas. She once again has elected to spend Christmas alone as she states , It means nothing but bad memories and is only for children, despite being asked by so many to spend it with them. So she is spending her time running back and forth house, dog, cat sitting for family members who have gone away .
Because of certain things that happened recently i have been asked about and sent stories of the effects of emotional abuse on children. I have cut and pasted a section from an email from Jay. It should give you an idea of the results.
All have a great Christmas and New year.
Jesse.
SOME OF THE WORST ISSUES I HAVE AS AN ADULT AFTER EMOTIONAL ABUSE AS A CHILD.
I cant stand conflict ,shouting ,screaming or aggression in any form, it triggers my fight or flight instantly.
I cant accept compliments, during my childhood my parents, one mother, several fathers, just noticed my mistakes and not my achievements.
I,m an over achiever,i obsess about doing a job/task to perfection then i obsess about how i could have done it better.
I am basically a hermit, my home is my fortress, i constantly fear those around me.
I have problems trusting people.
I feel like every choice i make is wrong, even if i choose the option im told to take.
I avoid saying anything that others might not agree with , which means i can never be myself.
I am overly shy around people, especially strangers and always stay in the background. I believe no one wants to hear what i have to say, so i say nothing. So people think im rude and standoffish.
I have a hard time making eye contact with people. So people assume i am untrustworthy.
I blame myself for everything. I have to fight the urge to beat myself up constantly .
I feel i am not worth loving and end up pushing away anyone who cares..
I know i am who i am because of the emotional abuse i was subjected to as a child.
But thats not where it ends.
My sister is just like our mother, outgoing, friendly, never wrong, going from man to man looking for the perfect one, several children by different partners, treats her children as possessions.
My brother is a straight out narcissist, a career criminal who uses everyone to get what he wants, goes to jail and blames everyone except himself.
They too are who they are because of emotional abuse as children. The damage varies from person to person, but the results are always the same, lives destroyed …..
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
helenmatthews241@yahoo.com
14/12/17
Hello Jess and Dianne,
There are a lot of websites about Narcissists / sociopaths that explain if you are being abused and your right about most of them having a facebook page affiliated with their website. I have included a few articles from some to demonstrate how they all say the same things and are from all walks of life. All Narcissists / sociopaths use lies, deception, manipulation, emotional abuse, false promises of love and caring and playing the victim to hook and use their sources of supply, be it in a intimate romantic relationship , a friendship or business endeavour. They come across as being genuine because their lies are so convincing, its a skill they have honed to perfection throughout their lives.
I hope this is of help to those who have asked for information.
And to Dianne, You should not feel any guilt for anything either of them have done to anyone especially those most vulnerable .Its painful enough that you blame yourself for those close to you being hurt dont extend it to others. The manipulation ,lies and emotional abuse they have used on others is not your fault. If those around them choose to believe their lies and stories of being the abused victim then that's up to them, nothing you say will change that because they have been brainwashed and manipulated into believing it. So let it go and know that eventually these people will see the truth, unfortunately it probably won't happen until it's too late and the damage is done.
Regards
Helen Matthews.
With “ normal” people breaking up is an ending point to move on, we will grieve, get our feelings out, learn something and apply the lessons to future endeavours. We want closure and peace after battling this confusing and emotionally relationship with a Narcissist. It can only be described as Psychological abuse and terrorism. We have been dragged through HELL, forced to deal with unnecessary drama, hideous betrayal, financially stripped, lied to, emotionally abused, if there are children involved they have been used as pawns for leverage and blackmail.We deserve to be able to move on without feeling guilt, without all the lies about us told to explain to his or her latest conquest, friends and associates why he or she left, we deserve to be treated fairly financially, not left destitute and sometimes homeless, because we were the one who supported them and gave it all in the name of love and trust. We deserve the truth, not the confusion we are left with.
But a Narcissist cant do things this way, they are so afraid that the ugly truth about them and their perverted lifestyle will come out . They want to annihilate you in every way possible to keep you quiet. They will lie about you ,your family and anyone who stands up for you, throw the abuse and blame on to you, accuse you of using them, say you are the one who has taken everything, deliberately hide assets and cry poor and hide the fact that they have cheated on you for months or years and are already in a relationship with their next supplier before they even leave you. These tactics are used on ANYONE they come in contact with who in their mind has become the ENEMY.
They are dangerous because they deliberately mean to damage and destroy us so that they can continue to use other targets/ victims to secure supply … like a predator, they feed off their victims.
Whereas "normal," and "healthy" individuals would be decent and accommodating when they have decided on a new life, and want to speed up that new start by being generous in the split, a disordered cheater will deny being a cheater and want to take all, despite the enormous pain he already caused by his despicable behavior. These are people who intimidate in the most ridiculous way, like filing to get alimony from the stay at home mom, working a part-time job! Hiding their assets and money and crying poor. Making promises of love and that they will come back after sorting themselves out. No kidding! These people seek to destroy rather than be decent, or "normal." Threats and lies to their separated partner are what they thrive on.
From Psychopathfree.
Yes, I have been trying to educate and get the word out for a long time! As Martha Stout said, these sociopaths hide in plain sight and are so very hard to spot as they can wear their mask for extended periods of time. Remember you do not know what happens behind closed doors. Just because these people appear affable and kind in public, they are not what they appear to be! Behind the scenes they are a completely different person!! They are Fakers who are very good at their "pretend" game, for as long as it suits them.
The war at home - if only someone knew.( FaceBook Page.)
The Narcissist's Smear Campaign
Narcissists use a calculated (and effective) series of lies and gossip to deliberately bring their target down and make themselves look good.
Why? There can be many reasons such as you seeing them for who they really are, to discredit you should you decide to expose them, jealousy, a relationship coming to an end, not giving the narcissist enough attention or a simple disagreement. The victim of a smear campaign often finds themselves isolated and or ostracised by family and people who they once thought of as friends or supportive co- workers.
By the time the victim finds out about the back stabbing and betrayal, it's too late, the damage has been done. No one believes them. Their credibility has been undermined., their character assassinated.
http://narcissisticandemotionalabuse.co.uk/the-narcissists…/
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I recently had several people email me and ask “ How do you know that you or someone you know is being emotionally abused”.The following article is a good one to read and there are a lot more available on different sites . One way to find them is through face book, most organisations have a face book page attached to their website. In the search section of your face book page type in narcissists or narcissistic abuse, it will give you a list of the pages and the page will direct you to their website. The following article deals with adults but there are many regarding children available. Sorry but don’t have much free time at the moment and felt this was the best way to answer.
People often think that domestic violence means physical hostility—fistfights, shoving matches, hair-pulling, strangulation, or using weapons—injuries that result in visible signs like bruises and broken bones. But that’s not always the case. Abusers aim to control their partners and they can use a range of other behaviors to try to gain this control. They often turn to emotional abuse tactics such as bullying, degradation, name-calling, lies, blame shifting gaslighting, coercive control and threats of physical abuse or harming themselves .
Even repetitive lying to a partner is a form of abuse, since a survivor may begin to doubt their own experiences and instincts, becoming brainwashed into believing anything their abuser says. These abuse tactics often fall under the category of emotional abuse, and hinge on inflicting confusion and self-doubt onto the victim.
You quit believing in yourself—you believe the other person,” says Lucy Papillon, PhD, a California-based psychologist who specializes in emotional, physical and spiritual abuse. “You don’t tune into your intuition and you deny your own signals. You keep hoping this is a one-time thing. You think, ‘He’s not going to call me a name again or lie again.’ But it’s like hoping an alcoholic won’t drink again.”
Victims Blame Themselves
Partners of emotional abusers often try hard to make the relationship work, and they become more deeply invested in it and more deeply involved with their partners.
“You’ve put so much energy and time into this other person, you begin to believe that you are crazy and that there is something wrong with you. You believe [the abuser] more than you believe yourself. When you don’t believe yourself, [the abuser has] much better control over you,” Papillon says.
Often, instead of doubting or challenging the abuser, people who are emotionally abused look inward for signs of problems. They blame themselves. “They’ll think, ‘Well, he called me names because I wore the wrong dress, or didn’t cook the right meal, or I must have said something I didn’t remember I said.’or He only lied to me so i would not be hurt , They go down the list of possibilities,” Papillon says.
And emotional abusers find ways to make their behavior seem acceptable. They are often skilled at remorse and apologies. “They might say this terrible, mean thing or get caught out in a lie or use money set aside for living expenses to buy something they just had to have then be overly affectionate the next day and say it won’t happen again,”or leave you claiming they are confused and need time alone to sort themselves out without telling you that there is a third person in the relationship. Papillon says.
Papillon uses the phrase “soul mugging” to describe what happens to survivors of emotional abuse. She says. “When you allow someone to call you names, to gaslight you, to lie to you, to strip you financially, you’re mugging your own soul. You’re letting someone else tell you who you are and how to think. They design who you are as long as you stay in that relationship or until they decide to move on.”
Red Flags for Emotional Abuse
It can sometimes be difficult to spot emotional abuse happening to you because you don’t want to believe it’s true, especially when you still love your partner and are hoping things will get better. WomensHealth.gov says the following are red flags that indicate you may be emotionally abused:
Your partner …
- Keeps tabs on what you’re doing at all times
- Accuses you of being unfaithful without basis
- Is unfaithful themselves and usually multiple times
- Constantly lies to you
- Erodes away all your assets and finances
- Accuses you of being the abuser or mentally unstable behind your back to friends and associate
- Prevents you from seeing friends or family, ideally will convince you to move to an isolated location usually on the pretext of wanting to spend time alone with you.
- Tries to prevent you from going to work or school
- Loses their temper in a way that’s frightening
- Humiliates you in front of others
- Controls how you spend money but freely spends it on themselves.
- Threatens to hurt you or people you care about
- Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset
- Makes decisions for you that you should decide,
- When Survivors Break Free
Often, people who are emotionally abused stay in the relationship until something happens they can’t ignore—some line is crossed that makes them trust and believe themselves more than they trust and believe the abuser or until the abuser finds a more suitable next victim because the relationship with you is no longer providing them with what they want. A survivor may also see the signs of emotional abuse in someone else’s relationship, and their distance from that relationship makes them see things clearly. “Sometimes it takes a jarring experience, like meeting up with somebody else who is being treated like you’re being treated,” Papillon says.
Talking to supportive friends and family or reaching out to a domestic violence advocate can help emotional abuse survivors build the strength they need to leave the relationship or to understand why the abuser suddenly and without reason left them and recover. With counseling, survivors can feel reaffirmed to trust their own instincts again, as well as be reminded that their feelings have importance and are valid. They can begin to value what they think versus what their partner tells them to think. “You have to build that sense of self,” Papillon says.
Healing Can Take Time
The scars of emotional abuse can sometimes last longer than the injuries of physical abuse. “The worst impact has to do with your own sense of self. How can you have a good sense of who you are when you’ve given power to another person to define who you are?” Papillon says.
“When you let somebody else define you and they define you in negative terms, you feel like you’re nobody.”
franklin_jess@yahoo.com 9.43am
Peterfowler1955@hotmail.com 10/12/1
“” Evil triumphs when good men stand by and do nothing.”””
A bit soppy you say?, well, yeah it is, but it's also true.
So to put it in terms you will be familiar with.
When you see or know that someone male or female has deliberately set out to abuse, denigrate, manipulate and hurt another person physically, emotionally, psychologically or financially and you stand by and do nothing, because you don't want to get involved, it's not your problem you tell yourself , it doesn't affect you , not only are you a part of this abuse by your condoning it and keeping quiet but you are a part of it every time it happens in the future because you allowed the abuser to continue unchallenged. And it will happen over and over again.
Some of you out there know what these two have done for years but kept quiet allowing them to do it over and over again. How many people , adults and children have been hurt and damaged because you were too much of a coward or you benefited from them in some way to stand up and say enough is enough, to expose them for what they are ?.
You read this site knowing the truth and continue to allow this woman to fight to expose the truth alone. Allowed her to be abused and villafield when you know what she states is true. Out of all of you who know the truth only a very small minority have spoken up and identified themselves, the rest of you who have said anything have hidden behind “ not wanting your identity known”, You must feel really proud of yourself. You had the choice to expose them, to do the right thing, to stop this, to give her support , to add your story to hers ,but you chose not to for your own selfish reasons. But apart from the fact that you gained something from what they did , you simply did not want to be embarrassed or put on their hit list. That is what being a coward is!!!
Your inaction has caused more pain and guilt to her , don't you think she has been through enough???
I know i am wasting my time with this but it's about time someone said it. So now go back to your comfortable boring lives and continue to ignore it as you have been doing for whatever reason you have convinced yourself is ok to do so.
If any of you, your family, their family, friends , co-workers have been manipulated, bullied, damaged in any way by either of them then tell your story, identify yourself, what's the worst they can do? Call you a liar? Remember if enough of you tell similar stories it won't be long before it's obvious who the liars are.
No, i don't know any of them personally so i have no axe to grind with them except i know others like them, have stood up to them and hopefully have played a part in at least one person not being a victim. Can any of you say the same??. And guess what? I didn't do it to gain anything, it was and always will be the right thing to do.
They are manipulating bullies pure and simple so let's call them what they are. They bully, manipulate and use EVERYONE they come in contact with in one way or the other to get what they want. So by your keeping quiet, they are manipulating and bullying YOU into silence.
I hope you post this Jesse because it's time for all the enablers to see exactly what they are in relation to them, absolutely nothing!! and accept that they are in part responsible for what they have done and continue to do.. Not that they will. A lie is a bloody lie no matter what excuse is used. This includes lying to yourself.
So bottom line is, lets see how many of you have the guts to stand up with this lady and say, “ yep, i believe her because this is what he/she/ they did to me”. You know what? I will be surprised if even one of you do.
" narcissists love to keep others guessing; it reinforces their power. The narcissists default attitude to others is one of disdain. This person does not like you, he is in fact inwardly mocking you throughout any interaction he has with you. You are not a person, just a commodity to help him gain his goal.
Thanks
Peter
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
marian.lfoot.nav@aol.com
12/09/17
Good morning Jess,
Well, it sure has been an interesting few days. After working as a therapist and counsellor for over 15 years helping those who have been subjected to narcissist abuse, mainly women and children but the amount of men is unfortunately increasing, there is the occasion where i find it extremely difficult to keep my professional and personal opinions separated. What Dianne was subjected to was Narcissistic abuse and manipulation, there is absolutely no doubt about that fact. I have done quite a lot of background checks on all those involved in this , having contacted many people who knew, know ,worked with or are related to all three of them. The facts speak for themselves and any layperson can do the same. Once you have all the facts then the pattern becomes clear. One thing that sticks out in Kingsleys case is the fact his first wife was a lady with a preteen child, Dianne had two preteen grandchildren , Elizabeth had two preteen children. It has been documented that this age group is the most vulnerable to manipulation and abuse and are the easiest to use for a narcissist to work their way into a family situation. Especially if a child has been abused either physically or emotionally previously, which in all three cases is what occured. Playing the doting, caring father figure is easy for a narcissist. The child becomes attached to them convinced that they genuinely care about them, the mother or in some cases the father, remember that their are female narcissists, convince themselves that this person is a loving , caring man/woman who not only loves them but also loves their child/children and goes out of their way to make sure this person is treated with affection and defered to in all aspects of their lives, to in essence , keep them happy and content. Unless you get two narcissists then that is a totally different situation with both manipulating the child/ children and each other. In any event it always ends in disaster for the child/children.
Dianne, who has been through this situation, once she realized who this person was immediately made the connection and that old PTSD that is always lurking in the background, kicked in bringing back all the blame and guilt she felt over her grandsons and now the guilt that she had contributed to hurting this child through the website. . This child was around 12 years old when he came into her life and family, he picked out immediately that she was the most vulnerable and worked his manipulations and lies on her. Her “rant” for a better word defending him shows just how much she cares for him and that she believes his lies. As for not defending her mother?, that is a totally different story but does show her total disregard for her. Her words show that HE is the most important adult in her life.
You can read a lot into what she wrote posing as Dianne.
“ If I'm being honest, I made this site because I'm sad. All my life I've never really had anything I could call mine. When I met Kingsley I realised his soul was so soft and impressionable. “
Is she talking about Dianne or herself?
Then she switches back to being Dianne and repeats what she has been told or what she has observed or heard in her family and puts the two together.
“ I never really loved him but I just wanted something to own. I treated him like a pet but my I craved more and more control, which led to abuse. I don't want to admit it, but it's true. When Kingsley escaped from my horrible ways I realised I don't have control, so I built this site.”
Is she talking about Dianne ,her mother or a combination of both?
Then the final sentence.
“ All I need is control of something. I'm sick, I need help. Please someone get me help I'm going crazy. “
Just who exactly is she talking about.?
Then when she realizes she has been caught out and has exposed her identity, she goes on the defensive and becomes extremely abusive.
As i said , there are so many different ways you can interepute this and it will take a good therapist to talk to her in person to figure it all out.
This “ man” and i use the term loosely, has caused so much pain, destruction and damage to so many people for so long both in his personal life and his professional life that i am astounded but not surprised, that he has managed to fool so many, still is fooling them , and gets away with it.
The website shows a pattern of behaviour including manipulation, abuse and lies not just for him but to a lesser degree for her .
It's a pity Dianne insisted you remove all the comments but understandable, she felt by doing so it would protect that child in some way without realizing that she had obviously read it all. I know after many hours talking to Dianne via skype, in person, phone and emails that the The website was not for revenge as has been suggested by some but an attempt to alert others to what he has done and hopefully prevent him doing it to others and at the moment she feels that she has failed . And everyone is right in saying that she obviously read something that she knew was true but was the opposite to what she had been told , which caused her to defend him and abuse the horrible person who had destroyed some illusion she had about him.
Anyway my young friend, this is my opinion and until i am proved wrong i will stick to it.
I will keep in touch with Dianne and update you when i can. Enjoy your vacation at home and don't let this interrupt it.
From the desk of::
Marian Lightfoot. Permission given to post with details.
franklin_jess@yahoo.com
jackson.aj73@yahoo.com 12/08/17
23.31
Hi Jess,
That young girls rant sure opened a new can of worms.I can see why Di went into full on panic mode. She is the only one who read between the lines and picked up on that its the same tactics he used on her boys and her reaction to defend him was the same the boys had. He could do no wrong in their eyes. . This girl would have been still a child when he slithered into her life and started his poor me act. From what i know she had already had a pretty big emotional upheaval in her life and was vulnerable to anyone who showed her kindness. He seems to pick the most vulnerable to champion his cause and cement his position in whatever situation he creates. Her mother caused the original dramas with her life so not surprised she didn't jump to her defense. I have spoken to Di and told her that now others have had the truth forced on them someone is sure to step in and do something, its not her problem and she had no part in it this time to blame herself for. I hope she takes notice and accepts this as i know how much this has cut her. As hard as she has tried to stop him doing this again by telling her story and all the abuse she has gone through from those who believe him, it has happened again and she feels she has failed.
The worst part about being with a narcissist is that you don’t really notice you’re with one until your relationship reaches an unhealthy level or until they suddenly leave without any logical reason . Nothing anyone says or how much the inconsistencies are pointed out to you will get through to you because you have been conditioned to believe their lies and poor abused victimized me act,especially for a child, it's hard enough for an adult to accept and see the truth. Narcissists are great at concealing their true selves and it isn’t easy to spot their level of narcissism for a long time"
They are incredibly good at play-acting being caring and humble. Very few people ever find out there is nothing genuine there. It's all just showmanship. If it's important to pretend to be a family guy, they will maintain that facade for as long as they need to. It's hard to imagine that to them everything is a game to be played to their advantage , that anyone is just a tool to be used to do this ,they are not interested in or care about the damage they cause, winning the game is the only objective they have.
So when it's all over it feels like a gigantic waste of time with someone you never knew and you feel stupid and like a fool for ever thinking it was real. That's when the really hard part starts, coming to terms with the damage they caused and trying to repair it.
Narcissists MOCK us all, and have high levels of contempt for everyone. But hide it well behind the fake person they pretend to be.
I know from personal experience and that's why i was able to see him for what he is from the start, once you know the tell tale signs it's hard to miss them because they all act basically the same way.
Post my details, i have nothing to hide and don't bloody well care if they know who i am..I will give my opinion on what i know and tell the truth as i see it. It's time others saw them in the real world and not the glossy image they give and did the same.
Regards
A J
Dianne has insisted i post this, it's to Kings and this way she knows he will have to read it.
She doesn't care who reads it or what they think because she knows it's THE TRUTH. It will be the final post on here. All posts except the final few and the following statement below, have been deleted from the questions and comments page
Kingsley,
Whatever reason you had for doing this, whatever rationalizations you have used to help yourself be okay with with all of this, whatever lies you have told yourself and those around you including your latest source of supply and her family, you and i both know it won't sustain you forever. You will eventually have to look at yourself in the mirror and and come to terms with the fact that you hurt someone who really cared about you FOR NO OTHER REASON AT ALL other than love, not your money, which you didn't have, not for status, you had none, not for position or power, you had neither, but simply for love. I have said this before, there is one thing i will never have to come to terms with, that is my integrity which you have shown that you don't have. Through this whole fucking ordeal , i have stood by what i believe in. My biggest mistake was trusting you.. I loved you , cared about you , had faith in you and believed you, i tried to help you in every way i possibly could, i gave you everything i had and more without any selfish motive or expecting anything in return except your love , the truth and your fidelity. The only guilt i carry is what i permitted you to do to two young boys because you convinced me that they need specialised care that we were not qualified to give them when all the needed and asked for was to be loved , cared for and accepted, your selfish actions and lies has impacted on them in ways that have destroyed their lives and i will forever hold myself partly responsible for that , i was the one who introduced you into their lives by believing your lies. Your excuse that you said over and over was , “ that you wanted us to spend more time alone without all the time and emotional work caring for them took and that they could come home on weekends and school holidays”.But that never happened, once they were gone, that was it. I read from that young girl that you have a soft and gentle soul, when in truth, you have no soul. That i treated you like a pet and abused you, i can only imagine the lies you have filled her head and heart with, you did the same to me and to the boys. She never defended her mother in any way, because i feel she knows and has lived through all her lies and manipulations her entire life. Perhaps she feels that she is treating you the same way she stated i did, but for whatever reason , she loves and trusts you, not her mother. You will eventually destroy her and you know it but you dont care as long as you get what you want and if her mother cant or wont see this then she is just as much to blame.. A professional therapist told me that reading what she said has overtones of an unhealthy emotional relationship and is open to speculation on several levels. I hope someone close to her other than her mother recognizes this and does something about it.
Every painful step i take from now until this is over will be to hopefully find some way to move on from this without bearing any more guilt than i already do. No one in my life has ever hurt me as much as you have or caused as much damage to those i loved and cared about as you have. NO ONE…. What kills me is that you had absolutely no reason to hurt me or them. None what so ever, regardless of the lies you have told as your reason for doing what you did. I was your biggest fan…. I believed in you ….i trusted you….. I loved you…. As did the boys.
You put me through the most agonizing pain i could have ever imagined and i still have no idea WHY?. I have no idea at all why you needed to do this to me and to them.. I will never understand this.. Yes, i have been told you have all the classic signs of having a NPD, i accept that, but cant accept your reasons or lies for doing the things you do, because your reasons make no sense and are straight out lies and manipulation.
Dianne
Some of you may have noticed that the amount of posts have decreased from 790 to 270. I am no webmaster so it's a laborious task deleting them as i have to take care not to make a mistake and accidently delete the entire site. Once it is cleared it will be left as an open page and posts will no longer come through me to be vetted before approving posting them, i will be notified immediately by email when a post is submitted directly onto the page and will go into the site and delete it when i can. I will continue to answer emails and periodically check the site but basically it is finalised and no new material will be posted. This is the way Dianne wants it so that's the way it will be. It will also free up my time and take some of the pressure off me that it has caused, i felt it was worth the inconvenience and never complained, but i agree with Dee, enough is enough, especially after yesterday's drama that caused a lot of pain to those on both sides who did not deserve it. The site will continue to whizz around cyber space and anyone who looks for information on either of them will eventually stumble over it. The two emails posted that caused so much drama will be moved to the new page, why? Because something in them obviously did not match up with the stories and lies they have told and set off this chain of events, others after reading them might make the connection as well, as we don't know for certain their version of the story we can't say what the discrepancies, “ LIES” are. So, Kings and Liz have won this round but at what cost?. The site will continue to be available and will pop up when least expected and be read by someone looking for information on them for whatever reason.Sometime in the future they will be held accountable and the way Karma works it will happen when they are least expecting it.. .
After many hours of talks and taking into consideration the messages from many people not to take down the site, we have come to a decision. Because of the interaction between myself and that young person which clearly shows she reads the site and it has caused her distress, Dianne has made it very clear that nothing else be posted on the site. She will not be a part of the lies they have both told that has confused and upset the child. There is nothing she can do about the damage they have caused with their manipulation but she can put a stop to any further confusion and hurt caused on her part. So, after seeking legal advice it has been decided that the site will remain in place, at least this cover page and the New Page but the Questions and Comments page be taken down. The site will be left to stand as is but no further information or posts/ comments will be taken and published.
This way the site will be there for anyone to read in the future and they can make up their own minds about the validity of its contents. Any queries/ comments or information can be sent by email only and will only be made public if and this is crucial, “ if” the sender agrees to have their full name and email address published and if the information they provide can be verified , proven and backed up. Anyone who has something to say must be prepared to identify themselves so that there are no misconceptions and show it is the truth on their part. That way anyone who reads the site, who knows either of them ,will have the chance to ask them about it and ask why this person has said what they have, then it's up to them to give an explanation and be truthful or lie, its their choice and takes any responsibility off us. This will include all family members , friends and co-workers. If you feel what they have done or are doing is wrong or damaging to someone the you need to have the courage of your convictions to say so openly and take any reprisals that may occur. If you don't have belief in or the courage to stand up for what is right and what you say then simply don't say anything. That way there will not be any reason for a similar situation to occur as has done recently and anyone who disagrees with your concerns or requires further information or an explanation can take it up with you. All emails are to be addressed to me and not Dianne as she has made it perfectly clear that she wants nothing further to do with them, but that others should be aware of of them in the future, hence the reason the site will remain with just the basics , should i feel it's something she needs to know i will inform her. Dianne has insisted that no further comments be accepted or posted and this page, Comments and Questions be shut down as soon as possible , doing this is the only way she will agree to leaving the rest of site up. My email address is :: jess.franklin@outlook.com
Another interesting email from 2014/15. Fills in a few gaps. “””””” I can add a bit more to xxxxx email above. Liz was always complaining about how badly she was being treated by xxxxs father, to the point that we all felt sorry for her. Kings on the other hand would tell how wonderful his wife and family were and xxxxx is right when she said we were a little jealous but happy to see someone so in love with their wife. I think at that time Liz could see the writing on the wall with xxxxs father and that it may not go her way with him leaving his wife and family for her. So she targeted Kings and constantly used him as a shoulder to cry on as she wanted what he had with his wife. We all saw it happening and hoped he had enough sense to see it as well. Some of us actually warned him to be careful and not get to involved. Mind you, this was before we found out the truth about them. There were subtle signs that they were involved in a relationship, Liz's smug attitude around him was very telling. We worked out later that she was having a relationship with him and at the same time with xxxxs father, so that if one didn't work out she had a backup. It became really blatant after their business trip to Mackay so we all knew it was a reality. That's when Kings began changing his description of his life with his wife and family, suddenly his wife was not the person she had been previously and the boys were to difficult to manage. We felt so sorry for Dianne and even talked about telling her as she obviously didn't have a clue. But decided to keep out of it and hoped it would run its course and she need never know. A mistake on our part , we realise we should have said something. Liz was definitely the instigator in all this but he was just as equally to blame because as we later found out the truth it became obvious that they were both playing each other. When Liz came back from Canada we knew that relationship was over with xxxs father and it became clear that King's was her next choice. What they did to Dianne and her family made us sick and we began to realise that all of the problems we had in the company could be put down to Liz in the beginning and then Kings as well. They were very good at hiding their true selves and their lies were so convincing. Liz got away with a lot because of her relative who also worked for the company and covered up for her blame shifting by backing her up and who covered up for them both with his wife. Then things really got bad with the dramas over his engine that the company got involved with and supported, so much so that we were wondering if the company would survive or if we should start looking for new jobs. They both left before they could be officially terminated as they knew it was coming. “””””””
With the wife packing for our return home and i am just getting in the way apparently, i decided to go through the files of correspondence i have regarding the site. I came across several emails from 2014 that originally were published on the site but was part of what was deleted when it was hacked. I can't post the full emails but will post what i feel were relative issues at the time. So to all those who never got the chance to read the original site i hope this is interesting. I will try to post a few more over the coming weeks depending on the time i get as it's always hectic going home for the holidays and trying to fit in everything in a few weeks. “”””” I have been told that she is very similar to his first wife, in looks, appearance ,build, character and attitude. The one he deserted and left in a financial mess in the Uk when he went to Australia. We are not sure just what exactly their relationship is like now but it gave the impression then of not being quite right, as if they were both trying to hard to prove it and it not quite coming off. It actually made you feel uncomfortable being around them. She was always complaining about being victimised and lied about and appeared to be the instigator in this, he said very little, occasionally he would mention how badly he was treated by Dianne or the stress he was subjected to trying to raise and control her grandsons, which we found out later was untrue. Dianne came across as a very intelligent, caring, friendly person, the exact opposite to her and we were all surprised and stunned when he left her the way he did as in the beginning he often talked about her with a great deal of love and respect for her, admitting that it was her support and love that got him where he is . . It really confused us all, the sudden change in his feelings for her and really made no sense. Then to find out how badly he treated her shocked us all because we were a little jealous of what a wonderful and loving relationship they had and he was proud to tell everyone. Then to find out all the other information about him and her, the lies and manipulation they both used , that really threw us all. It shows that people are not always who they appear to be. Thankfully that is something we don't have to deal with anymore as we have severed all contact with them. I'm sorry i can't give any recent updates but under the circumstances we really try to avoid even discussing either of them, the dramas they caused us was minor in comparison to what they did to Dianne but painful enough for us not to have any contact with them. “””””
December 4, 2017 at 9:51 am
IP 101.183.163.117
By Dianne Frost (dianneluvr99@gmail.com)
If I'm being honest, I made this site because I'm sad. All my life I've never really had anything I could call mine. When I met Kingsley I realised his soul was so soft and impressionable. I never really loved him but I just wanted something to own. I treated him like a pet but my I craved more and more control, which led to abuse. I don't want to admit it, but its true. When Kingsley escaped from my horrible ways I realised I don't have control, so I built this site. All I need is control of something. I'm sick, I need help. Please someone get me help I'm going crazy
By Chloe Fucking Mazza (cjmaz20001@icloud.com)
You know whats sick? You believing that what you're doing is right. How about grow up? move on? You're all sick in the head to think this is okay. I hope you get what you deserve. You need help, seriously, I'm worried, it's not normal behaviour. This is something I expect from 13 year olds, quiet pathetic and honestly I feel really, really sad for you and hope you get the help you need. Move on, but mostly, keep my name out your fucking trailer trash mouth. Good night. X
By Jesse
I will not debate this with a child. You know exactly what you have said and i have documented it. Just let it go and get on with your life. You should not be involved in this. Any further posts have been marked as spam and will be auto deleted before even being posted. Dianne is a good person who was badly used by him for his own gain and her grandsons were permanently damaged by him. That my dear is the truth. I wont bad mouth your mum to you regardless of what you say to provoke me. The truth is up to her to tell. Get on with your life child. and dont read this site.
By Jesse
There have been several other posts from this young lady, my last reply to them is above. All now deleted when i set up the block. Her email address and isp have been blocked as i will not debate this with her. She is only a child who is defending them. A child who does not know all the facts . But i will leave these two from her up as proof that i or Dianne are not making this up. So please just let it go. Thanks Jess
https://thenarcissisticlife.com//the-narcissist-out-of-control/
The Narcissist Out of Control
Written by Alexander Burgemeester ·
The narcissist feels a compelling need to control people in his (or her) environment; his spouse or partner, work mates, friends and neighbors. That is because in his own mind he doesn’t feel in control; because he lacks feelings of internal control he has the strong urge to control whomever he can externally. He (or she) will seek to dominate every individual and every group with which he interacts. The narcissist’s obsessive desire for control is actually not about control for control’s sake; it is essentially a defense against the risk of receiving a “narcissistic injury” (a blow to the ego or self-esteem).
A major component of narcissism is gaining control over others. This behavior is often a reaction to a childhood completely dominated by a narcissistic parent (or parents)- controlled in all aspects of his young life and not allowed to develop control over his own life. Healthy parenting involves allowing children to learn where the boundaries lie, whereas narcissistic parenting involves the parent(s) establishing complete emotional control over their offspring.
The narcissist lives in fear of losing control
He sees other people in his environment – at home, at work, friends, relatives and neighbors – as extensions of himself. He sees himself at the center of the world- the controller, an idol to be adored and admired; in his mind this makes it acceptable for him to control and abuse others. He continually tries to rearrange the ‘others’ in his life to look toward only him and admire him. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the narcissist tries to control them.
Significant others who don’t immediately do as the narcissist wishes are subjected to manipulation, threats, coercion advice giving, guilt, manipulation, domination or any other means at the narcissist’s disposal. Narcissists have an obsessive need to control others due to their fear of abandonment. Abandonment is the ultimate narcissistic injury.
The connection between narcissism and control is strong and represents one of the diagnostic tools used by psychologists to define the personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). People suffering from narcissism attempt to control others in order to enhance their own sense of power and entitlement. Narcissism and the need to control relate to their self image as does the tendency to devalue others to increase their own sense of self-worth. Controlling others also relates to a lack of empathy, a tell-tale trait seen in people with narcissism. Narcissists typically believe they deserve special recognition for their superior talent or intelligence, which they feel gives them the right to exploit, demean, and use others.
In intimate relationships, narcissism and control might be exhibited in the narcissist’s attempt to determine a partner’s choice of friends or how a loved one dresses. The narcissist might become jealous or possessive and resort to aggressive behavior to exert control. He or she might resent a partner who does not focus constant attention on the narcissist or defer to his or her desires. The narcissist feels he must control his significant others in order to have a steady, reliable source of Narcissistic Supply.
What happens if the narcissist loses control?
If he loses control of others he will fail to find Narcissistic Supply sources, just like a drug addict that can’t find any drugs. This precipitates a narcissistic crisis. The narcissist becomes more desperate and more compulsive in looking for his drug. The more he fails, the more he is hurt and expresses his emotional turmoil by acting out (not uncommonly with ‘narcissistic rage’).
The narcissist initiates his own abandonment (by demeaning, devaluing and even discarding others) because of his fear. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) – that he would rather “control”, “master”, or “direct” the potentially destabilizing situation – than confront the effects if initiated by the significant other. The personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization. It is precariously balanced.
Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. But, if the narcissist initiated his abandonment, if HE directed the scenes, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set himself to achieve – he can and does avoid all these troublesome consequences.
Narcissists and Abandonment
Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned yet their solution is mind boggling. Narcissists facilitate the abandonment. They MAKE SURE that they are abandoned. This way they secure the achievement of two goals:
(1) Getting it over with – The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and “spoiled”. They cannot delay gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.
(2) By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. “She didn’t abandon me; it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, In time, the narcissist adopts this “official version” as the truth. He might say: “I deserted her emotionally and sexually long before she left”.
Narcissists HATE happiness, joy and vivaciousness – in short, they hate life itself. The roots of this bizarre tendency can be traced to three psychological dynamics, which operate at the same time (it is very confusing to be a narcissist):
First, there is pathological envy.
The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, their ability to feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location…
Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing which reminds the narcissist more of his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation.
Second is narcissistic hurt.
The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments- positive and negatives alike, the axis, the prime cause, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, triggers and catalysts. It is shocking to his ego to see that there are things happening outside the orbit of his control.
The narcissist uses “projective identification”. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause – or to the “pathology” of the sad person. “You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist” is a common sentence. The narcissist – in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes – strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. “You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong?
Last, but not least, is the exaggerated fear of losing control.
The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else’s happiness is the narcissist’s way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.
References
http://winning-teams.com/narcissism_control.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/controlgrandiosity.html
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-connection-between-narcissism-and-control.htm
xxxxxxx@hotmail.com
1/10/2015
07:04
To: diannefrost49@gmail.com
Hello Dianne,
I was recently sent the website in regards to Liz and Kingsley. I am no longer an acquaintance of Liz, but wish to remain a ghost, for obvious reasons. I to then found and sent the information to the lady of the marriage Liz tried to destroy in Canada. Liz gave me enough details in the past to find her. I was the one who actually got the wife looking into them. The wife and i have gone back and forth and she too wishes to remain a ghost. She discussed with me and shared emails to and from her husband and Liz. The final decission on wether to send this email was where the website states that Liz was upset and hurt that her canadian lover wasn’t going to leave his wife and she in fact was no longer going to move to Canada. Liz knew it was only an affair on his part and that he had no intentions of leaving his wife. If this was false then she would never have kept it a secret from their daughter and other family members. Liz “ accidently” left an email open from the Canadian and that is how their daughter found out. We believe this Canadian was only her backup if Kingsley DECIDED TO STAY WITH YOU.
The Canadian is in fact the father of Lizs oldest daughter . Liz had an affair again with the Canadian from November 2011 to January 2013. Liz even went to Canada in December 2012 in a desperate attempt to take this man away from his wife and kids. He had no intention of leaving his wife and because of that , during her visit there Liz never laid eyes on his wife or kids. The Canadian father only saw her when he picked up his daughter from his mothers house. He couldn’t even go to the airport because Liz would not let him take her, his daughter, on her own. Each time he tried to see his daughter, she, Liz, always tried to be involved.
The wife is in no way saying that he is innocent , he owned up to the affair after he found out what Liz was really about: DESTRUCTION.
She definately controlled the affair and when the wife became suspicious, Liz told him exactly what to say to get her off their tail. She sent several emails of what to say and do and when they couldt hide it anymore , she verbally attacked his wife in emails and somehow made it the wifes fault in everyones eyes, except his. Even Lizs family stopped all communication with her. Liz came out of this as an innocent single mom who was taken advantage of. She manipulated the families and they believed her. Even his family tried to get Liz and him together on several occasions during the Dec 2012 visit , the Canadian declined every attempt they made.
After lots of counselling and support of the wifes family they have made a full recovery and their marriage is strong again. The Canadian mans family is still involved with Liz and because of this he is not close to them anymore. She tried to destroy this marriage and ended up destroying the family instead.
“ He lives in a defacto relationship wit Elizabeth Mazza in Yatala. He works for xxxxx in xxxxxx Brisbane. The reason he gives that he could not give his now ex wife spousal support was that Liz Mazza had lost her job as a result of being blamed for Kingsley having left his wife and she is suffering from stress. That he was the soal support of her and her 5 dependants. So he isonce again using children as his excuse to manipulate the system. I cant give my wife financial support as i now have another family to support?.”
Its not clear on why the website says 5 dependants , Liz only has 3 . One from the Canadian, and the next 2 she tried to say was from the same man. When SCOTT left her for cheating on him, she took him to court for child support, he asked for a DNA test to be done. He sadly found out that only one of the 2 was his, the other father being some creep that everyone was scared of and who she was cheating on him with.
If Kingsley is claiming that he has no money to support you then the courts have to take Lizs money into concideration , DO NOT settle for anything less than what is owed to you. Clearly she left her job so that they could say she has no income and to say she had to leave because of emotional stress......... Lis IS the cause of the stress.
“But in July 2012 Elizabeth Mazza re-registers a company she had registered in 2007 in her name previously, Safer Aussie Workers. Then in June 2014 after Kingsley officially moved in with her she starts up and registers another company, ZeeTac Training and Consulting.”
THERE WERE EMAILS FROM liz in regards to a huge upset at work and how she hated everyone and that she was going to have to leave, she simply said that she could not take it any longer, it was time to leave and she may not be able to afford the trip to Canada to see him in December 2012. This was somewhere between March and May 2012. Then she informed him that she was setting up a new company and all was going to be ok. This new company ended up being the one she reopened in July 2012. Soooooo, this whole work upset ended up because of her affair with Kingsley. Yet, she WAS STILL WITH the Canadian too.Sounds like she was trying to get money out of this Canadian man ..... and failed . But had Kingsley to fall back on.
The latest company she made up is ZeeTac.... Her girls names are Zara, Taya, and Chloe. ZeeTac.... Z-Zara, E- Elizabeth, ( not sure of the other E), T-Taya and C- Chloe.
So in a nutshell, Liz is exactly like Kingsley. She was involved with TWO married men at the same time. She knew EXACTLY what was going on.... She knew what Kingsley was telling you , just like the Canadian was telling his wife.....Both the Canadians and Kingsleys emails were so alike to the real wives. All, “ I love you and only you”, “ nothing is goin on with Liz”, and “ to trust that what they were doing is for the best of the family”. ... etc ..etc... etc...
I highly doubt that Kingsley knew how involved Liz was in orchastrating the affair with the Canadian. I think Liz is the ringleader in all this. She just found someone as destructive as her. Lets hope that they are meant to be together and that stops them from hurting everyone in their paths. So PLEASE , do not feel in any way that Liz is innocent in all this They deserve each other. We are all glad that she is no longer a part of our lives. Her and Kingsley are nothing but bottom feeders who live off hurting others..
What goes around, comes around.Karma is a bitch.
PERMISSION WAS ASKED AND GIVEN BY THE PERSON WHO WROTE THE EMAIL TO PUBLISH IT ON HERE. The senders details are available if they should be required. But until then will remain concealed.
A link to a very interesting article that i was sent. Read more at:::
https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/8-ways-narcissists-destroy-confidence-self-image/
It’s worth reading the full article especially the comments from all over the world at the bottom of it, i have cut and pasted one of the comments to give you a taste of what hundreds of different people have said.
8 WAYS A NARCISSIST DESTROYS YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF IMAGE.
Narcissism is on the rise – This worrying trend makes it all the more important to educate yourself about the narcissist and how they operate so that you may protect yourself from their influence. With this in mind, we’re going to explore some of the many ways in which a narcissist will seek to corrupt your mind, suck the confidence out of you, and bulldoze their way through the image you have of yourself. Let’s dive straight in and explore the 8 most damaging ways that a narcissist will act towards others.
The belittling phrases they aim at you...Narcissists are very careful about the words they choose and they try to use phrases that aid their goals and indulge their ego. Often, when their words are aimed at other people, they are designed to confuse and upset their targets. They will say things such as “you’re too sensitive” or “you’ve misunderstood me” to make you think that your reaction to them is unjustified and that you must be projecting your own, personal issues. Or they might play the classic “I hate drama” card when tensions are rising to suggest that you, and not they, are the source of the conflict when, in fact, they are to blame. Narcissists will probably have a handful of these destructive phrases that they like to use regularly, so watch out for this trait as a clear sign that you’re dealing with one.
The snipes they direct at you...Continuing on the theme of what a narcissist might say, you should be wary of someone who often seeks to put other people down – both to their face and behind their back. Such sly comments are subtle, but they are filled with negativity. While they may not seem like much in isolation, when they occur regularly, they can be incredibly damaging to the person they are directed at.
Its always the other person’s fault….A narcissist never believes that they have done wrong; if anyone is to blame in their eyes, it is always someone else. To admit guilt would be like a dagger to the heart of a narcissist’s ego, so they will seek to shift the responsibility onto those around them. Sometimes they will go to extraordinary lengths to link another person to problems of their own making; nothing is off the table as far as they are concerned. But to the person they are blaming, it is often an utterly confusing and stressful accusation that casts doubt in their minds and makes them feel unsure about their actions.
They seek to instigate confrontation...Linked directly to the previous point about blame, a narcissist thrives in the field of battle and will actively create conflict between themselves and others (and also between 2 other people entirely) as a way to create a false sense of superiority and importance. Narcissists actually enjoy drama; they feed off it and use it as a tool to achieve their aims. They are the ones who constantly stir, who will have no qualms about spreading rumours or secrets about others, and who will fuel the fires through whatever means they can. But for most other people, constant arguments are harmful to their self-esteem, and non-stop drama is a drain on their energy reserves.
They bend the truth and insist you are wrong...As we have just discussed, a narcissist is always on the lookout for opportunities to stir up confrontation and they are not afraid to use lies to get their way. They will take the truth, distort it, and insist that you are wrong when you try to tell it like it is/was. They will make you doubt yourself, your memory, and your beliefs by projecting a false sense of reality onto you. And if you claim to have proof, they will deny its existence or accuse you of fabricating it to make them appear stupid.
They will seek to get others on their side….Before or during an argument, which they themselves have probably initiated, they will endeavour to gain as much support from other people as they can. They will lie and manipulate others into believing their side of the story and then use these people as weapons to harm and defeat their opponents. This is especially true when someone tries to leave a narcissistic partner behind; the narcissist will do whatever it takes to convince their family and friends, and their partner’s family and friends, into taking their side. Their ultimate goal is to get their partner to change their mind and rekindle the relationship. ADDED NOTE::::: “”””” Remember that this was the tactic used by Elizabeth to get her oldest daughter father to leave his wife for her and when that didn’t work she turned his family against him and moved on to Kingsley as the next choice. ”””””””
They seek out individual triggers.... A narcissist is a master at identifying the insecurities and emotional triggers in others. They quickly pick up on these during the early stages of a friendship or relationship and then bring them out to use against an individual when it serves their purpose. Such behaviour is soul destroying for the other person who will experience a great deal of anguish every time their vulnerability is exposed by the narcissist.
They have Jekyll and Hyde personalities…. A narcissist can be utterly charming and polite when they want to be; indeed, this is often how they lure their victims into friendship and more. They will only act in such a manner, however, when it is required, and the act is quickly dropped when someone has been hooked and reeled in. They can turn this charisma on and off at will, so when you’ve reached your wits end and threaten to break off all ties with them, the smooth character you initially met comes back. This switch back and forth between personalities is extremely confusing for the other person and it can blind them to the truth that lay underneath. Not knowing whether you will experience Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde when engaging with a narcissist makes it difficult to be your real self. This subduing of character can deprive you of your freedom and enjoyment.
So there we have it, 8 of the most common ways in which a narcissistic individual destroys the confidence, self-belief and self-image of other people. Be vigilant for these signs when meeting new people and if you get a whiff of narcissism, run in the opposite direction.
Kelly Mcconnell ·
Red Deer College
Narcissism feels like a slow and fatal disease. Being subjected to it kills your soul and sincere optimistic view on life one day at a time. Some actually never make it out of those relationships!! Well I say "run". I once considered myself a strong woman who found a lesson in every moment of life, and always tried to be a good, honest hardworking woman, daughter, loving mother, wife and long term friend ���, but now have no self esteem. It is like I am a magnet for narcisistic people and i forgave too often. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing people, both friends and family and life can be awsome when you get away from toxic situations and people and stay away from potential new ones. I have learned to keep my circle small with the people I can trust because I am such an easy target as i feel there is good in most everyone. Now in this day and age am wondering what went wrong with people's ability to be selfless. I live by rules that make life easy, and I too had to learn, mostly honesty and love for others. While tempers may rise and we all do stuff that we wish we wouldn't have and forgivness is essentiAl in life, we have to look at the behaviour and control the negativity and treat people the same that you would want to be treated. It's about treating each other fair. It would save a lot of heartache if all people had that opinion. It is going to be a soul saver for me.
Now knowing how to spot narcsism on a dime �, I am realizing its been with me my whole life and i accepted it for decades. I can finally say it will never happen again as I will be putting myself first, after my dogs, kids and grandkids of course, lol (who am I try in to kid). I hope more people realize the symptoms and work towards a cure. Like me, it could be someone so close, like your close friend��� your mother, husband. I really never realized i lived with it most of my life until recently and I thankfully i know I will never live with it again. It can litterally drive you crazy. Narcissism can be very hard to break free of, but eventually you have to say "no more" and cut ties of the are unwilling to recognize the problem . I hope this helps at least one person get the courage to move on with their lives in a positive way or get help with the narcissistic behaviour. Narcissism is a pandemic that needs to be eradicated. Maybe the problem is some people were never taught how to treat others properly, only taught to be better than everyone else. Peace out!!!!
May 1, 2017 5:59am
“ What it means when a Narcissist says he/ she loves you.”
By Athena Staik, Ph.D.
Dear Codependent Partner,
What I’m about to say is not something I’d never say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.
And that’s the whole point.
When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.
I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.
I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.
I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.
I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)
(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.
I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.
I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.
(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)
It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.
(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how it’s treated!)
(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)
I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).
I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.
“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all the “nice” weaklings I view as inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)
“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.
I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn or disapprove of you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.
I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for the weaklings who let me take advantage of them … like you!).
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. Training you to look up to me, never question me, and bow down with pleasure to serve me as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my end-goal — my drug of choice.
(You may have noticed how touchy I am at any sign that you would question me; I hate how fragile I feel in such moments, worried that failing to train you in silent submission could tarnish my image in the world, something I care about more than anything else, even life itself!)
And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel worthwhile, be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? Besides, it gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”
I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough, etc. — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.
I love how skillfully I manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as incapable of making me happy or manly — or as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.
I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may give you credit, or increase your sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses; and that instead, I return your focus to my unfulfilled needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.
I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring the only wants and needs you focus on are ones that serve my pleasure and comfort.
I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, and that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value and hold dear, to include those you move love and love and support you in return.
I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell of thinking they ever loved you; I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.
I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you, and your determination to be kind, brings to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.
While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps. (I could never appreciate or value you for this, how could I? I hate myself for needing these caring, yet unmanly gestures, which disgust me.)
I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report. It lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.
In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.
Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, seeing you as my fiercest competitor, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.
Forever love-limiting,
Your narcissist
PS: I really, really need help — but you CANNOT do this work for me (not without making things worse for both of us!). Remember, we’re co-addicted to each other, so we’d never go to an addict to get help, right?
Only a therapist, with experience in this, stands a chance, and even then, only if I choose to really, really, really let him/her! (That’s because I’d have to face my greatest fear that, not only am I not superior to those I regard as inferior, and thus not entitled to make and break rules as I please, but I’d also have to own — that my own actions, thoughts and beliefs about myself and others — are THE main cause of the suffering in my life … and changing them, THE solution. I could not would not ever want to do this for the sole reason that, from my worldview, only the feeble-minded and weak do such things! Death is better, than losing.)
Hi Jesse,
Hope your vacation, sabbatical was fun and interesting and that you come back with a refreshed view on things. I have finished reading Dianne’s journals , it was tough going at times and not just because they were hand written but there were things that was hard to read without shedding a tear and I had to frequently stop and leave it for awhile. I have transcribed the last few entries and have included them in this email. It’s too long to post on the comments section so perhaps you could post it on the new page section. I think those who regularly read the site will appreciate it.
20 May 2016
It has been almost 4 years since he started this and walked out the door with “I love you But I am confused!!” excuse, and everything that happened in the next year or so, with his twoing and froing, manipulation and lies and I have been asked how I feel about it now. Who am I now, where am I now, where do I see myself going. Writing things down has been as my therapist said, “” A way to express on paper to myself things that I could not face or talk about.”” I think this will probably be my last entry, I don’t need this outlet any longer, I can face things head on, well, maybe I cringe a bit but at least I don’t run from them. I am content with who I am, at peace with myself and life in general. I have to admit that the one thing I miss and lack at times is someone to share my life, to discuss the day’s events, to do the mundane things with, to cuddle up to at night but I also know that I probably won’t ever trust a man again to get that close, won’t ever put myself in the position of giving my heart, ever take the chance of being hurt again. Up until he came along I was content having been on my own for 9 years, I had male friends, never lacked for male company and had a couple of marriage proposals which I turned down because I didn’t want to try and replace Kevin in my heart, when you had had the best, why settle for less and I could not do that to any man I liked and cared about and I did care about them but not enough to give it my all and I was always honest about it with them right from the start. For over half my life I had known the love of a real man who I trusted and believed in, who loved me as I loved him, who never caused me pain or hurt me, we enjoyed the good times and worked through the bad times, where he showed his love, caring, trust and belief regardless of what the problems were, after all these years I still love and miss him. Love is not an emotion that just stops. So I now understand why I blamed myself, why I could not understand why?. How could someone tell you they love you and always will then do what he did, love does not work that way. I think the day I gave in was when with a quiver in his voice and tears in his eyes he said and I will never forget it, not because of what he said but because he made me believe him with his sincerity, “ I love you, want to spend my life with you, I don’t want to take Kevin’s place but I want to do what he would think was the right thing, you have walked alone for too long, I promise and vow that you will never walk alone again, that I will always walk by your side, I promise to always care for you and the family, to always be there for you and the family,” strong, loving words but simply designed to get what he wanted and he did not mean one single thing, he even wrote them in our marriage vows and again said them with tears in his eyes at our wedding ceremony. We had only been married for a year when he started the affair with Liz Mazza and then I found out that there were at least two other women he had affairs with before and during his screwing around with her. That’s why I felt so much guilt when he left, it must have been me and something I did wrong, I mean, how could anyone say that with such conviction and passion and not mean it? So I must be at fault. But I know now that it wasn’t me, it was him, he simply lied, so the guilt has been replaced with acceptance that I was not the cause.
May 24th. 2016. My birthday. In more ways than one.
I fully realize that what has happened is something that I will never forgive him for, too many lies and betrayal of my trust by him but there are a lot of issues between us that need to be resolved so that we can both move on with your lives, even I have enough common sense to see that. We are still and always will be tied together in this mess, even my therapist agrees with this, he said that we have a bond, not of love anymore but of something not quite finished or ended and that until it is finalised we will be connected in a way. I know that he will never get anywhere in his life until he does, as for me,, accepting what he did, knowing I was not to blame in any way, moving forward with my life, knowing it will never be the same as you can’t go backwards, has helped me settle for things as they now are, some with regret, some with guilt as in the boys, but resigned to the fact that I was used. He needs to do the same, accept and admit that what he did was wrong and say so not only to himself but to me as well, but unfortunately he never will, I know him better than he knows himself. He will always run from his problems, tell himself it never happened, he did nothing wrong, ignore it. I do utterly despise him but somewhere in there I feel slight regret and sadness that he felt it was the only way he knew how to get what he wanted. That is because I know what he had to endure as a child growing up, what the family situation was and can understand how that shaped his outlook on life. I mean the actual true version, not his fantasy version. On the other hand for using both Jacob and Michael the way he did, two little boys who were already emotionally damaged and he knew that , who trusted no one especially men, and who it took me two years to gain their trust and show that I really loved them and would not hurt them, he used them to get what he wanted, had them proud to call him their Dad, they both idolised him, then he tossed them away without a second thought , just like every male in their past had, showing them that once again they were worthless, destroying their lives is something I absolutely hate him for and it’s something I doubt I will ever change my mind on. I would like to see us both get to a place where if not forgiveness on my part at least being civil to each other and acceptance of past issues, they did happen and ignoring them won’t make them disappear and at least the courage to face them and try to repair some of the damage. But honestly I can’t see that ever happening, for a start he would have to admit to himself that he deliberately did this and that is something he can never do. As for that thing who pretends that she is a decent human being, who was described to me as “ A chubby ,dumpy, fake blond who thinks she is better than anyone else, who straight out lies, bends the truth, manipulates those around her and is so sneaky, vicious and devious that if she does not get her own way will destroy without remorse the person who dared to oppose her and come out looking like the victim, sounds sort of like him, well, she will find out eventually that he can lie and manipulate just as well as she does and she won no great prize nor will he stay faithful to her for too long , it’s just not in him to do that , sooner or later he will start looking around for her replacement but again she is the same and when she realises that the only prize she won was the booby prize and that because of him she has been exposed for what she really is and what she has really done to others , then she will start looking too. There are just too many lies and secrets between them to have any long term relationship, always suspicious of each other, always being on guard so as not to let anything slip out. Oh well, not my problem. J . I don’t think about him at all now, which is why I don’t read the website, I don’t want all this to come back, I sleep well without any help and simply get on with my life as best I can, accepting the past as happening but not quite finished or being over and done with. I still get the occasional flash back and nightmares, my therapist said that I probably will for a long time as PTSD is not easy to overcome but it will get better with time. I know and have accepted that I did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about as far as he is concerned. He is the one who is incomplete and damaged, not me and from what I have been told about her and what my therapist knows about him and her, then the” why” he picked her out of the several others he was screwing at the same time was explained as being most likely because she was handy, was someone he saw every day at work and it was the easiest option but also because on some level in his subconscious he saw himself in her, like attracts like.
29 th May 2016.
Done and dusted. I only have appointments with my shrink when I feel I need them and not on a regular basis like it has been. We went through what I had written above and talked about it. It’s all good. J I will see him again one day, we both know that, either by accident or design, with me it would be accidental as I will never deliberately go looking for him and I won’t turn or run like a scared chicken like I did the last two times I accidently saw him. If he does ever make the effort and choose to see me I can guarantee he won’t tell Liz if he is still with her or whoever he is with. He keeps his secrets and lies are a normal action for him. What would I do, I have been asked, honestly I don’t know, I might talk to him or just ignore him, and I might knock his teeth out, only time will tell. Lol. Not a good answer according to my therapist. J Think about it, he said. No reason to think about it because when it happens and it will, depending on the circumstances, I will simply react one way or the other.
1st June 2016
But think about it I did, after many sleepless nights when the truth came to me it was like a light going on and I realised that I had not done anything to cause this. My therapist agreed with me. You don’t stop loving someone because they died so in life you don’t stop loving someone unless you have a bloody good reason, and his “ I’m confused “ excuse does not cut it, by his screwing other women a year into our marriage and using the “ I’m confused” excuse while keeping me caring , trusting, supporting him financially and believing in him for the next year while he was “technically” with Liz Mazza , is and never was love in any way shape or form, it was manipulation and abuse until he got what he wanted, i.e. my death by suicide or a year’s separation before he could file for divorce without any problems. Any man who can have a sexual relationship with two or more women at the same time as well as his wife and tell them all that he loves them, lies about me with stories as to how badly I and my family treated him to the other woman and their families, that I used him and all the other crap which I have had those involved tell me, to get sympathy, keeps them a secret from each other while he chooses the best replacement, is not “ confused”, he is just a sick, greedy, selfish, manipulative bastard who cares about no one but himself and what he can get. The Viagra must have got a really good work out during that time. J There never was any feeling of love from him for me or it would seem for any of the others, it was all lies simply designed to get what he wanted. My therapist pointed out that as he had done this to others before me, he will do it to those that come after me, it’s his way of life, of getting what he wants, and it’s the only way he knows. He uses the poor me sympathy ploy as his bait and the promises of love to bind them to him. That my punching him might give me satisfaction for a few minutes and most people would agree with me doing it but it won’t solve the problem, just cause me more drama. That the most important thing I have to remind myself of is that the only thing I did wrong was to give my love and trust to a man who uses lies and manipulation to get what he wants, that he is a Narcissist who has no genuine feelings for anyone including himself, that he did not discard me for the love of another woman but for the desire to obtain what she could give him in status or material possessions at that time. That she was only chosen as my replacement from the several he had to choose from because at the time she had the most to give, was the most convenient and easiest at the time or so he thought. That it will not last because eventually he will become dissatisfied with her and look for the next woman who can give him what he feels is his right to have and that she no longer can provide. As she is so similar to him, being narcissistic as well, she will do the same, she got what she wanted for now but will always be scoping out the next conquest to give her what she wants and he no longer fulfils for her. So it will be a tossup as to which one of them does a runner first. Good point, but still my reaction will depend on me in the end. No more writing, well, maybe occasionally if anything interesting happens, I have found that it’s a good way to talk to myself and a way i can go back and reflect on what i was thinking at any given time and it helps me find the answers I’m looking for.
ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
Broadening the perspective of Narcissistic abuse by including it right alongside every other abuse. Let’s call it what it is Emotional and Psychological abuse that can occur in any life situation be it romantic, friendship, family, work, etc. Let’s also include and define it in terms that are recognizable to personal relationships OR Domestic Violence. So a little insight into how this perpetrator abuses!
What makes this abuse so damaging is that emotional/psychological abuse doesn’t stop the day you walk away from an emotionally abusive partner, loved one, friend, career or any relationship. Unfortunately, it will probably continue to affect you long after your abusive partner, relationship, or whatever connection is gone and REMAIN unless you discover what emotional/psychological abuse really is and how to STOP it and recover from it. It is unfortunate that this type of abuse is hard to identify and many if not all of these abusers walk among us unrecognized AND in every aspect of our lives (personal and professional.) What is NOT hard to recognize is the damage these abusers have inflicted onto their targets/victims and the huge loss and struggle associated with this abuse. Unfortunately the perpetrators of this abuse walk away unscathed and abuse a new target/victim.
Emotional/psychological abuse is any judgement, in ANY interpersonal relationship, from any source that humiliates, undermines, paralyses, makes you fearful, controls you or harms you. The Department of Justice defines this same pattern of abusive behavior as Domestic Violence as in an intimate relationship! In their words and definition it is any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological actions, or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. Abuse is abuse in any situation!
So some descriptors and definitions that apply to emotional and psychological abusers and how their toxicity is administered to all people and all relationships.
- Emotional and psychological abusers are controllers that ALWAYS run the show – think of them as dictators with an iron fist!
- The abuse and manipulation can come in either a physical form (actions) or at a deep emotional level in order to break the psyche to meet the abusers desires and needs.
- They create an omnipotent but FALSE façade as it concerns themselves where they are always portrayed as having a pristine, moralistic, and flawless lifestyle. They always have supporters to provide social proof of their magnanimous virtues to back them up – people they have manipulated with charm and lies. These supporters are basically their body guards to protect them from exposure of the truth or how disordered they are with their lies, betrayal, and how the extort life and people.
- Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people that are in any sort of relationship with them to believe or submit to the feeling that they have NO value outside the value THEY are given or are assigned to them by the abuser – PERIOD.
- Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people into a position of believing that submission, compliance and obedience are respect and even love.
- They DEMAND that their authority is ALWAYS respected, but they don’t model or reciprocate with ANY type of respect! What they really want is obedience!
- They do not live by their own professed teachings, values, rules, standards, or even laws – better yet they live by double standards.
- They misrepresent and DISTORT “right from wrong” and morality as it serves THEIR purpose or needs. They teach, imply, or present false truths that reinforce their agenda and personal desire to control.
- They make you jump through constant hoops in life making EVRYTHING so difficult to impossible! They back up their words with punishing actions.
- They lie, embellish, and CREATE false situations or cover ups with the tiniest bit of the truth to always misrepresent facts and avoid accountability as it concerns the truth about THEM.
- They instigate situations between people or triangulate, isolate, or divide and conquer. Then ask for your loyalty and respect as a factor in keeping their secret concerns about the person they are overtaking and isolating to hide their real motives and made up or false truths to put wedges in between people. This keeps the spotlight off of them and opposition between everyone around them.
- Emotional and psychological abusers misuse and manipulate their power in order to get what THEY want and to have things the way THEY want them. Many abusive bosses are quite adept at using this control over employees! Sometimes threatening is the adequate word to describe their persuasion.
- Emotional and psychological abusers can and will resort to cruelty. They will use jokes to poke fun at you or something you did, perhaps embarrass you and hope you react so they can make you wrong saying you are too sensitive or always overreact to things!
- Emotional and psychological abusers DEMAND that we don’t question them and manipulate you into believing that doing so is disrespectful. They reinforce their manipulation with rage that produces fear of their retribution. They will also isolate you with the silent treatment to invalidate your presence in their world!
- They are always right, they are always the expert that knows best PERIOD.
- The manipulative power they exert over you is always presented “for YOUR own good” as if it is valuable information to help you prosper and grow to be better than what you are – as in a person in need of their help. They just assume the role of superiority over people!
- They don’t respect or encourage individuality because that would limit their control over others. So they constantly exert their control and power to stay on top of their game.
- Emotional and psychological abusers do not live by their own definitions of “respect” “love” or “truth.” They completely betray people with a wide variety of actions.
- You are never a viable person with feelings, a voice, a presence, or allowed to have any positive validation or worth. You are ASSIGNED a submissive role and you must NEVER step out of that role!
- They DENY any accountability or wrongdoing as it concerns how they dehumanize people. They will always put the blame back onto the person they are abusing and even destroy their integrity. Sadistic describes the abuser perfectly.
Emotional/psychological abuse keeps you focused on the past and seeing the future only through the negative perspective of the manipulative and abusive relationship and the negative messages from them (the abusive person.) When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser will always remind you of everything that you may have ever done wrong and re-visit these wrongs constantly in a manner to make you BELIEVE that you will NEVER change for the better. Everything has a negative spin attached to it. This is managing down and devaluation to make you feel worthless in their eyes!
Emotional abuse may not leave any outward scars, but it can cause pain and fear for much longer than physical harm to the body. Many people believe that just because they do not suffer from physical abuse by their spouse, partner, relative, friend, boss, etc., that they are safe and it is not abuse. However, this is not the case because the scars are internal and the damage is psychological and can cause grief, fear, anxiety, depression and trauma for an entire lifetime! This type of abuse is like an odorless and tasteless poison to people’s minds! Both woman, men AND children suffer from emotional and psycholpsychological abuse or mental torture from abusers.
Psychological or emotional abuse happens when the other party erodes your sense of self-esteem or self-worth and literally has a hold over your mind. Your sense of self-worth becomes destroyed in the process so much so that you no longer dare to challenge what is being said to you or about you. Basically is it fear of their retribution. The abuser exerts their power over you in degrees of punishment, or isolation, depending on your reaction to them or if you don’t acquiesce to their demands. You believe in the stories, words, and negative actions against you and most of them are not even true to begin with. Your abuser spins a web of lies to control your behavior and for his/her own selfish motives or to control you. Control and power are tools and the technique that the abuser asserts over people that are in their personal life! In reality it is the ABUSER that is probably right down there with the other lower forms in society, but those dark secrets are well hidden under a cloak or façade of superiority and morality. The abuser actually projects their faulty parts and weaknesses onto you in a manner to take the shame away from them.
Emotional abusers do what they do to gain power over you. Consequently, you feel like you are being controlled and every single movement you make is being watched, OR the feeling that you are walking on eggshells. You fear making decisions, in fact, you find it difficult to make one without consulting your ‘abusing’ partner. You are ALWAYS explaining yourself! You end up losing your confidence in your own abilities, incapable of rational thinking. Your reality has been distorted by constant manipulation, devaluation and managing down. In time your self-esteem and self-worth are held completely captive by the gravity of your abuser!
The minute you make “a mistake” or do something that your abuser or controller decides is “wrong”, they purposely became inflamed and basically reprimand you with the proof that you are a failure, a liar, crazy, a misfit, just like they have said all along. Abusers will often do this publically, twisting the truth and making sure that others agree that you are the crazy one. Usually they will do this so eloquently and behind your back. The abusive controller/manipulator will always make sure that the blame never falls on them to avoid being exposed as the psycho bully they really are. This is a very big part of how emotional and psychological abuse works. No matter what the real truth is, it never comes into the equation because the final thoughts, words, and actions are always the abusers spin to reinforce their agenda! They have a powerful and direct voice that they use to command and bark out their carefully cloaked lies and manipulations to always get their way. The emotional and psychological abuse surrounds the target/victim with such uncertainty that it isolates them from reality.
Abusers will essentially mentor and shape you with their delusional propaganda and agenda to control you, then they will mistreat and devalue you, and then take your voice away. This is all part of the agenda to BREAK YOU! Then they will reject you because you are broken and add more blame/shame and wrong to the many layers that they have already created. This is the cycle of devaluation or abuse! They recreate you, then break you, then blame you, then comfort you and start the process over and over again creating a dizzying and confusing circle and endless maze.
Basically they are labeling and BRANDING you with THEIR own emotionally and psychologically abusive actions as not good enough, not lovable, not the way that “they” want you to be and YOU are a disappointment and a failure. This is how they ‘play’ love! BUT they are manipulating you into believing and even convincing you that YOU are completely responsible for their negative reactions toward you AND it is YOUR fault that you are not lovable or good enough. You even become compliant because they are relentless and constantly trying to make you explain or prove yourself to them! You become so confused in believing that you are not good enough and so brainwashed that you finally believe them. Usually there is a bond of love that keeps you attached to the abuser’s hip or it could be a relationship that you MUST have or cannot avoid with your abuser! They will trick you once in a while with a little bit of reinforcement or love but it short lived and there to keep you in the cycle of abuse OR they want something. They break your spirit to make you dependent on them because they cannot have a healthy relationship that allows the other person to be an individual or to grow with them in ANY healthy manner so they create a trap to keep you chained to them. They are not wired to relate with care and empathy or to grow with love so instead they control you to keep you there with them until they are done with you or bored and then they move on to the next target/victim to extort completely and use up.
They constantly define you through their abusive connection or bond and you MUST realize that it is up to you to take your identity and power back! You MUST redefine yourself by purging the abuse and negative messages out of your head and life and see that THEY are disordered and have only manipulated and dehumanized you to make you believe that you are worthless. That is where they acquire their power over you and you must shut it off completely. This is how they manage people because they are totally defective and damaged inside! They cannot internalize any sort of a connection with a person that would allow individuality because they fear that they will lose control. Unfortunately they take control to a destructive level and imprison your thoughts and life and you basically become their servant. They are dangerous to people and life and destroy families, organizations, careers, or basically any part of life they become enmeshed in!
When you are in the thick of an abusive entanglement it becomes so difficult to even know HOW to define yourself because you become so lost in the control, manipulation and that fog that they encased you in. You probably even doubt that you HAVE the strength to take your life back because you are so beaten down, BUT you do. You MUST break the cycle of the manipulative controller and take a complete stand against being falsely accused, blamed, and shamed for EVRYTHING. You must not surrender to anything that this abuser does or says and realize that you are NOTHING of who or what they made you believe you were. You must see that they are the sick person here to dehumanize people in the manner they do. You must walk completely away from them and NEVER return! They are seriously disordered and have become sadistic and destructive to somehow compensate for their own inferiority and failures. They will not seek help or even see that they have a severe problem.
Emotional and psychological abusers have to keep us in a distorted spin because if we break through the cycle of their abuse or that ‘fog’ for one second, we might realize that they are wrong or better yet that they ARE sadistic abusers! They know we will recognize how very pathetic they are so controllers and abusers quickly defer to a statement or event that proves their delusional points over and over again – that is why you never feel a balance with them or achieve closure. They are relentless with their pursuit of control so don’t look to fixing anything about them or getting into their head to understand them! They have had an entire life to fix themselves and they have always chosen to deny their reality and continue abusing people. You are/were just the next person in a long line of people they have damaged and they are already onto a new target/victim.
You may get a tiny little bit of encouragement now and then but it will be met with more manipulation and control to keep you under their spell AND control! What they say in their deliverance of an attack usually has nothing to do with reality or any current situation. Psychological and emotional abusers create diversions and confusion, or again that heavy fog that will distort your reality and put you right back into blame, shame, and under their control. You have no real identity or a voice with a psychological or emotionally abusive person because you are merely an object. If you resist they will only step their game up to destroy what they can of you until you comply. They are destructive psycho bullies and their words, so called truths, and proof is ALWAYS designed to take you down. You don’t resist because of this negative and debilitating conditioning, but you are glued to them because you care, love or respect them (emotional bond.) You have to break that bond and you must respect the truth that YOU deserve more than their dehumanizing and sadistic treatment!
AGAIN – Psychological and emotional abuse brainwashes you into taking whatever bad or negative things your abuser says about you as the gospel truth. They spin you into such a web of confusion and deceit that the very confusion they put you in undermines your reality and then you believe they must be right and it becomes a way of life for you! You will even end up looking like the ‘crazy one’ that they have made you out to be to the outside world. The abuser is invested in this managing down and devaluation and THEY need you to believe it too so they can maintain that control and power over you! JUST SAY NO!
They will also try to convince you that it is just you being too sensitive, or maybe too demanding, angry, insubordinate, or too unreasonable. If you EVER respond to them with a question concerning their words, they try to convince you that this is for YOUR own good or out of concern and they are only trying to help you out, BUT they never help, and they only make you more wrong or HINDER. So again you end up thinking that it is you! Then because it is just words you don’t often define it as abuse! We all make mistakes and do things wrong, but when a person keeps you locked up in a negative pattern that constantly defines you as wrong, always making mistakes, worthless, unlikeable, unlovable, LESS THAN THEM, etc., and you have no way of ever changing this, that is psychological or emotional abuse and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE as it concerns a relationship!
Until you understand this completely and become adept at recognizing the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse you will continue to suffer from it in your life. Be it someone you are in a relationship with, family, friends, a boss, acquaintances and even strangers that behave in ways that are consistently hurtful or careless of your feelings THEY ARE ABUSIVE. You will allow and internalize other people’s abusive judgements of yourself and even become that description of you until you discover how to identify them and get rid of them by getting them out of your life once and for all. You will confuse abuse with ‘being realistic’ as it concerns your reality. If you assign or internalize these negative messages from abusive people that PRETEND they care, you will believe that you are damaged and it will hinder and disable your life. You will begin to believe that your happiness or success in life is defined through these distorted people AND those negative messages will become internalized and find a home in your head and heart.
Realize that only you hold the power and you are the only person who has power over yourself. As simple as this sounds after being in a horrendous and abusive relationship, it is just the truth. YOU must STOP the abuser and take their power away. You must become confident in the fact that YOU are good enough and even amazing. You have to realize that you have been subjected to the abusive behaviors of a seriously disordered person PERIOD. One reason why you have been subjected to emotional and psychological abuse is that you have handed your power over to this person. Be it fear, manipulation, love or whatever tactic this person exerted over you can also be broken by you. You have recognized the truth of your situation, so now you can move forward into a healthy place to heal.
The time will come when you will know that enough is enough and refuse to be held hostage by the mental torture and you will WANT to move on AND possibly the reason why you are here today. It is completely possible to overcome psychological and emotional abuse and regain the confidence and control that you may have lost to an abusive partner. By protecting ourselves from being manipulated at the emotional level, we are able to free ourselves once and for all from the dehumanization and violation of our free will. It will also shift your consciousness from the state of fear and intimidation which is a byproduct of the abuse imposed on us by these emotional manipulators and vampires. THEN we can shift away from any debilitating mind state – call it deprograming, or desensitizing the negative messages or the abuse but it HAS to be done by completely breaking the bond with them.
You must lock up those doors that allow negative people to get at your real goodness. It means change, but it doesn’t mean changing the person you ARE, it means adjusting boundaries and healing weak spots that exist deep down inside of you. This is understanding and accepting that this horrible abuse has happened into your life and getting past it and to your healing. Your abuser is a lost cause and destructive to you. Leave them behind, and don’t put your energy into helping or healing THEM because they are what made you unhealthy in a manner that is a crime. What you invested in them is just a huge loss, so you have to accept that so that you will reinvest in YOUR own future. You can’t possibly get into their head to understand what they are and what they do – BUT they are quite adept at getting back into your head and starting the abuse right back up. So remove the coefficient that damaged you or the abusive person and replace them with positive healing and healthy thoughts and people. Recreate your boundaries to protect yourself from these negative and destructive people. No/minimal contact is where you start!
An important note: The Narcissist is never going to give up their secrets or that they are disordered. It is up to the targets/victims to define this abuse with their voices and knowledge to bring about awareness and viable help to other victims of this abuse. The Narcissist would only provide lies and manipulate if they were ever in a position to have to define their actions. So it is up to us to define it through our experiences and share them with the world. This will enable therapists and the behavioral sciences to understand the debilitating aspects of this abuse and help them treat the real trauma from this abuse and not just symptoms. Greg
We all have an expiration date with a Narcissist! Understanding the attachment to a Narcissist! The denial and cognitive dissonance that distorts our normal reality.
Jul 16. ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial. The denial is based on the emotional connection (love) because a target/victim hangs on to the belief that this Narcissist loved them and it is very hard to let go of that. A normal person just can’t turn love OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because love is a tool they use to con people! They DON’T love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it! So we all had an expiration date that was set in stone by the Narcissist when something newer came along.
Because there was LOVE involved with this person (the Narcissist,) we believe that they could have NEVER committed the atrocities that stand before us! Love is a VERY strong emotional attachment! It is virtually impossible to TRULY accept the hideous reality that the person who claimed to be the love of your life, or a parent, brother/sister, or even your loving best friend is actually a Malignant Narcissist that ABUSES you. No way, this was the real thing, this person totally LOVED you and you loved them. It was SO REAL and you just can’t ascertain that someone could be that adept at conning you into LOVING them and then being so toxic in your life! You try to justify this over and over again and you keep returning to this powerful emotion that you shared reciprocal LOVE with your Narcissist. Yes you do feel love because you are NORMAL and can love – but that is all you are feeling the love YOU have for THEM!
You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!
Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel shabby about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating with love.
I think most of us know the root of the problem, but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering?
Was there anyone else (like the Narcissist) involved in the process to make this relationship work or right again or was there actually someone that was making everything wrong (the Narcissist?) Did you ever have a firm grip on this relationship as far as security and a future? Were you ALWAYS walking on thin ice and feeling that at any given moment it would break and you would fall through and drown? Were you giving EVERYTHING you had and received nothing in return? What if ANYTHING actually CHANGED with the extreme attempts that you made to fix this relationship! You and I changed as a result of all of this – we gave most of ourselves away because we were dealing with a psychological abuser and terrorist that PLAYED with us in a cat and mouse manner, and they were so good at it! Yes we changed and lost so much of ourselves in this horrendous game only because we were conned into BELIEVING A HUGE LIE by a manipulative and self-serving creature! So much of our belief system was shattered as well as our innocence as it concerned how another human being could hate and deliberately destroy another human being’s life. THEN we realize that we loved this monster that did all of this. That is the mistake we have made MANY times, the one where we start looking inward and applying blame to ourselves in many ways, as well as denying that this couldn’t be real love and the whole vicious cycle starts and repeats itself over and over again. It is OUR emotional bond that has us attached at the hip to the Narcissist and that is what keeps you hanging on.
These were just some ‘examples’ and observations as it concerned my relationship with a Narcissist and ONLY the tip of the iceberg! It is also familiar or very similar to what many other targets/victims have experienced. Ask yourself how you feel today (post abuse?) Let’s say it is a few months to a few years AFTER this relationship ended. Do you still feel very alone and just so worn out. Do you feel a sense of worthlessness like you don’t have a place in this life like you use to? Do you feel hurt by many things that surrounded the relationship and can’t get to a real closure yet? Are you still wondering WHY? Do you feel like you are avoiding life in many ways like getting back out there with friends and you definitely don’t want to think about getting into another relationship? Are YOU the spouse that has accepted ALL the responsibilities as far as raising the kids from this relationship and still enduring the highs and lows because of the lack of involvement from your ex and regular bouts of chaos? Do you keep tabs on what and where your ex Narcissist is in life and feeling that they have moved on and doing good and you are JUST STUCK? Do you feel disabled in many ways?
With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused by a predator. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because they are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?
This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative and cunning person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden they realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and abusing them. REALLY? They have been sending this message to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? So they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!
Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find better supply because you just weren’t serving them and they got bored and went out looking for something better! There was never any real love! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and dysfunctional people that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running. Don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST!
You are disabled by their HUGE con and not truly capable of accepting any partof the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma – the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist.
You were akin to being a personal lab rat for this Narcissist that was reinforced and shocked so many times that you learned how to respond to the stimuli that was presented to you. You were confined in a cage with a water bottle and a dispenser that would basically give you a few pellets of food when you responded the way you should have. Your life was totally controlled by another. If you didn’t respond correctly you would be shocked with a jolt of electricity that drove the point home to change your behavior to get that life sustaining food. Even when you were performing normally you were still shocked now and then to comply with whatever NEW conditions were set for you. This was basically behavioral modification to make you serve a destructive creature that was so very clever with their deception and choice of poison to get you to this place BUT hid it all behind a mask of sanity like they were your savior and the GOOD person.
SO today you are left with all of those messages that modified your beliefs about this relationship and yourself. Seriously it is very sad to know this and to have to believe this. NOW you are free and out of that cage but you are still left in that mode of trying to respond the way you were conditioned to and hanging on to the wrong beliefs. This is what psychological abuse is all about – conditioning and control! It sounds a little bit crazy of course, but positive/negative behavioral modification is part of our everyday life. That is why there are laws, rules and regulations to protect good people and avert crime. But behavioral modification to gain power and control over another person in a manner to subjugate them is psychological abuse, sadistic, and basically terrorism! This is a Narcissist’s modus operandi or mode of operation that they willfully choose to extort life and people!
At some point in your relationship the evidence of your Narcissist’s highly disturbed/distorted personality reared its ugly face, especially once this Narcissist was no longer invested in you (the devaluation and discard phases.) Then the Narcissist no longer makes a significant effort to keep his/her invented and fake mask of deception on. Then total denial is no longer possible with you but the damage is already done. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst wide open and a whole new set of inconsistencies, horrendous lies, manipulations, criticism, rage and emotional/psychological abuse flows through to the surface of your consciousness and becomes a new reality! Unfortunately the behavioral modification and psychological abuse still keeps you locked up in that cage hanging on and believing. If there is no one there to totally release you and stop those messages they stay with you for a very long time and you want to run back to the comfort of that cage and keep pressing on that bar in hopes that you will receive a few pellets of reinforcement where there is none! You hold on to the distorted beliefs that this was love and you bend so much so that you practically snap in half.
It is virtually impossible to absorb such painful information AND the truth all at once. Your heart still yearns for what you were persuaded to believe during the ‘love bombing’ that this WAS somehow love! Your mind is still overwhelmed with the memories of the so called good times with the Narcissist. Yet, the truth about the infidelity, the constant lies and deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing, the constant breakups and returns can no longer be denied because the truth is staring at you in the eyes! You can’t undo the damage AND everything you have learned about the Narcissist. You can’t return to the point of original innocence and the total blindness. The ‘end result’ is this contradictory existence and a HUGE internal battle clinging to the denial or accepting the real truth. How many times did you do this in the relationship by returning to a day or two of fake happiness and then it was right back to the same old same old? This is the definition of cognitive dissonance!
Cognitive dissonance is this inner contradiction concerning the target/victim’s attitude towards their abuser (the Narcissist.) It is by far not logical or normal thinking, but more of a defense mechanism for coping with the extreme deception, domination, control and abuse. Targets/victims engage in cognitive dissonance, in an attempt to reconcile the contradictory actions, words and behavior of a toxic or disordered individual that has taken over their lives. Yes taken over their lives!
The denial takes on several different forms. First it can manifest itself as hanging onto the idealization (believing it WAS love) or still hanging onto the false hopes and beliefs from thetrap that lured you in (the love bombing!) It can also shift in a manner that we do blame ourselves for what went wrong with the relationship or perhaps even shifting the blame to the person that the Narcissist was cheating with or the new supply (the ‘other’ man or woman) instead of holding the Narcissist accountable for their actions! It is by far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship. Remember the ‘new supply’ is no part of this and they are being conned and psychologically abused as well. It is only a matter of time that the ‘new supply’ will be in this same place!
Have you justified infidelity during your time with this Narcissist? Did you hold onto the belief that after this lurid ‘new’ affair was over with that things would go back to normal – or even after the discard the Narcissist would return to you because THEY LOVE YOU! Did you justify or deny that the affair or the new supply exists in a manner that they are just not real or temporary as it concerns your future and getting back with the Narcissist so you just accept or justify this! Do you sit there, waiting and believing that your Narcissist is going to knock at your door and come back to you? How many times did this Narcissist do this to you during the course of the relationship by always using deception to cover up so many lies and betrayal? That is the REAL message right there! You are not anything real to this Narcissist and replaceable! In time you do actualize the truth that they aren’t there in any normal sense of a viable relationship!
So more than often target/victims project the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was YOUR fault as we were made to believe! We got there because we accepted all of the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND our emotions led us there. What did we do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Was I not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t I give enough, do I REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said. Did I, could I, should I, if I? It is always the same coefficient from the Narcissist constantly managing you down and it always became OUR issues and never holding this monster accountable for what was only psychological abuse. We never get it that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we live with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize reality or accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissists doesn’t fully sink in on the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL. Plus we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!
This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist.) Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. That is where the incredulous stories and lies come from as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on you (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them!
Because you put up with the emotional and psychological abuse from this Narcissist you were with for such a long time and because the devaluation phase was also so long and drawn-out, you have absorbed AND accepted these particular beliefs despite everything you NOW know about this Narcissist’s inability to love or even care about others. In time and with no contact, the rational knowledge and emotional beliefs that this was real love will merge so you can accept this duality of what you believed and what is really the ugly truth. The last bits and pieces of this totally distorted illusion of this Narcissist loving you will diminish so the real healing CAN begin! BUT you have to put the effort there to stop the messages as well as anything that concerns them or you will constantly spin your wheels and stay stuck in this victim mode and BLAMING yourself. The reality here is that this was abuse!
Cognitive dissonance is part of the disabling process of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist and doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.
So what is related to this cognitive dissonance is that the Narcissist still has a form of power over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your brain AND heart. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another the Narcissist’s opinions still somehow matter to you (those old message still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling and abusive bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you.
Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention! Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and really a monster! TheseThese are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again! This was the first step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!
What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE. Greg
29/01/17
MXXXXX.60@outlook.com
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
Hi Michael,
Thank you for the information, I knew most of it already. The agreement he wrote is a contract and any contract either verbal or written is legally binding. The trouble is that if one party refuses to honour the contract, “him”, then the other party, “me”, has to take them to court and I have been informed by a solicitor that I stand a very good chance of winning the case but like all legal matters it’s not a foregone conclusion, it could take months or years to go through the courts for which I would have to pay the legal costs which would not be cheap and then it would be an ongoing battle to get him to pay up. I simply do not have the money to do this. The drama of the divorce and getting a small financial settlement from him to cover all the debts he left me with, cost me $23,000.00 in legal fees which came out of the settlement, because he dragged things out and sacked his solicitor, he could not afford one was his excuse, so everything had to go through and be done by my solicitor, who informed me that at least a third of my legal costs were expenses that he should have paid his own solicitor to do. So can you imagine the drama, stress and emotional state he would put me through if I did take it to court? Unless I had the money for legal costs then it’s simply not worth it, and to be honest, I think even if I did have the money I still would not bother, let him think he got away with it because he will pay for it in the end in different ways. As for the suicide, yeah, well, maybe he did me a favour in the long run, he coerced and manipulated me into it , convincing me he was so confused and really did love me that we would die together, the fact that he did not do it, ignored me for months when I was in hospital and filed for divorce three days after he was told I had survived it, finally showed me just what he did think and how he set it all up and what he was really like. So I will let it go and I know that someone somewhere will eventually take him on and he will get what he deserves. As for her, just a waste of breathing space and she will get hers in the end as well. I will admit that should I ever run into her in the future then she better have a good dental plan because she will need it and spending a couple of months in jail would be worth it , that’s if any judge would sentence me after he hears the whole story. Lol.lol.
The website has been read by thousands of people all over the world and it has made a lot of people question who he and she really are, also it gives anyone who crosses their paths in the future a fighting chance to get out before it’s too late.
So thank you for your support I do appreciate it. I take it one day at a time, enjoy my solitude when I want it and have my family and friends around when I want to. I don’t have the best of everything in material possessions, can’t go away for weekends etc or on holidays, or out for dinner like they do but I like my life and as long as I am careful and live within my means then I don’t want for much. At least I am back to where I owe no one anything. Debt free again. . More than either of them can say.
Keep passing the website on to people and eventually both of them will come unstuck.
This was sent to me by a relative of his and its true. “Sometimes you just need to talk about something – not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”
With Thanks
Dianne.
angiexxxsimpson@xxxxxxx.com
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
03/02/17 8.47am
Good Morning.
First I will say that I do not know either of these people and am happy to have missed out on that experience. But I have known someone who was and is exactly the same as them.
I stumbled across the website, www.kingsleywright.com on my search for answers to a very similar experience, as several websites that deal with narcissism make reference to it. In a strange way it was a comfort to know that someone else had had the same experience with not just one but two of these warped creatures and survived it, which showed me that I was not to blame and could survive as well. So I am sending you an article that has helped me quite a lot and hope it does for you as well. If you post it on your site hopefully it will help others who have been or are going through the hell that we both have endured and perhaps show those around them who still find it difficult to accept that they are not who they make themselves out to be to see the truth.
Many thanks
Angela Simpson
Understanding How Sociopaths Think: Why It is Good to Ask Why
Sociopaths must spend their entire lives watching others and learning to imitate behaviors that they are unable to engage in naturally. All Sociopaths are Narcissists.
So often during this recovery process, I have been told by others—those who have been targeted by sociopaths and those who have not—that it does not matter why the sociopath did what he did. Focus on you, they said. Figure out why you were vulnerable and what kind of behavior patterns you need to change. It does not matter why the sociopath lied to/cheated on/manipulated you, they said. Focus on YOU! Although they meant well, their words did not help me.
It is absolutely important and necessary to be introspective and learn everything we can about ourselves as we try to crawl our way out of the darkness. However, that kind of self-discovery can and should wait. Before that (and along with it), it is necessary to make sense out of what has happened to us so that we can build a foundation for healing. And for many of us, immediately after we realize we have been deceived and betrayed, the burning thought in our minds is…WHY??? Why did the sociopaths lie so much? Why did they work so hard to convince us that they loved us, only to discard us so callously? Why did they spend so much time with us, if they never, ever cared for us? Why did they keep things going with us as they pursued other “relationships”? Why did they suddenly turn into completely different people? Why do they make us feel like we are going crazy? And the list goes on and on…
We can find the answers to these WHY questions by understanding how, exactly, sociopaths operate. By “understanding,” I do not mean that we can or should emotionally understand their behavior or excuse it in ANY way. I mean that we can and should intellectually understand their behavior because, by doing so, we find new wisdom and we take back our power! Below, I summarize the main concepts I learned about the sociopathic mind from various experts in the field:
Sociopathy lies on a spectrum
Sociopaths are not easily identified. In fact, it can be exceptionally difficult to determine if someone is a sociopath. Even professionals are easily fooled, and many counselors have a poor understanding of personality disorders in general. In addition, some people exhibit more sociopathic traits than others, which is why sociopathy lies on a spectrum. Some sociopathic people are very obviously egotistical, for example; others are much more covert in their narcissism. That is just one example of the differences. Perhaps this is why several terms have been used to describe people who exhibit abnormal personality traits, including sociopath, psychopath, and narcissist. To further add to the confusion, psychologists, therapists, and researchers do not agree on which terms should be used or how they should be defined. Despite this controversy, the fact remains that a person who exhibits any number of sociopathic traits is toxic and should be avoided.
Sociopaths lack a conscience
Sociopaths know the intellectual difference between right and wrong. They understand society’s expectations. They understand what moral behavior is supposed to look like. They even understand that actions have consequences. The problem is, they do not care. They do not feel remorse or guilt. They have no inner compass to guide them, and so they do exactly what they want at any given moment. This lack of conscience means that it does not matter to them if they trample on the rights, feelings, or safety of others. It means that they have no limits and are therefore capable of anything; it is a recipe for endless cruelty and depravity.
Sociopaths feel a limited range of human emotions
Sociopaths are plagued by emotional abnormalities, making them empty shells. They experience “shallow” feelings, which means that virtually all of their emotions are fleeting, if they have them at all. They seem to feel rage and envy in full force, which fuels aggressive behavior in many of them. However, any rages they display are surprisingly short-lived.
Because of this defect, sociopaths are unable to truly connect with other people. They are unable to have true empathy for others, they are incapable of compassion, and they do not suffer, because they cannot relate to emotional pain. They live a life devoid of true pleasure, unable to enjoy a sunset or the company of an animal or another person. They only get temporary, meaningless thrills out of things like sex or food or deceiving and manipulating others. Most ominously, this emotional deficiency means that they are unable to love. It also means that they must spend their entire lives watching others and learning to imitate behaviors that they are unable to engage in naturally; in this way, they become demented chameleons.
Their emptiness also makes them chronically bored. The boredom is almost painful for them, and they will do anything to alleviate it. This contributes to their tendency to act impulsively and recklessly; for instance, it is very common for psychopaths to become addicted to alcohol, sex, and drugs. And ultimately, they will do anything and everything to get rid of their boredom because, having no conscience and no empathy, they do not care who gets hurt in the process.
Sociopaths view everything in life—including relationships—as games to be won
Sociopaths have an insatiable need to win. This desire to win is so strong that they sometimes will take themselves down in the process of becoming the “winner.” Because they are unable to build real relationships, they view their interactions with others as games. Other people are simply pawns to be played. And because they have no conscience, they make up their own unethical, ever-changing rules for those “games.” They use tactics like mirroring, deception, projection, gaslighting, pity plays, and other forms of emotional and physical abuse to idealize, manipulate, confuse, and intimidate others, all in the name of “winning.”
Sociopaths live to exploit others
The ultimate purpose of every sociopath’s life is to do whatever it takes to get what he or she wants at that moment. Since sociopaths do not understand love, they view other people as objects to be obtained, used, and then discarded. And so in all their interactions with others, they follow a particular pattern—idealize, devalue, and discard—over and over and over again. They are constantly scoping out potential targets and assessing them as sources of supply. Their desires change unexpectedly and abruptly; at any given moment, they might want money, or a place to live, or sex, or a cloak of normalcy, or a short-term thrill.
They often throw people away suddenly and brutally, ignore them for days, months, or even years, and then contact them again as if no time has passed and all is well. They find it entertaining to lure targets back into their games, if it serves their purposes. Nothing stops them from pursuing whatever they want in any way they can.
Sociopaths provide “tells” about who they really are
Sociopathic tells are yet another manipulation tactic sociopaths use to exploit others. They specialize in playing mind games with others, and tells are an effective way in which to confuse their targets. It is only after the abuse that survivors begin to see the truth behind these tells.
They come in three forms: projections on to others, truthful remarks, and statements that are the exact opposite of the truth.
Projection
When sociopaths project, they are giving their targets camouflaged clues. They talk about how other people cheat or lie or hurt others, as if they abhor such behavior, when in fact they are describing themselves. And during the devalue phase of their “relationships,” they often project this negativity on to their targets, in an effort to make their victims doubt themselves. It also has the effect of making targets feel as if they are going crazy.
The Truth
Sociopaths tell their targets exactly who they are, but they do it in such a way that it is impossible for victims to understand the consequences of the horrible statements. Targets might hear comments like, “You shouldn’t be with me” or “I’ve never had a good relationship” or “I wanted to hurt someone.” Sociopaths turn these declarations into pity plays and feel secretly justified in exploiting victims when they do not realize the statements are real.
The Opposite of the Truth
Sociopaths convince their targets that they will never lie or cheat and that they love them so much. They also promise that they will never do anything to hurt their victims. They regularly mislead targets by making claims that are precisely the opposite of the truth.
Sociopaths believe they are superior beings
Sociopaths see nothing wrong with using people and then throwing them away. They feel completely justified in lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating others. In fact, not only do they see nothing wrong with their behavior, they actually believe that they are incredibly superior to other people! Every time they are able to con their targets, they view that as evidence of the targets’ weakness. And, they do not suffer from low self-esteem or insecurities (although they often pretend to “feel” that way in order to manipulate others). On the contrary, they are egotistical and arrogant. And this makes it impossible for them to benefit from therapy, and it makes it impossible for them to change. Why should they change, when they believe they are already better than everyone else? This, I believe, is the main reason why there is no cure for sociopathy.
Although it is very difficult to wrap our brains around such a foreign and disturbing way of looking at the world, doing so can help us protect ourselves. I have discovered that all I have learned about sociopathic behavior has helped me put the pieces together of a terrible puzzle, and although it is horrific to see the completed picture, it has also empowered me and enabled me to trust in the truth of my own experience. I hope that it will do the same for you. It is okay to ask why!
For further reading on the topic, please follow this link:
https://www.psychopathfree.com/bookshelf.php?tabid=125
16/01/17
SXXX.XXX@gmail.com
To: diannefrost49@gmail.com
Hi Di, I came across this and after reading it suddenly things that I was confused about and could not rationalize became crystal clear. It is a certain woman I know and have known for quite awhile. I think you could change the “her” to “him” and you get a really clear picture of both of them. You had what she did not, him, and I know that he talked about you and the children with a lot of love and affection all the time in the beginning, it was only after he became friends with her that his attitude change, I know he said on many occasions that , I quote, “ I fall in love with my wife everyday”. We all though , what a wonderful man he was to love and be loved in that way . She was so jealous and so she set out to take him. He on the other hand obviously considered her his next meal ticket so he went along with her. Seems to me and a lot of others that they both got what the deserved, each other. If you want to post this for others to read then I am sure there will be those who also suddenly see the real them.
Best wishes and regards
SXXX
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/category/the-typical-narcissistic-woman-as-a-friend/
To the typical narcissistic woman, you are no more than an object of “secondary narcissistic supply” that provides her with whatever she wants or needs within the relationship. Typically, she mistakenly interprets her own narcissistic needs as “emotions”. These emotional needs that the narcissistic woman displays can easily be mistaken by another as vulnerability and openness on her part, and she milks this misunderstanding by constantly acting the victim. In dealing with such a relationship, you may well be forgiven for thinking that you are having a friendship with her. In her manipulation she may even fool you that she cares about you, but in reality you don’t count one bit, because she is at the center of her own make belief world where she is Queen. Her world starts and stops with herself, but she goes out of her way to disguise that fact from everyone she comes into relationship with (her husband, boyfriend, children, parents, siblings, friends and work colleagues).
I mention friends, but in reality she does not understand what it means to be a friend, not in the normal sense of the word. What she surrounds herself with are acquaintances that she refers to as friends, and they come and go in her life with great regularity. The individual may think that they are friends for a while, but soon they become aware that they are in a one sided relationship devoted only to the narcissists needs. When the friend looks for a reciprocal relationship, the narcissist female becomes bored very quickly, and the relationship comes to an abrupt and inexplicable end. The narcissistic female becomes cold, uninterested and remote, and the friendship is all but over to the bewilderment of the friend. What the friend generally fails to work out is that they have been experiencing a utilitarian relationship (an absence of mutual involvement between friends) – this is an inversion of the way the narcissist was treated by her own parents, especially the mother. Each loss the narcissistic female experiences is another narcissistic wound to her, and in order to cope, she explains her deficit away by rationalizing that friends always disappoint her.
When the relationship goes wrong, the narcissists typical and much used excuse is to say that her friend was “jealous and envious of her”; therefore she had to end the relationship. The truth of the matter is that without her investment in the other person, the relationship begins to fold, and this folding is experienced by her fragile ego as rejection (a reminder of unemphatic and inconsistent early childhood interactions by her mother), which fills her with dread. So at the slightest whiff of rejection (real or imagined), the narcissists gives the so called “friendship’ the chop, in this way she is spared the intolerable feelings of abandonment that she cannot tolerate in any relationship. You need to understand that it is nothing that you have done; her acts are because she responds to some events with extreme fear of abandonment – events that would have little meaning to a healthy person. However, all of this leads to a lot of confusion for those unlucky enough to be in a committed relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Once she has decided that the friendship is coming to its end, she now goes on to hunt for another source of narcissistic supply to fill the gap of the so called friend, and so the cycle continues.
When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than a narcissistic woman. Her envy is actually a rage reaction whenever she is unable to control or possess something another person has. She bares intense resentment for anybody who she thinks has any form of advantage over her (it may be their educational abilities, their social status, their physical looks, their creativity, their success, their wealth, their popularity, their husband ….or anything in fact). Whatever the narcissist woman perceives another of having (that they do not possess), they are driven by an insatiable need to covet and to either get it by any means or destroy it . The root cause of her narcissistic envy can be traced, most likely, back to the serious inadequacies found in the mother/child relationship that she experienced. Sadly the dysfunctional relationship between the young child and her mother leads the child to experience a strong surges of aggression that manifest itself in the form of envy. Furthermore, when a child feels rejected by its mother because they are too needy, the child learns to experience their needs as shameful. In order to protect themselves from further shameful feelings, they convince themselves that they do not have to depend on anyone but themselves. In order to feel safe, the narcissistic personality strives for superiority, and the drive for perfectionism, grandiosity, and self-entitlement begins. Unfortunately, the narcissist’s superiority is juxtaposed to an “inferiority complex” that harbors unconscious feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy. So in order to maintain her superior position, she devalues other people who she imagines may have more prestige than herself. But before she does this, she will go out of her way to become like that person, to learn what she can from them, to model them so that she feels more powerful than them, and finally she discards that person by projecting “envy” on to them. It is through these methods of projection or projective identification, that the narcissist gets rid of her own painful envious emotions so that she can maintain her feeling of superiority. There are no rules as to how she achieves this, she will do this any way she can, for example by ruining the other person’s reputation, or breaking the person psychologically and financially etc. She then coolly moves on to the next cycle of hot pursuit, engorgement, and elimination which is endless.
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
29/12 /2016
Max.lxxxxx@outlook.com.au
Good on you love for having the guts to stand up and expose the truth. It must have been painful and admitting that you were scammed and a fool took courage. More than I can say about others who know them. This probably would never have happened if others swallowed their pride and did the same. Plus I put some of the blame on our stupid government for not checking facts thoroughly and past employers for giving references when they should have told the truth. People are more interested in covering their own arses than saying, ok, I got scammed, I got used, I am a fool, than saying, this person is someone to avoid, a liar, a thief and a user, at least if they had he and she would not still be getting away with it. The facts speak for themselves .
About him... One glaring thing that should have made everyone stop and think,.... He changed his name when he was an adult, his excuse when his then wife found out?? And I think this in itself shows who he is, He did not know, his parents must have done it. Come on, you actually believe that?. At 25 or so he has had to use his birth certificate to prove age and identity, drivers licence, bank accounts, passport, buying property and a dozen different things, and he did not know????.... Our stupid government screwed up on that one by not checking his identity thoroughly instead of going on the outward good signs of letters of reference etc, did they even bother to check them out or just assume because he was British he was honest and truthful. Not so truthful when you realise he did NOT put that fact on his visa application. He uses different names, why?. Is he hiding something? Doing something illegal?. . He sets up companies, 3 here from what I read, they going anywhere or are they a tax dodge?.Gets govt grants for business improvements and uses it for personal reasons. He changes jobs like other people change their underwear. He invents an engine that’s going to change the world and make anyone who invests in it rich. Trouble is the same engine has been around since the dinosaurs and still hasn’t changed the world or made anyone rich. He didn’t even design it, someone did but he takes credit for it, latest is its going into production mid next year, or was it mid last year? Maybe it was the year before that?. That “ legal” agreement he had done up for his wife that turned out to be worthless, capped it off for me, what a con job to keep her quiet, the JP that witnessed it worked with him, was a woman as well, she would have known it was worthless , was she another one he was screwing? Or was she the niece of the one he was screwing?. And that people is just the tip of a very dirty ice berg. The more of you who know these two , who has been used bythem, in business, employers, co-workers, friends or a bed mate, its time you swallowed your pride and stood up to be counted, tell your story, stop them in there tracks or join the others who are morally responsible for them getting away with this and continue to do so.
As for her?? What a piece of work she is, so similar to him in what she has done it’s scary. Changes jobs more often than she changes her knickers, has job on the side selling health food products, I won’t give the company name, one of those pyramid things, bet she doesn’t declare it on her tax, has a few companies in her name, destroyed a guys relationship with his parents and family with her lies because he would not leave his wife for her,” eldest daughters father”, has three kids by three different men, tried to sucker in one guy for child support for a kid that wasn’t his, lied about it, took away from a child the man she thought was her dad, no remorse, really no different from the welfare users who knock kids out for no other reason that get money off the govt. Multiple affairs with married men, usually where she worked, no remorse about the damage she caused either to the company, work mates or the lives of the guys families . If anyone can’t see the similarities then either your blind or sleeping with one of them or getting a kick back of some kind. What about the ripple effect of what they do, Do you really think that it stops at the actual poor sod they target, thats bad enough but like throwing a rock in a pond the ripples spread out and after reading this site i can see at least 4 instances where their actions have impacted on others through their main target.
Its way past time for you lot who read this to step up and speak out and for the govt to do a bloody intense investigation into both of them and people like them instead wasting time and money by going after pensioners for a few bucks they were over paid by centrelink. I just bet that she has or still is ripping off the tax man and the welfare system, he got govt money, our money, in grants for a business and blew it on stuff for himself and her, their past and their actions speaks for itself.
When i hear about lowlifes like this is just pisses me off, especially when no one does anything because , “ its not my problem” attitude. Heres a news flash for you all, it is your problem, my problem, because eventually in some way it will affect us or someone we know. I don’t even know any of these people , only just found out about it from a friend whose son knows someone whose son knows her daughter, so it gets around. Some of you reading this know or work with them and you say bugger all. Sorry for the language my dear but you have my support and that of others, now let the rest of you do the same. Show parasites like them that their behaviour will not be tolerated.
Regards
Max
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
17/12/2016
xxxxxx@gmail.com
I just thought i would share this. I came across it on a narcissistic awareness site. It rang so true with these two as i worked with both of them. Reading the website has shown me and others that they were the cause of all the dissention and drama and not those who were blamed for it. Enjoy the holiday break with the knowledge that people know the truth and are grateful for it.
Xxxxx xxxxxx
HOW NARCISSISTS GET AWAY WITH IT.
https://pairedlife.com/etiquette/A-Narcissist-is-Capable-of-Great-Destruction
Anyone who's ever worked with a malignant narcissist knows how much discord one person can sow. A fog of confusion descends, and the environment seems to become more toxic by the minute. That's because people with disordered personalities thrive on drama and division, which they create by spreading false rumors with a little bit of truth mixed in, to make the story more plausible.
They also recruit flying monkeys, whom they artfully manipulate to carry out their agenda. Typically one target is chosen, and the idea is to drive this person out of his or her job. After a short breather, another target is selected.
Meanwhile, because the air has become poisoned, no one is happy. However, it's very difficult to figure out exactly what's going on. That's because an adult who suffers from a character flaw, serious enough to bully another, knows their number will be up if they don't use a lot of smoke and mirrors to deflect attention away from their own misdeeds. One tried and true trick is to blame everything on an innocent person, who happens to be their target. Then, they need to convince everyone else that things will improve if this person is banished.
Narcissists are masters of deception. They like to project their own faults and shortcomings onto others, and, when they pick a target, this is what they do. This defense mechanism serves two purposes. It effectively shields them from the blame. It also allows them to operate under the delusion that the victim deserves or has somehow earned this treatment.
Oftentimes, this is done as a pity ploy. A malignant narcissist will drum up sympathy by claiming to be the victim. In a role reversal, they claim the target is the one causing trouble for them. Eventually, the entire office sympathizes with the perpetrator and turns upon the target.
Some experts believe malignant narcissists and sociopaths are really two different manifestations of the same disorder, or at least there's only a very fine line separating them. In her classic book, The Sociopath Next Door, Dr. Martha Stout, PhD., tries to give us clues as to how to spot these charlatans when we first encounter them. This is a very difficult task, she concedes, because character disordered people often come across as charming, at least initially.
However, she notes, there is one tip off. Beware of a new acquaintance who tries to play upon your sympathies. This is a common thread she's noticed among sociopaths.
The word "grooming" usually applies fixing one's hair and putting on some makeup. But, in this case, it means the narcissist is set on sizing up his or her target. If the predator is a woman, this usually involves getting to know you better by establishing a fake friendship.
She'll pretend to share a lot of intimate secrets with you. Actually, some of what she's telling you make make you a little uncomfortable, because it seems as if she's revealing too much too soon. But don't worry. She knows not to say anything you could ever use as leverage against her. She's way too clever for that.
However, most of us are socialized to reciprocate in our speech. If someone says something, we'll usually respond. A malignant narcissist will bait you to respond. She share some of her secrets, hoping you share yours. This is a tactic that often works because she'll also ask you pointed questions, and stare at you while waiting for an answer. To counter the awkwardness this creates, you just might spill your guts.
Sociopaths do seem to be able to maintain sustained eye contact longer than the rest of the population. Some people have referred to this as the "predatory stare."
People with narcissistic personality disorder would register high on the scale of manipulative behavior, if they were tested. They are extremely clever and seem to have superhuman ability to "read" other people, and to assess various social situations.
They tend to zero in on people's weaknesses, and then adjust accordingly. A target's weaknesses will be used against her. If the narcissist wishes to draw people to their cause, they'll work hard to fulfill their most pressing needs.
Say, for instance, someone has an unhealthy desire to fit in and be accepted. The narcissist will make this person her right hand gal. Another coworker may be juggling a work schedule with caring for an aging parent. In order to win their loyalty, the narcissist will offer to stay with your parent on Saturday afternoon, so you can go grocery shopping. She'll also bring you a nice, home-cooked meal every Wednesday night.
By manipulating everyone else in the office, the narcissist now has a loyal team of supporters. They've all been fed lies about the target, who is now showing signs of emotional fragility. She looks glum and she seems a little angry. This fits perfectly with the bully's assessment of her of being emotionally "unstable."
If any of the team members also happen to have a cruel streak, or happen to have an empathy deficit, they will be recruited as flying monkeys. That means they can each do little tasks meant to wear down the victim. These are assigned by the narcissist either directly or by "hinting." (I'll explain more about this later.)
That way, if the target tries to complain, she won't know where to begin. Each incident alone will sound petty and trivial. If she goes to the Human Resources department, and points her finger at several people, you can guess the rest. She'll be quickly branded as the troublemaker.
Disordered personalities often subtly direct others to accomplish certain tasks by a behavioral mechanism called "hinting." They don't directly come out and ask you to do something. Instead, they drop a hint you'll likely follow through on.
They like to pull this tactic out of their toolbox when setting their target up for a fall. For instance, they might complain to your supervisor that you spend a lot of time away from your desk, with the implication that you aren't getting a lot of work done. To cement this impression, they drop some "hints" that encourage you to walk around the office more than you normally would.
To do this, they exploit your natural willingness to help. "My office needs an overhaul, because more clients are starting to visit," they may tell you. "Would you mind coming in and giving me some suggestions?"
Thinking that you're aiding the company, you agree to stop by after lunch. The narcissist prolongs the conversation about redoing her office. Then, she tells your supervisor you disrupted her workday with useless chitchat.
Directed conversations is a tactic often used by flying monkeys, whom are partner bullies. They will be fed lines to say within your hearing range, designed to confuse or disturb you. Here is an example. Someone being edged out of a job may no longer be invited to key, important meetings that once required their presence.
However, because they are still invested in their job, they may be highly interested in what's being discussed. The narcissist will make sure one or more of her flying monkeys walks by your desk, and lets you catch a snippet of the conversation, about how someone else is now being assigned tasks once delegated to you. This is done solely to hurt your feelings.
The immediate goal of the abuser is to make you so miserable that you can no longer do your job, and ultimately leave the organization. Most of the time this tactic works. An estimated 75 percent of targets are either fired from their position, or submit a voluntary resignation, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute, an advocacy group established to help victims of workplace abuse.
However, this doesn't mean the abuser will suddenly turn nice and the office will now run smoothly. The narcissist will soon select another target and the cycle will continue.
02/04/16
Xxxxx56xx@outlook.com.au
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
Hello Di,
Well, geez, that letter is a bit of an eye opener. Hard to decide what is true and what is BS, after reading everything on the website it raises more questions than it answers. One thing for sure, it was written by a woman, who thinks she is in love with him and that he loves her. But because of all the guilt he feels he cannot get on with his life and she wants to help him do that with her. But he has to clear the way by ending it with you. Accept that he made a mistake and that he did and still does love you but because of his actions you don’t want a bar of him. So he will stay where he is and with whom he is with because he has no choice. Better the devil you know than the unknown and he is a person who needs the emotional support and security she provides, just like a child does. So, what is he? A narcissist?, yeah, A pathological liar? Yeah, a manipulator?Yeah. A very confused and emotionally stunted person? Well, anyone can see that, look how fast he married that woman; he sees marriage as an anchor, while it’s to his advantage at least but is pretty quick to break it if something better comes along that is a sure thing. I think the mistake you made was not fighting for him, I can understand why, you loved him, you let him go off to “ find himself” and gave him the space and time to do that, his emails to you during that period were either lies or genuine, he is the only one who can answer that, but you left the door open for that woman to manipulate her way into his life, you were not there to block her and someone was right when the said she got him by default. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence to some people until they get there and find out it’s been fertilized with bull shit and they are stuck in it. I feel sorry for the woman who wrote the letter, he is using her as an emotional crutch , has no feeling for her other than a child has for any adult who shows them kindness and sympathy or maybe she is the next replacement ? , again, he is the only one who can answer that. Anyway, my feelings on it. Kingsley, if what is in that letter is true and you’re the only one who knows if it is or not, then do something about it, you obviously have someone on standby if Liz throws you out so you won’t be on your own, you will never know what the outcome will be with Dianne if you don’t take the chance. As for Liz, if you do really have any feelings for him then do what Dianne did and let him go find himself, you can’t hold someone forever if they don’t want to be there; sooner or later they will run away. Di, what to say to you? You obviously did love him; look at what you did for him? Do you still care about him enough to forgive him and let him go as he states in that letter? Neither of you will ever know unless you do something about it. Sorry my friend to be so negative but it’s still between you and him; I think it always will be.
Catch you later,
Xxxxxxx
09/04/2016
The website was hacked a few days after the anonymous letter Dianne received was made public on here. A coincidence??. More than 50% of the site contents were deleted. The website provider is checking into it and as it is a criminal offence, should the person responsible be located, there is a good chance that they will, then the website provider will take the appropriate legal action. The deleted content will hopefully be recovered but there is no guarantee that it will be, depends on what sort of program and virus was used. Either way it is going to take some time and may never be restored. As there have been over 20,000 views of the site in the last 18 months than most people are aware of the contents, should any new readers need further information on the deleted content then simply ask either by email or use the now up and running blog / question/ comments section. All new posts will be posted on the new page section. This action by whoever will not deter us from keeping this site up and running. Emails can be sent to diannefrost49@gmail.com
The anonymous letter seems to be the catalyst that started this action, something in it or perhaps the entire contents of the letter, obviously someone does not want made public or for certain people to read it. .
We never originally had any intention of publishing the letter but did say if anyone wanted of copy of it then to ask and it would be sent via email, there were a lot of interest and requests for it and many replies with comments. But since the hacking that has changed and the letter will be posted in a few days after we have verified that we are not breaking any laws. As the letter was unsigned the writer cannot be asked to verify the contents but once it was put in Dianne’s private mail box it became her property to do with as she wished, or so we are given to understand.
02/04/16
diannefrost49@gmail.com
mxxxxx66@gmail.com
Hi Di,
Thanks for the copy of that letter, any chance that it’s true? Or just more of his bullshit? I will have to ask him next time I see him. Lol. If it is true then he has really screwed up his life and if it’s not, which is more than likely, I feel sorry for whoever that woman is he is sucking up to for sympathy. As for Liz, well, looks like she just might have some idea of what you went thru, can she trust him? Is he lying ? What is he doing? Who is he with?. Mate, Karma is a bitch. Lol. What did someone say in an earlier post?, I think it said something along the lines of, “ A narcissist will always find a way to cultivate their next source of supply,” or something like that. I know you will post this and that’s fine by me, won’t be the first comment of mine that you posted, so, knowing that Kings reads this site this is for him. Mate, if what’s in that letter is real and if you have screwed up then admit it and go try and fix it, you’re just making it worse by ignoring it, not that I think she will forgive you, hell, I wouldn’t, but it might give you some peace in your life and the chance to find someone decent to care about who cares about you. Jesus mate, don’t screw up another woman’s life just because you fucked yours up. If you don’t want to be where you are and with Liz then get out... You did it with Di, so stop making excuses and using people.
Don’t let that letter get to you, you did nothing wrong, it’s his fuck up. True or more of his lies?.
Talk to you soon.
Mxxxxx
10/04/16
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
lxxxx.dxxxxxx@bigpond.com
05-04-16
Dear Dianne,
Thanks for the copy of the letter, all I can say is, what a load of crap. I mean, really!!! , he knows he did the wrong thing, he was FORCED into doing it, he could not stop it, he Loved you and still does, he can’t move on with his life because of the guilt he feels and you have to forgive him so that he can??? So he is putting all his problems on you and you’re the reason he can’t be with this woman who wrote the letter. You’re stopping him from being happy and forcing him to stay with that Liz person. What????. So what is the procedure with this? He says he is sorry and asks for your forgiveness, you pat him on the head and tell him it’s ok and he wanders off into the sunset with this woman and lives happily ever after?? Ha haha . What a joke and what a monumental ego this parasite must have and what an idiot this woman is if she believes his crap. Don’t you be an idiot too and believe this crap, he is just using you to manipulate this poor gullible bitch. You of all people know what he is like and capable of.
If he really does feel guilt and remorse and that is highly unlikely, then to be forgiven he needs to get off his butt and show YOU how he feels instead of just crying on some woman’s shoulder. He needs to give you back everything he took from you and I don’t mean money, or your house and car, I mean your self respect, dignity, pride, confidence and ability to trust again, he can’t give you back your health, he destroyed that, but he can make life easier for you physically and he needs to do it in such a way that reflects his remorse not to get a pat on the back and told how wonderful he is by everyone.
As f or that woman he left you for, well, that letter shows just how much he cares for her and she deserves everything she gets. Apparently it did not take him long to find a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. So make sure that you stand your ground and don’t fall for this, you have done the hard yards so let him show his true colours now and what he really is up to, is it the truth or just him spreading his bullshit again so that this silly woman will find out the hard way just what he is really like.
I have read the site from start to finish a few times and kept up with all the new posts and even I can see what he is up to. By the way, have you changed the site or is it just my computer because when I get half way through it just stops in mid sentence and there is nothing more. Hope to read more comments about this letter and see if others agree with me, keep us up to date on what if anything he does to earn forgiveness and if he ever starts his new life with this woman..
I have checked out narcissists/ sociopaths , there is a lot of info out there and it is good to be forewarned , i found the following , read it and remember it before you feel sorry for him.
Yours
Ixxxx Dxxxxxx.
Ever the infatuated junkie and never satisfied for long with what he has,
The narcissist is always on the lookout for the “next better option”,
He is always in a perpetual state of “comparison shopping” for new play mates or partners.
This means that you are never safe within the relationship and are, whether fully aware of it or not,
Engaged in a constant state of competition with every replacement.
( triangulation) This is not love, neither is it normal or healthy relationship behaviour.
Just because something isn’t a lie, doesn’t mean it isn’t deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar; a narcissist is one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive and is a master of destruction.
11/04/16
Dianne sent me this email and insisted that it be posted. She said something to the effect that she was tired of playing with him using kid gloves. Tired of all his stupid and hurtful games. Tired of his lies. Tired of him hurting people. That it was time the whole truth came out. Time for him to grow up. So, here it is.
10/04/2016
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
MxxxxSxxxxxx@outlook.com.au
Dearest Dianne,
Thank you for the copy of the letter, I read through it a few times and had others do the same, we then got together to discuss it and in the main all roughly came to the same conclusions. But more about that shortly, I am sorry that the website was vandalised, you and Jxxx put a lot of time and hard work into it. I know that is was of help to some who read it , especially all the references to NPD, the information on websites and organisations that I gave you , that were posted, helped direct people to these sites and feed back I have received from those who visited them has been very positive. From all the information you received from many people concerning both Kingsley and Elizabeth I know it has helped those people understand why they did and do the things that hurt people and has made them wary and doubly cautious in dealing with them. At the end of this email I will include some of the information previously sent to you and you can repost it if you desire to do so. But before then I would like to remind you that you have come a long way in accepting that what he put you through was a very difficult time in your life but that you have a productive life still in front of you. Please don’t allow the contents of that letter to give you doubts, you did nothing wrong then or now. Do not allow the feelings that you still have for him cloud your judgement and feel sorry for him, feelings that you accept will always be there but that you have buried deep. Leave them buried, Do not open the part of you to him, at least not until you know for certain that what is said in that letter is true and not his way of manipulating someone and is using you and the guilt he says he feels as his excuse for not being able to escape from his present situation and move on with his life. We both know that any trust you ever give him has to start out as a friend and it has to be earned and you are not obligated to make his life easier by taking away any guilt he feels. Always remember, he knew exactly what he was doing , knew what his actions were doing to you and his now saying that he had no choice is not acceptable. He did have a choice!
So, to the letter:
Definitely written by a woman, someone he or both him and Elizabeth have contact with, a friend, a past or present work colleague, perhaps even a relative of Elizabeth. From the sound of it , it started out as just a friend to talk to, maybe over a coffee, lunch at work, or even as frequent visitor to the house he shares with Elizabeth, one cannot be certain at this point, where they met and under what circumstances. But she was and is a sympathetic ear for him to air all his trouble, guilt and feelings. None of us believe that the relationship has become intimate yet, a bit of hand holding and hugs to show sympathy and support only at this stage but if it keeps up it will inevitably lead to more intimate contact. This woman has fallen in love with him or at least has convinced herself that she has and wants to look after him, to show him that he can love again, that she can stop the hurt he feels, that he can move on with his life and that she is willing to be the one who can do this, even though he tells her that he still loves you and always will, that he feels so much guilt about his conduct, but he knows he hurt you so much that you will never forgive him and he has to live with that, so he will stay with the person who caused him to act that way as his punishment. This woman feels so sorry for him that she wants you to forgive him so that he can move on, not thinking just what that would take from you, a selfish act on her part but she thinks she can make him forget what he feels for you and that once you forgive him he has no reason to stay with Elizabeth and they can then move on in their relationship and be happy together.
It makes one wonder just what exactly he has told her as it’s obvious that she has read the website and it appears that he has made Elizabeth out to be the instigator and cause of him leaving you and causing you so much pain but because he did nothing to stop it then he is just as guilty. The point is:: Is all this true ? or him using his manipulating skills to obtain whatever it is he wants this time?.
I have wondered in the past year if he took your advice and went to a professional for help with his NPD. From the sound of this latest episode it seems unlikely.
In the two years that we have communicated , the group webinar sessions you took part in, the one on one video sessions, I feel I know you well, the incidents and details you shared about your time with him and his childhood and upbringing that he told you about and things that you learnt from his family and friends , we agreed that his life was an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs, the fact that he only married his first wife because all his friends were getting married and he was the odd one out , that he felt it was better to take the first person who came along rather than be left on his own, it in itself shows that he cannot exist on his own, emotionally he needs someone there with him, his desire for material possessions that are better than anyone else shows the extent as a child that he had to do without and his obsession with this engine shows that he is still trying to show the world that he is a success and not the failure he had been told he was. An example is in the divorce papers with his first wife where she said that he was lazy and useless, how hurt and upset he was, how for weeks you had to constantly tell him that he was not like that and how proud you were of what he had achieved since he came to Australia. There is something else I want to remind you of, the difference between you, his first wife and Elizabeth. You were the only one who did not give him ultimatums before marrying him, in fact you refused to marry him for two years , giving him time to make sure it was what he really wanted, time to back out and still remain as friends if that’s what he wanted. You put no pressure on him. Something that no one else had ever done, put him first.
I reread some of his emails you shared with me and several in particular stuck out.
01/10/13
Angel Ok, for the record, I care about you more than you realise, I hate myself for what I am doing to you but I can’t stop it. I hate what i have become and maybe i should just put an end to it. I don’t know what or who i am so how can i know what i want. I just want everyone i care about to stop hurting including myself. You said you would wait for me no matter how long it takes , if i could believe that then i will hold on to it. Do you really mean it.
Kings
03/10/13
Angel, believe me i have no choice in this, i have to do it, it is going to hurt you and that will kill me inside but please hold on, wait for me like you said and i will be back.
Kings.
Perhaps at the time he wrote them he really felt that way but time away from you and pressure being put on him to divorce you , ultimatums being given to him, like a child he took what was on offer as he had been forced to his whole life. So perhaps there is some truth in that letter. He is a complicated person so no way of knowing just how he feels, what is truth and what is not.
Dianne, you know my personal opinion is that he really did love you, maybe he still does, you were the only person who never used him or expected more from him than he could give, you told him that you were proud of him no matter what he did or even if he failed because at least he had the courage to try. There had never been anyone in his life before who meant that and it scared him. Why?, Insecure, always having to prove himself, really can’t believe that someone could love him faults and all. Maybe he did get in to deep to fast as the letter said and could not get out, my dear, I don’t know any more than you do. He is the only one who does. He is a narcissist? Yes, that’s obvious, can he change? Maybe with therapy, again who knows? But I do know one thing; do not let him pull you back into that darkness, you lost to much the last time. Love him if you must but do it from a distance.
That letter was a catalyst, but I think trying to destroy the website has back fired; it has made so many people wonder why? What is he trying to hide?
If you decide to post this on the site then I can guarantee one of two things will happen so think long and hard about it. If he is lying then he will come after you in a rage for exposing him or if it’s the truth then you will find him on your door step crying like the child he is asking you to forgive him and love him. So be prepared. As for Elizabeth and the letter writer, I think they both know where they stand now. The truth always finds its way out...
Your friend
Marian.
Please read the attached articles and let your head and not your heart rule.
Have you known and trusted someone for years only to finally and painfully wake up to the fact that you’ve been the victim of their extreme narcissistic tendencies?
Are you ashamed to have been fooled by a person who looks so perfect and innocent on the outside, that it’s hard to accept the truth – that you have been used to fuel their narcissistic supply?
For your own sanity, accept what has happened and move on because the person you thought you knew doesn’t exist, all there ever was, was a monster behind a mask.
What is Narcissism
Narcissism is more common than we think and to some extent, we all have a narcissistic streak in us, in fact, in moderate doses it can actually be healthy, contributing to self respect, providing a little ego boost when we need it and a little gratification here and there, but for most part, most of us are stable. By contrast, too little can result in low self love and low self esteem.
Too much narcissism is not healthy though it is destructive, to narcissists themselves and those who are close to them. Extreme narcissistic individuals think that the whole world revolves around them, hiding their egoistic self and self hatred with confidence and skill.
Unfortunately our ignorance about extreme narcissism makes it difficult to spot the extreme male and female narcissists who sneak into our lives! So, do you think you know an extreme narcissist and what are the signs that indicate you may be dealing with one?
There are two types of extreme narcissists – overt and covert and some are easier to spot than others.
Overt narcissists are more common and much easier to spot, they externalise their arrogance, are outwardly demanding and display extreme character traits and their confrontational communication style does not go unnoticed!
Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so let’s focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a calm and patient mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.
Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.
They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they don’t believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists don’t possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they can’t. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They don’t feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.
So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists can’t hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.
The tell tale signs to help you recognize a covert narcissist:
- Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you can’t quite put your finger on
- Stubborn, rarely apologising unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)
- Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault
- Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe
- Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation
- Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you
- Very sensitive to constructive criticism
- Inability to form intimate relationships
- Inability to feel genuine remorse
- Blaming others for their problems
- Low emotional intelligence
- Highly materialistic
- Extreme lack of empathy
- Superficially charming
- A victim mentality.
Risk taking: Extreme narcissists often move from relationship to relationship very fast because they don’t like to be alone, needing constant attention. They are not at all risk averse and take all kinds of risks; financial, extreme sports or anything that make them feel alive and skirting with danger.
Denial: Narcissism often stems from childhood issues which I won’t go into here but a narcissist will often paint their childhood as near to perfect and if they seek help and deal with the root cause of their behaviors, then good for them but move on anyway, don’t continue to make yourself vulnerable.
Narcissistic supply
Narcissists want somebody to mirror them, they need people to reflect the false image that they have of themselves, not wanting to face the fact of who they are, what they do and how cruel they are. They don’t want to acknowledge the anger and rage that exist inside of themselves.
They see people as objects; if you can make them successful, if you can make them enter a certain group of people, if you blindly and naively love them, if you have anything that can be useful to them emotionally, socially or financially in the present or the future, then you qualify as a source of supply.
This can go on for a long time, until you are not useful to them anymore or you challenge them about who they truly are, worst still you expose them to the world! At this point they will discard you like an old rag, without remorse or regret; as if you never existed. They will also discredit you so that no one will ever believe that you have been their victim, if anything they will play the victim and point the finger back at you!
Narcissistic supply is the thing they need to bolster their weak sense of self and they take without giving anything back. Don’t count on a narcissist to be a shoulder to cry on, unless you are providing them with a good source of narcissistic supply; it is like a drug for a them.
Someone who can hurt you has power over you and attention whether positive or negative will feed a narcissistic ego. Being aggressive or angry at a narcissist won’t change anything, the best thing to do is cease all contact with them.
Who they target and how they catch their victims?
Narcissists can target anyone including strong and independent people but their favorite source of supply is most often highly sensitive, empathetic and caring, people with low self esteem, an inability to set healthy boundaries, and with issues they too are carrying over from childhood.
Narcissists are full of charm, they will charm you to death and tell you everything you want to hear, they study you, analyse you and know all the things that you want to experience in life. They’ll tell you that you are soulmates, they’ll promise you the moon so if it seems too good to be true, it probably is!
We all want to be appreciated, loved, held, thanked, praised and valued and a narcissist knows that, so to catch you, the narcissist will say the things to make you feel appreciated and appeal to your deepest desires and cravings. Narcissists are very intelligent, they have studied human behaviour their whole lives and they know how to manipulate people by stirring emotions deep inside of you. When you start falling for a narcissist watch out because they can lie and at the same time look at you so sincerely; narcissists are able to fool us because they pretend to be the person we want them to be.
Narcissists have envy and resentment that causes them to attribute power and goodness to themselves, and negativity and weakness to others. They seek out friends who are worse off than them because they fear being exposed for who they really are and they want to be seen as rescuers or as deeply caring for others. Covert narcissist always seems to admire people who are as successful as they would like to be but at the same time, they envy and hate those people for being successful. They claim that they want to see you succeed but then when you do, they envy you and hate you for succeeding.
The covert narcissist dwells on how much people do not appreciate them and are self critical, putting themselves down and saying things like I am not worth anything, I will never make it etc.
Narcissist’ s controlling and manipulation techniques
Gaslighting is a subtle, underground maltreatment, that can go unnoticed by the victim until it is too late. It penetrates you but it’s difficult to identify. Gaslighting is ambiguous, diffused, it is a dangerous kind of abuse. It leave no trace and you can’t prove it. Ambient abuse is perpetrated by dropping certain hints, by disorienting, its aim is to make you doubt your own sanity so that you are always left wondering what the narcissist is thinking and feeling. Don’t waste time trying to find out their motives or try to understand why they feel or think the way they do because it leads nowhere. Just accept you are a source of supply and move on. Gaslighting over a prolonged period of time can damage the victim sense of self and self esteem for a long time.
Silent treatment is used by narcissists who withdraw when confronted and is also a form of punishment they employ when you refuse to accommodate their needs. They ignore you out of the blue for as long as it takes, until you give up your own needs and agree to do whatever the narcissist wants you to do. Until you end up apologizing even, if they were in the wrong.
Divide and conquer is an approach used to isolate their victim. They’ll find out everything about you, your past, your secrets and use them against you, making you look bad while they are seen by everyone else as a perfect, loving and caring individual.
Dealing with a narcissist
Don’t waste your time and sanity trying to understand and help a narcissist. Don’t criticise them or confront them, they will twist things around and reflect all their flaws on you, leaving you looking like you are the abuser when in fact you just had your emotional buttons pushed and your mind played with, so you acted in self defense.
So don’t play mind games or seek revenge with narcissists because they’ll win, you can’t match their cruelty. Set boundaries and don’t tell them too much about yourself so they can’t use it against you.
They also fear being found out so they’ll go to any length to shut you up and unfortunately people believe them, they are so talented at faking emotions that most remain completely undetected.
No contact at all is the best way to deal with a narcissist. This information is from my research and years of personal experience dealing with and trying to understand a covert narcissist. It’s painful to accept at first and it doesn’t matter if the term “narcissist” is correct or not, all that matters is that people who behave in the ways described in this article exist and it’s in your own interest to acknowledge it, to protect your wellbeing and your sanity.
16.04.16.
We have been assured by our legal advisors that we will not be breaking any laws if we post or publish the letter.
So to those of you new to the site I will recap.
Last month Dianne received a letter, it was hand delivered to her mail box and it was unsigned. When she read it she was shocked, stunned and upset. She forwarded copies to several people and it was read by some of her friends and family, after discussions she decided to send a copy to Kingsley asking him what it was all about, what he was up to now and to give her an explanation. She received no reply. So then knowing that he and the woman he lives with as well as others who know them read the website she wrote to him again but this time it was posted on the site as she knew that he could not then say he had not seen it. The letter was not posted, I repeat, not posted on the site but reference to it was made. We were then asked by several others who read the site if we could email a copy of the letter to them, that request snowballed and we had dozens of requests for copies of it which we sent, replies we were sent back about it were then posted on the site, well, the ones that could be, some were very scathing to put it mildly and could not be posted, still no response from Kingsley. A few days later the website was hacked and over half the site was deleted along with the reference to the letter and readers responses to it. So, we then asked our legal experts if we could legally post the letter on the site and they have assured us that we can.
If anyone has any thoughts about the letter or who the anonymous writer is, we would appreciate it if you fill in the blanks for us. So, posted below is the letter.
17/04/16
Since I had my friend Marian’s email posted I have been bombarded with the same question from everyone. As I would have to answer each one individually because most people do not want their email known and it will take me forever to do so, I will write this explanation and have Jxxx post it.
The question: How can you possibly still have any feelings for him after what he did to you?.
Answer: I don’t, No No No , I hate, despise and have nothing but contempt for him. I have flung every curse you can imagine at him and eventually one will hit him right between the eyes, the same goes for that thing he is with. With a bit of luck it will happen when he is riding his bike, hopefully with her and that they are hit by a semi on the M1. I would even send the truck driver a Thank You card. That is how I feel about the Kingsley Wright who is out there.
But!! What Marian was referring to is the Kingsley Wright I met, fell in love with, married and lived with for 4 years, who I assisted, supported, helped, was proud of, trusted, believed in and who I never had even the slightest argument with in that time. That Kingsley Wright I still love. When you love someone and they die, you don’t stop loving them, you grieve, you miss them, eventually you realise that they no longer exist anywhere but in your heart and your memories, you won’t ever see them again and over time you learn to live your life without them as I did when my wonderful husband of 25 years died in 1999. In a manner it is the same with Kingsley, the Kingsley I knew vanished before my eyes on a Saturday afternoon in October 2012, when without warning calmly informed me that he was leaving, and left in his place someone who looked like him but was the complete opposite. That was confusing enough but then he made it worse by allowing glimpses of the Kingsley I knew to come back with his emails of love etc etc and his overnight visits and meeting for lunch/dinner etc for the next year. It was not until after the suicide attempt , that he convinced me was the only way to be together forever and the sneaky way he filed for divorce when I was still in the hospital, stating that he had no contact with me for over a year and no idea where I was to have the court papers served on me that I found out about Elizabeth Mazza and that the affair started BEFORE he left me and that he was living with her while he was still spending time with me, keeping me as back up just in case it fell apart with her, it was then that I realised and accepted the fact that the Kingsley Wright I knew never existed, he was a persona that was invented to give me what I wanted in a companion, best friend, lover and husband to enable him to get what he wanted which was, his permanent residents visa, the resources to set up his own business and develop his engine design, the money to buy the 10s of thousands of dollars of equipment and tools, his bikes and to get his degree in mechanical engineering, but that is another story, let’s just say that it was fudged. Then when he had everything he wanted and had shaken the last dollar out of the money tree, he reverted back to who he really was and moved on. So yes, that phantom, unreal, made up Kingsley Wright I do still have feeling for. Marian was telling me NOT to confuse the two again.
Will he come after me in a rage as she suggested?. No chance, because in the last two years I have found out so much about him and his past from his relatives, his exes, friends he grew up up, people he worked with etc ect that I know where all the skeletons are and he does not want certain parts of his past to ever come to light. One thing I do know about him is that he will avoid confrontations at any cost, which I originally thought was a positive and noble part of his character but have since found out it’s because he is a Coward. As for him showing up at my door one day with tears in his eyes and that pathetic look on his face asking for forgiveness?. With him, who knows.. Will I forgive him? That is something that will always be in the back of his mind for the rest of his life. Did he love me, does he still as the letter writer says?. Who knows?. Only him. Or is he just setting his next source of supply up? Again, he is the only one who knows. Either way I really don’t care. But it would be interesting to find out. J
23/04/16
The website being hacked has had its positive side. Going through hundreds of emails, documents, folders, files etc, we have found a considerable amount of them that were never published and so as we sort them out will do so, starting with a block of emails between Kingsley and Dianne, dated MARCH 2014. This is relevant because it was AFTER Dianne was discharged from hospital, AFTER Kingsley filed for divorce and 3 months before the divorce became final. In these emails Kingsley admits that he is selfish and a NARCISSIST, that he won’t hold anything she does to him against her, i.e. the website, that he has some weird plan he is working on, that he does love her, etc etc etc and that he made a deal with a DEVIL which included making sure that she was taken care of first. To trust him etc etc etc. Who could this Devil be? What deal did they make?, Everyone who has so far read them , including myself, has assumed that it must be Liz Mazza, it’s the only logical choice. So what is he up to?. Considering when he wrote them, what is he doing or trying to do?. If it is his usual pack of lies then it has been agreed by everyone who has so far read them that it is a deliberate and calculated form of emotional manipulation, abuse and mental torture. If it’s true then it gives some credence to the contents of the anonymous letter Dianne received last month, the emails are posted below followed by the letter. WE are sure Kingsley will come up with some plausible reason for the emails and some people will believe him for their own reasons but most will see it for what it really is and him for who he really is..
Dianne Wright (frostdianne@hotmail.com)
Tuesday, 4 March 2014 3:35:36 PM
Kingsley Wright Add to contacts 10102013 Keep this message at the top of your inbox.
To: 'Dianne Wright' (kingsleyw@enginedevelopments.com.au);
Yes!!! but won’t hold you to it! Yes; no matter what others tell you! Yes.!!! i love you!. Remember though; I have my father’s traits; even I am surprised at how selfish I can be but from my point of view; yes; I hope you can trust me. The plan is a weird one; but I get my revenge; on everyone. Those who used me and those who misjudged me. At least as I see it. But then; I am a self-opinionated arrogant self-righteous narcissist after all. I won’t hold anything you do to me against you. I have to go;
Dianne Wright (frostdianne@hotmail.com); To: kings Subject: RE: need to talk It is simple. A simple yes or no. Love me or not? Do i wait or not? Do i trust you or not? Tell me exactly what the deal with the devil is or i will ask him myself and you know i can. I can get thru the walls if i want to. But at the moment i dont want to. You dont give me a straight answer and i will push those bloody walls down around you. So no more stupid games.
Dianne Wright From: (kingsleyw@enginedevelopments.com.au) It’s not quite that simple. It depends on so many things. It also depends on what your solicitor advises after I present what I can to him. There is hope; but after you and he sit and talk. Also; its after I finish my work; succeed or fail; it doesn’t really matter as long as I finish it first. Does that sound cold and mean; it’s not meant to. Just get the solicitor to communicate; don’t try to work it out yet; work with me on getting you financially stable and the rest will fall into place. I won’t take the deal from the devil until that is done first. The devil I am dealing with at least understands that. Please; don’t try to think about it and my walls are now very high; despite how hard you have pushed and probed this week. You might not be physically strong but jees;
Dianne Wright (frostdianne@hotmail.com);
To: Kingsley Wright Subject: RE: need to talk At doctors using phone to reply. No. The problem is that you avoid answering my questions. You leave me more confused . So answer them. Do you love me. Are you coming back. Do I wait for you. I need to know. To have hope and a reason to go on. Or just tell me straight out to fuck off leave you alone. Your finished with me. You don't love me. But I need to know one way or the other. Sent from my Windows Phone .
From: Kingsley Wright Sent: 10:09 AM To: 'Dianne Wright' Subject: RE: need to talk I do care; I am working this out; I just need you to get the solicitor to talk to me; let me sort out the financials and then I can get to work. I will let you and your solicitor decide what happens in the long run. I can’t tell you what to do; that’s the point. Just get the solicitor to talk to me; but hurry. I hope the doctor goes well; but I understand more than anyone knows. I know the problem;
Dianne Wright (frostdianne@hotmail.com) To: (kingsleyw@enginedevelopments.com.au); I think your shrink’s evaluation of my problems may be pretty close to the truth. I have my own solution to get back; but it is a long haul. If you don’t think it is worth it; I won’t try but you hit the nail on the head with “circle”. I cannot simply go back linearly. Yes; I feel in my view points I am right; maybe because I am so self rightous but none the less; I have my own method of getting back to a place. It might just take a while. ; I love you with all my heart and all of you; yes; even Geoff. People have an opinion of me so I am going to do my thing that brings everything back to a point where I can show the world that they can stick their judgmental bollocks where it hurts them; and not me any more. In the mean time; I will do all I can for you. Please; step on your solicitor to discuss the financials. I have a solution that stabalises things and allows me to work all this out. Alternitively; send ray down with a Bullit. At least my pain will stop then and you’ll get a pay out. One day; everyone will see me for who I really am. Between now and then; I am trying to protect you; so please; just do it my way if you can. Where is the best place to hide the truth? Let them all think I am a barstard and see who really is there for you. I may be able to respond tomorrow; if not; early next week. Please; hold on. All this; please; please;
Dianne Wright (frostdianne@hotmail.com); 8:11 AM To: (kingsleyw@enginedevelopments.com.au); if you have given them contact details and they can actually contact you. i sent you an email yesterday; let me know if you got it; read it. not that it makes any difference.
Dianne Wright From: (kingsleyw@enginedevelopments.com.au); 17:06:12 +1000 Hey OK; I have contacted your solicitor and told them I have no council so they can contact me directly. I am also trying desperately to find you some interim money. Please; contact your solicitor and get them to contact me ASAP and I will kick this thing into gear and get you the support you need. I signed some paperwork today that will take a little while to pan out but it will be here. I am going as fast as I can. As soon as your solicitor has contacted me; I will be able to discuss with him (I presume it’s a him) and outline the situation and it should then be clear I am trying to help. Remember; I will do my best. Please don’t be mad at me. No; I still don’t have my bike back yet. Just know that the money is on its way. Keep everything between us and the solicitor and for goodness sake get him to contact me. When that is done; and only then; can I share other things and take my next step. I have been offered things I won’t take until I know you are OK. Remember; I am not trying to hurt you; quite the opposite. Yes; i care more about you than anyone else ever. Trust me please, it will work out for the best and you will understand why it had to be done this way.
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26/04/16
Going through the files Dianne sent I have come across an email that has not been previously published on the website. Put in context with the above emails that were written a couple of months before his divorce application was heard and this email that was sent two weeks after the divorce was heard and granted and then add that anonymous letter below to the mix you have to wonder what the hell he was and is up to. I have asked Dianne if she remembers what he meant in that email but she can’t remember anything specific about it because as she said he was always sending her cryptic emails that just left her feeling more confused. Different people who have read the emails and know what he did have all said, “sounds like he is off his meds and living in another reality or it’s the best con job of manipulation and confusion they have ever come across” or words to that effect. Unfortunately he is the only one who knows the truth and I can’t see him telling. So it’s up to the readers to decide just what the hell he was doing. Check the dates on the emails above and the one below. The divorce was granted on 23/05/2014. Emails above dated 03/2014 email below dated 06/2014. Anonymous letter delivered 24/03/2016.
Kingsley Wright <Kingsley.Wright@careersaustralia.edu.au>
12/06/2014
to me
Yes I do owe you that. Dealing with the devil you have to be careful.
I will try to call you Monday on this. I am sorry i can’t explain it all now but when it’s done you will understand.
OK, please don’t stress. I need you to stay strong. This is all for us, please keep trusting me.
Kings
19/05/16
Diannefrost49@gmail.com
j.j.xxxxxxx@hotmail.co.uk
Hey, i had this site sent to me by Marian, after reading it i figured out that he filled not quite all 20 signs but over half at 12. They are him to a T. The more i read about Narcissists the more i understand and it makes me feel less stupid that i fell for it. Thought you might like to check it out, i have put the link at the bottom.
Dianne.
20 Traits of Malignant Narcissism
How Many Does Yours Have?
1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.
Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.
2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.
Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.
3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.
Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies
5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.
7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.
9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.
Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.
11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie.
Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.
14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark. Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.
15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment.
Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.
16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home.
Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.
17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.
18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals.
Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.
http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com.au/2009/12/20-traits-of-malignant-narcissism.html?m=1
06/07/2016
Kingsley Wright <kingsley1968@hotmail.com>
05/08/2013
to dianne.2012
hi you
OK, duckeed out for a second just to let you know I will be checking in with the solicitor about mid-day and will ok the draft. I'll call her back and get her to send the letter to you.
It took a little longer because I don't want your creditors to be able to take it all off you so it works like this,,,, I think,,,, but she knows better and will explain it better.
Basically, you can recieve the Super and put it in your own Super, safe from creditors. You can draw as little as you need to make life comfortable and there is nothing they can do about it. Then, when the time has lapsed, you can draw the lot. Alternativly, you could negotiate with creditors to pay a lesser amount and then draw on it. As you are past retirment age, you can have control to leave it safe or pay debts or leave it till they are off your back, in time you give me half and we just wait till they forget about it then we can get on with our lifes together without any cash problems..
See, told you I would make it right. Please, don't let others know . This is just between us.OK. Let them fight thier own battles, you don't owe them or anyone else a thing. This is just for us.
OK,, gotta go, hope all this works. This is only the begining but at least the first base id covered.
Look out for email later today or if she is delayed, it might be early tomorrow, it depends on how quick she gets it to me and then gets my approval. If you need info at all, give her a call.
From: dianne.2012@hotmail.com
To: kingsley1968@hotmail.com
Subject: Read this
Date: Fri, 9 Aug 2013 13:42:13 +1000
No no no, i want you to come home, we dont need the money that badly, we can work out whatever is bothering you together, please kings, stop dong this. Its wrong and i dont want money, just you.
You keep saying that you love me to trust you but i am so confused, how can you love me and hurt me like this. Some people from work have contacted me, i dont want to believe what they are saying, you told me she was just someone you worked with who was going through a hard time with some man she was in love with who was her daughters father and that you were only being considerate and listening to her dramas. Its not what i have been told, how can i trust you when you wont come home.
Kingsley Wright <kingsley1968@hotmail.com>
09/08/2013
to dianne.2012
I'll reply tonight but you have the wrong end of the stick. I'll share later what I know and you advise me. Let me sort some free time later. Sorry but I will have to tell you directly what I know. I suppose it's easy for me to see what you can't so I'll share tonight or certainly over the weekend. Please don't be angry dont hate me. I'll see if I can make it clearer. You have nothing to get upset about with her.
Kingsley Wright <kingsley1968@hotmail.com>
09/08/2013
To dianne.2012
I just got home not that its home just a lonly place, i hate coming back here every day i really miss you the kids and even Jaime. I miss my kiss on the tip of my nose every morning when i go to work the most…….
I have to be careful emailing you from work, to many nosy people around so will finish the previos mail ……
Its the only way we can get my pension fund if we are legally separated, its not a divorce, i wont do that and its not for long a couple of years at most till it all blows over. You keep half to live on and make sure your safe and the other half will get me through the engine work. I come over nearly every weekend dont i. …….
I feel like dirt putting you through this ….. I hate who i am…...i hate doing this but its the only way ………
I love you my angel dont forget that……….
Its just office gossip because i have coffee or lunch with her……. I feel sorry for her and it takes my mind off what i am doing to you, other peoples problems and all that…….. I told you there is nothing going on…….
Just please sign the paperwork from the solicitor so i know you will be safe till i come back….
I promise i will…. trust me.....believe me. I have no reason to go on if you dont.
08/09/2016
The Narcissist and Money
Written by Alexander Burgemeester on June 9, 2013 ·
Narcissists characterized by their extreme selfishness, lack of empathy, and craving for admiration which they get through status and power. With grandiose thinking and arrogance, they demand that others treat them as special or superior.
There are degrees of narcissism, ranging from excessive self-importance to full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). We all enjoy praise and admiration on occasion, but narcissists don’t enjoy occasional admiration- they crave admiration all the time (as can be had through status, power and money) almost like an addiction. To obtain the status that they seek, they will exaggerate or misrepresent their talents and accomplishments. They may even lie and cheat in order to get promotions, win races, or seduce people.
Narcissists are preoccupied with self-aggrandizement to sharpen public opinion of their image. They fantasize about, and seek out, power, fame, status and money; they are envious of others who have plenty of these resources.
Money as Love
According To Sam Vaknin, author and expert on NPD, money is another word for love in the narcissist’s emotional vocabulary. Having been deprived of love early on in the narcissist’s childhood, he constantly seeks love substitutes. To him, money is the ultimate love substitute. Dr. Vaknin states that all the qualities of the narcissist are manifested in his relationship with money, and in his attitude towards it. For example, due to his sense of entitlement he feels that he is entitled to other people’s money.
Secondly, his grandiose thinking leads him to believe that he should have, or does have, more money than he actually possesses. This leads to reckless spending, to pathological gambling, to substance abuse, or to compulsive shopping.
Third, narcissists engage in magical thinking which leads to irresponsible, shortsighted behavior for which they believe they are immune from the results of that behavior. They descend into debt, commit financial crimes, and hassle people- including their closest relatives.
Furthermore, their fantasies lead them to believe in their fabricated financial “facts” which are not commensurate with their talents, qualifications, jobs, and resources. They pretend to be richer than they are or pretend to be capable of becoming rich if they so desire. They are greedy but have an ambivalent, love-hate relationship with money. They can be mean, stingy, and calculating with their own money yet an eager spendthrift with other people’s money. They live lavishly and often well above their means. It is not uncommon for narcissists to go bankrupt and ruin their businesses.
Lastly, reality is distorted and does not match their grandiose fantasies. Nowhere is the grandiosity gap more evident than where money is involved.
We all have desires that we may obsess about: expensive clothes, sex, gourmet food, or exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money. They think about how much money they have, how to get more of it, how to keep it away from others, and whom to manipulate to get more- including how to take family members money/inheritance. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, and affection. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s unwavering goal. Thoughts about obtaining more money are always on the narcissist’s mind. Having an abundance of money makes them feel more entitled and superior to others.
Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on the working class. They don’t seek knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight. They seek to achieve their greatest goal-being able to have whatever they desire as well as attracting other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money cravings. A too common situation is for a narcissistic sibling, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth- to become their confidante, their favored and trusted one. This is done over many years and is a well planned scheme.
This sibling invariably becomes the executor of the parent’s sizable will and convinces the mother or father to bestow upon them the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minute portion of the total). He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent’s death so that he can inherit the entire estate and lead a life of pleasure and comfort. The greedy, narcissistic sibling may even abandon his own children and spouse to move on to a life of luxury. He or she will not look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind; they don’t worry about others. After they have their inheritance, they still feel the lust for money; some pursue other unethical, and often illegal, ventures to scam others.
For example, they may form romantic relationships that will allow them to gain psychological and monetary control of another victim. The desire to have more money never diminishes. The narcissist will not stop victimizing others i.e. disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, and causing them unbearable distress and worry.
Summary
Narcissists use money to help them feel special and superior to others. Status items such as designer clothes, luxury cars, upscale homes, dinners and trips are essential ways through which a narcissist can enhance his ego. Spending money when you have it, is one thing; spending money when you don’t have it, is quite another. A narcissist believes that he is entitled to the best, even if he does not have the money to afford it. He easily fools himself into believing that the money will be there in the future, even if it’s not there right now.
Narcissists can fool others by making a show of generosity by being big tippers or picking up the bill. Look closely however, and you’ll notice that narcissists show such generosity for the sole purpose of establishing their reputations as VIP’s.
Narcissists do not have normal relationships with money. They may ask you for money even though they are the major breadwinner or they have the higher paying job. They may never take their partner or spouse someplace nice for dinner. Being frugal is fine, but being pathological about money is not. Someone that has a good job that never spends their own money may possibly be a narcissist. The opposite pathology surrounding a narcissist and his money is that of the showoff. This person spends money enthusiastically but unrealistically and unwisely; for example, the man with huge roles of bills in his pocket who always buys drinks for the bar, yet can’t save enough to pay his mortgage each month..
Narcissists make themselves feel bigger by convincing themselves that others are smaller by comparison. Narcissists with money look down on the working class. Narcissists in the working class look down on those with less money even if the other has a more elite job. Whatever narcissists have (or think they have) is what they use to look down on other people with. Narcissists lust for money and are never satisfied with the status quo; it is like an addiction and they will always need more.
References:
http://www.zimbio.com/Narcissistic+personality+disorder/articles/u_w0aEl/Narcissist+s+money+Lust
http://www.lightshouse.org/things-narcissists-do.html#ixzz2Uhd4Qhzj
http:// samvak.tripod.com/archive15.html
09/11/16
Email from Marian
What are some of the red flags and warning signs a person you know is a Covert Narcissist? Here’s a tip — they truly are not playing poker games with a full deck of cards. It’s more like they are filthy rats or mice who keep stealing and moving other people’s cheese.
Someone sitting at the dinner table having a conversation about a toxic friend or family member back in the 1950s might have called someone who had mild #NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) a “passive-aggressive person”. Those same people would have paid attention to American news and would have agreed readily that 2016 Presidential Election hopeful Donald Trump was a Megalomaniac.
In academic circles, most mental health professionals living and working in the 21st century might say that he shows signs of having an extremely narcissistic personality. While suspecting key elements of radical Malignant Narcissism is likely to be lurking just behind the surface of every nasty insult he hurls, most thoughtful people understand by nature without needing to have it explained to them that his hate speech reflects toxic thinking and poor manners.
Role modeling hate-speech promoting behaviors globally to children and poorly educated adults is likely to spike a rise in terror, hate crimes, and every other character downfall the American populace in general elects to publicly and privately display.
It’s a sign that the person starting the trend is Malignant — but that the people who jump on the bandwagon to actively and willingly engage in acts like mobbing and self-promotion at other people’s expense equates to Trump driving a bus of Covert narcy constituents to a cross burning prayer vigil for white supremacy before heading off guilt free to self-aggrandize while telling glorious war stories about the event at church on Sunday after singing hymns.
The telltale signs to help you recognize a “Covert Narcissist” in your midst start from within. If you feel something is not quite right about a person or notice them using manipulative keywords and phrases, trust your gut.
Info Self Development lists traits of Covert Narcissists as follows:
* Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you can’t quite put your finger on
* Stubborn, rarely apologizing unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)
* Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault [look for invalidating, minimizing, blame shifting, and divisive attempts at triangulation]
* Entirely self-centered; they are the center of their own universe [the world revolves around their needs with little to no respect for others]
* Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation [pathologically lie without remorse because they are manipulating or simply manufacturing chaos for other people because they are bored]
* Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you [Just as Empaths will do a reverse projection of good qualities onto bad people while trying to say something nice about people, Covert Narcissists have something nasty or negative to say about every person they meet and in each and every social setting, practical event, or situation]
* Very sensitive to constructive criticism [refuses to strive to improve behavior or situations; agrees to compromise then undermines]
* Inability to form intimate relationships [refuses to share truth, avoids discussing personal or family history (except in simplistic terms or by making glowing historical revisionist statements)
* Inability to feel genuine remorse [guilt free by nature, they tend to spend little to no time ever introspecting or methodically analyzing anything]
* Blaming others for their problems [compulsive blame shifting, victim blaming, and denying responsibility]
* Low emotional intelligence [low to no EQ, capping off somewhere by or before the age of 12 with the average EQ age being no older than 6]
* Highly materialistic [with material needs varying from person to person and based on what the Covert Narcissist esteems based on their own upbringing and relative culture]
* Extreme lack of empathy [shows empathy simulation only to manipulate a target into continuing to share more in-depth details about their pain so they can take pleasure in misleading them and abusing them during any crisis situation, “gets off on” watching people in pain emotionally or physically; loves manufacturing chaos, gossip and smear campaigning]
* Superficially charming [deliberately pretends to be whatever character by nature that a targeted victim is likely to respect, take an interest in, or is likely to admire in an effort to con, control, and manipulate them]
* A victim mentality [falsified to undermine true victims and steal away time and sympathy kind people may have paid to the victimized rather than them]
Understand this list is in no way comprehensive. It does, however, provide a handy dandy list of poker tells that the person who you suspect is not what they pretend.
Your grandmother probably called them “passive-aggressive people” while complaining about sneaky, dishonest, or manipulative things they do by habit. They are simply unpleasant people with a sinister undertone of greed and malevolence.
They are actually the most common form of Flying Monkeys — and the weakest form of Narcissists. As people who love to stir the pot, their sexy little thrill is manufacturing harm and causing dismay emotionally for other people then to absolutely deny personal responsibility while smear campaigning the victim.
They are best known for sabotaging scapegoat self-esteem, serenity, and confidence. If they are successful in hurting someone or really causing active harm, their favorite act is to start apologizing all over themselves while consciously lying, gaslighting, and pretending to be unaware they did or said anything with the specific or thoughtless intent to behave in any way that is malevolent.
Just remember when and if you meet one that they are highly competitive and likely to be fully engaged in a variety of social war agendas only their scapegoats and targets realize.
,,,,,,,,, ( They are, at best, a Flying Monkey not playing their own game with a full deck of cards — but it’s important to note that Covert Narcissists almost always will defer to a stronger Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath,Histrionic Personality, or person with a Borderline Personality Disorder out of pure respect for a more aggressive predator when and if one of them decides to grace their presence by hanging around.,,,,,,,,,)
At worst, they are such experts at hiding their own efforts to situationally abuse and keep their illicit proclivities to situationally abuse camouflaged that they exist among friends, family. and peer groups. If they are clever, chances are even their sadistic streak can go for years undetected by those closest to them physically and emotionally in their lives.
Truly, the most toxic outcome is when a person with a Covert Narcissistic streak never actually gets found out.